[ kaneki smiles all through this, relief coming over him when Dirk is there, in his arms. he hugs him, brings him closer, and keeps him like that, against his chest, while his fingers stroke the blond strands of hair and he places several kisses on top of Dirk's head ]
I am scared too. [ logic doesn't always work. And sometimes, it's better to admit to it ] Scared to leave you alone, scared you will leave me. I want to spend my waking moments with you, my sleeping moments too, and my eternity.
I wish I could say the right words so your heavy heart would be lighter. But my heart is heavy too. [ a pause as Kaneki nuzzles Dirk ] All we can do is sink together with the weight.
I would never leave you. (Mumbled against Ken's chest. He squeezes him tightly, pinching his eyes shut because he was embarrassed to admit that this might actually make him cry.)
I can't fuckin'...stand the thought of it.
(There was a ball of iron in his throat and he didn't know how to swallow down around it.)
I don't want immortality if it isn't shared with you. I can't do it all again without you.
I don't know how to become immortal. Maybe I already am. [ he died several times now and he is still here. He may be dead back in his world, too., and he is still here. ]
But I don't want... to live thinking about it. Thinking about a time that may happen and I may no longer be with you. Because right now, I am the happiest I have been.
Maybe. (Or maybe it was just one of the perks to being in this place.)
...I am too. (Which is why it scared him. He can't pull away from Ken just yet, trying instead to think of what he wanted to say.)
I don't want to live thinking about it either. It's just hard right now not to think about it. I know you're right. And I'll be fuckin' fine. I'm just having a stupid existential crisis about it.
[ kaneki kisses Dirk's head again, and while two hands are great for hugging - kaneki's two centipede antennae pop out of his head and they too reach for Dirk, to touch and leave small little kisses against his cheek ]
Well. Then I will hug you and hold you until you feel better. I will recite poems until your heart feels calmer.
(He loved those little antennae. He always had, but especially now. He smiles despite the hurt in his chest and finally, he forces himself to pull up from Kaneki's chest. He brings their mouths together in a solid kiss.)
I dunno how you do it. (It's not a judgment. He rocks over so that he could rest his head against Kaneki's shoulder, his eyes sliding shut.)
Stay calm. I think maybe I just keep thinkin' back to what everything was like before.
[ by now, kaneki's eyes had also morphed and the fangs are hidden away inside his mouth - but still there, nonetheless. But that's as far as he will go with the transformation.
he smiles into the kiss and caresses his boyfriend's cheeks with his hand, before he leans back further onto the bean bag while he brings his boyfriend along ]
I don't think I'm calm. I'm scared. I always am.
but being next to you, is all I ever will want. And that helps.
(Dirk reaches his hand up, sliding his palm over the side of Kaneki's face, thumb tracing what he could feel of Kaneki's fangs through his cheeks. His own devil's tail was curling around Kaneki's leg, squeezing.)
Your fear is groundable. (It's something he admires about Kaneki. He shifts a bit so he could lean onto his elbow, gazing down at Kaneki with his eyes exposed, bright and vulnerable in a way he never bothered to be like with anyone else.)
I am always gonna enjoy what we have now while we have it. (And it's true. He was a hedonist and Kaneki was the best thing that had ever happened to him.)
But...Sometimes...It'll catch up to me. At least til we know more. If there is ever more to know.
[ kaneki parts his lips to allow his small pedipalps to come out of his mouth. kaneki moves too, so he can be close to Dirk, watching him while they speak. ]
It's alright if it does. I will do my best to ground you as well. If I can. [ he leans towards Dirk, placing a soft kiss on his lips, and finally his fangs come out of his mouth. The press against Dirk's chin and leave small little pinches along his jaw ]
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no subject
I am scared too. [ logic doesn't always work. And sometimes, it's better to admit to it ] Scared to leave you alone, scared you will leave me. I want to spend my waking moments with you, my sleeping moments too, and my eternity.
I wish I could say the right words so your heavy heart would be lighter. But my heart is heavy too. [ a pause as Kaneki nuzzles Dirk ] All we can do is sink together with the weight.
no subject
I can't fuckin'...stand the thought of it.
(There was a ball of iron in his throat and he didn't know how to swallow down around it.)
I don't want immortality if it isn't shared with you. I can't do it all again without you.
no subject
But I don't want... to live thinking about it. Thinking about a time that may happen and I may no longer be with you. Because right now, I am the happiest I have been.
And that's all i want to think about.
no subject
...I am too. (Which is why it scared him. He can't pull away from Ken just yet, trying instead to think of what he wanted to say.)
I don't want to live thinking about it either. It's just hard right now not to think about it. I know you're right. And I'll be fuckin' fine. I'm just having a stupid existential crisis about it.
no subject
Well. Then I will hug you and hold you until you feel better. I will recite poems until your heart feels calmer.
no subject
I dunno how you do it. (It's not a judgment. He rocks over so that he could rest his head against Kaneki's shoulder, his eyes sliding shut.)
Stay calm. I think maybe I just keep thinkin' back to what everything was like before.
no subject
he smiles into the kiss and caresses his boyfriend's cheeks with his hand, before he leans back further onto the bean bag while he brings his boyfriend along ]
I don't think I'm calm. I'm scared. I always am.
but being next to you, is all I ever will want. And that helps.
no subject
Your fear is groundable. (It's something he admires about Kaneki. He shifts a bit so he could lean onto his elbow, gazing down at Kaneki with his eyes exposed, bright and vulnerable in a way he never bothered to be like with anyone else.)
I am always gonna enjoy what we have now while we have it. (And it's true. He was a hedonist and Kaneki was the best thing that had ever happened to him.)
But...Sometimes...It'll catch up to me. At least til we know more. If there is ever more to know.
no subject
It's alright if it does. I will do my best to ground you as well. If I can. [ he leans towards Dirk, placing a soft kiss on his lips, and finally his fangs come out of his mouth. The press against Dirk's chin and leave small little pinches along his jaw ]