And I'm sorry. If I hurt you. [Natsume has held Dirk at arm's length, and he knows it. But that doesn't mean he feels good about it. With Junpei clearing the air, perhaps he feels...inspired?]
(Natsume isn't wrong. He had been guarded back then. Even with Kaneki...But...He had taken his glasses off for him. Since when had everyone come to understand him better than he thought they did? When had his walls grown so thin?)
I didn't think you were paying attention to me like that.
If that's the case then you don't need to apologize to me for anything, kitten. I'm sorry I was irresponsible as fuck with you guys.
I didn't mean to make any of you feel less than special. Especially not you. You're (He hovers.)
[He stops, fingers hovering over the keyboard, not wanting to say too much. He'd wanted to clear the air, to make amends, not to dredge up old hurts. But maybe it's impossible to do one without the other.]
It wasn't because you were convenient, okay? It's because you were kind and beautiful and
I wished for a long time I could've been that person. Maybe that's why I distanced myself. I don't regret it, and I'm so happy now, and I know you are too but
I should've said all this earlier, Dirk. That's what I'm sorry for.
(Some part of him wish he had that link with Natsume so he could pry the mind and see what was inside.)
You might be biased on that kind front, babe. I'm not exactly what most would laud as a sweetheart.
I am glad you are happy. But I am sorry I ever hurt you.
It's a weird situation. It's easy to act like everything I did in that situation regarding the lightning was on the basis of being lonely and thirsty for any attention from any dude. It's easy to say I would have slept with any dude.
But truthfully, I do not think that is the case at all. I only slept with guys I
Well, I'm not gonna lie and sit here and act like I had a crush on all of you. It's more just that I could have seen that happening with all of you in one timeline or another. Like, if there was a timeline where I did show you my eyes. If I had let you in. It's not an impossible idea. I wouldn't change what did happen either.
It's just complicated. Part of me hates everything that happened cause I'm just playing into my own dumb title.
You are kind and beautiful too, for the record. I'm happy I was the one to wake you up. I think
I missed you when you were gone. I thought I just kind of botched whatever friendship was there even when it was clear we were into other people. Fuck, I dunno.
I think that makes a sort of sense. Another lifetime. Another version of us all.
But in this one, I know I wouldn't have been brave enough to open myself up to Junpei or Choso if it weren't for you. If it hadn't been you.
I think for better or worse you're a part of me, and I think that scared me for a while. I had to let it settle in my mind, maybe? And then I met Kaneki and almost ruined that, and
[Natsume has to pause, realizing Dirk might not know. So:]
I know. About him. I saw, a few months ago. I think he was scared for a long time that I'd say something, tell someone, but I didn't. Nobody.
And I won't. I don't know how much weight my word has, but I will never, ever put him in danger that way. I promise.
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text, after the network post
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Yeah, sure, dude.
I never hated him or anything, you know.
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And I'm sorry. If I hurt you. [Natsume has held Dirk at arm's length, and he knows it. But that doesn't mean he feels good about it. With Junpei clearing the air, perhaps he feels...inspired?]
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(This is just gonna be one of those emotional weeks, isn't it.)
I mean. Did I hurt you?
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I think he didn't quite know how he felt, or how it fit in with things. It took time.
You woke me up. I couldn't do the same for you and I guess that hurt a little. But I'm happy it was you.
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What do you mean exactly by that?
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You were still kind to me. But I knew. I'm not angry about it, Dirk.
It wasn't the right person.
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I didn't think you were paying attention to me like that.
If that's the case then you don't need to apologize to me for anything, kitten. I'm sorry I was irresponsible as fuck with you guys.
I didn't mean to make any of you feel less than special. Especially not you. You're (He hovers.)
You're good, Natsume.
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[He stops, fingers hovering over the keyboard, not wanting to say too much. He'd wanted to clear the air, to make amends, not to dredge up old hurts. But maybe it's impossible to do one without the other.]
It wasn't because you were convenient, okay? It's because you were kind and beautiful and
I wished for a long time I could've been that person. Maybe that's why I distanced myself. I don't regret it, and I'm so happy now, and I know you are too but
I should've said all this earlier, Dirk. That's what I'm sorry for.
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You might be biased on that kind front, babe. I'm not exactly what most would laud as a sweetheart.
I am glad you are happy. But I am sorry I ever hurt you.
It's a weird situation. It's easy to act like everything I did in that situation regarding the lightning was on the basis of being lonely and thirsty for any attention from any dude. It's easy to say I would have slept with any dude.
But truthfully, I do not think that is the case at all. I only slept with guys I
Well, I'm not gonna lie and sit here and act like I had a crush on all of you. It's more just that I could have seen that happening with all of you in one timeline or another. Like, if there was a timeline where I did show you my eyes. If I had let you in. It's not an impossible idea. I wouldn't change what did happen either.
It's just complicated. Part of me hates everything that happened cause I'm just playing into my own dumb title.
You are kind and beautiful too, for the record. I'm happy I was the one to wake you up. I think
I missed you when you were gone. I thought I just kind of botched whatever friendship was there even when it was clear we were into other people. Fuck, I dunno.
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But in this one, I know I wouldn't have been brave enough to open myself up to Junpei or Choso if it weren't for you. If it hadn't been you.
I think for better or worse you're a part of me, and I think that scared me for a while. I had to let it settle in my mind, maybe? And then I met Kaneki and almost ruined that, and
[Natsume has to pause, realizing Dirk might not know. So:]
I know. About him. I saw, a few months ago. I think he was scared for a long time that I'd say something, tell someone, but I didn't. Nobody.
And I won't. I don't know how much weight my word has, but I will never, ever put him in danger that way. I promise.