[ he loveshis laugher. It's always short, sometimes too short, but always so sincere, always so soft, always so good. Kaneki wishes he could listen to Dirk laugh every day.
That, in itself, almost feels like healing. ]
I never really talked about anything before. I was always too afraid of saying the wrong things, or that I'd be rejected for my feelings. I didn't want to lose others, afraid I wasn't what they wanted of me. [ and in all honesty, he is still like that. Towards Kyle, towards John, towards Sunny. kaneki is always very careful with what he says and shows because he is so deeply afraid that if it's the wrong thing, they will leave him.
but with Dirk, it's always so different. The way he accepts all of Kaneki's flaws, doubts, and fears, and he wraps himself around them and tells Kaneki it's alright, even without words. It's so easy to open up to Dirk, and kaneki is so glad about it. Kaneki meant what he said when he wants Dirk to open up to him more and more, to talk about everything that crosses his mind because it always brings something so good for the both of them.
It's perfect.
Even when there is that hint of arousal through their link. Kaneki is familiar with it, so so familiar. Their sex life was stopped right now, while Kaneki regained some sort of identity again. Kaneki still felt disgusting and the thought of being touched by Dirk scared him. Not because of Dirk, he'd never be scared of him and his touches - but because Kaneki is afraid of dirtying Dirk. The thought of seeing Dirk touching something as disgusting as Kaneki also often floods his mind, and Kaneki is petrified by it.
But despite that, they still do touch here and there. They kiss, they hug, and they bring their bodies together. kaneki feels Dirk's arousal almost every day and he is not disgusted by it or upset; in a way, it helps him feel less dirty too because Dirk still wants him despite the disgusting thing Kaneki became. So he doesn't move again, still keeping his face against his boyfriend's stomach, still keeping his arms wrapped around his waist.
They squeeze a bit harder in fact, when Dirk calls him perfect ]
... You never ask me to do it. [ he knows Dirk wants to have sex, he feels it all the time. But Dirk never asked, neither tried to talk Kaneki into it. ]
Yeah, I understand what you mean. (Dirk had always felt like he was too much to deal with and as if no one would ever really understand what he meant. Even among his own friends, he had felt like something of a pariah. But it was okay to open up to Kaneki, even if Kaneki was the only person he opened up to. He had gotten better in other ways, sure, mostly thanks to Kaneki, but there were still so many things he really only ever wanted to share with his boyfriend and his boyfriend alone.
Which he knew was risky to put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak, but he was fairly certain that was the entire point of having a familiar. He was also pretty sure most people did want to be able to trust their partner like this, be able to depend on them like this. Were they so codependent? Maybe...
It was hard to care when it helped them both feel saner and more loved than they had anywhere else in their lives.
Dirk knew what Kaneki was afraid of. He thought it ridiculous, but he never wanted his boyfriend to be made to feel guilty for those feelings. If anyone was dirtying anyone, it was Dirk to Kaneki, but Dirk didn't believe in the concept of being able to dirty anyone through sex. He had never been conditioned by society to believe that purity and sex went hand-in-hand.
But he had also never wanted to push Kaneki past his breaking point either. He wasn't the best with mental health, admittedly, and he hadn't wanted to fuck it up. So if Kaneki didn't want sex, if he wasn't ready for it, then Dirk wasn't going to push it. He had wanted to prove to Kaneki that he didn't need sex to be happy in their relationship. That he could wait forever if Kaneki needed it and it wouldn't change how much he loved Kaneki or wanted him.
He stares down at his boyfriend, gaze softening, and he gives a small shrug.)
I don't want to make you feel guilty. (It's a simple enough thing.) I don't want to be that asshole boyfriend who begs and whines for sex while you're going through something. Like, yeah. I uh-
(He clears his throat.)
I'm blueballing hard on a daily basis, but I can deal with it. (He absolutely did want it all the time. Every day, just about, and they used to do it all the time too, so he was pretty conditioned for that. Still would catch sight of Kaneki bending over or the slope of his neck and Dirk would be filled with burning want.)
I want you to want it too. Or at least to feel okay about wanting it.
It's not that I don't want it... [ It's very hard to explain, but sex itself is not the problem. And certainly not Dirk, he would never be the problem.
Kaneki feels arousal. He does get hard. He is not repulsed by any of that. He too is very much conditioned to want it, and even after six months in his world, kaneki would not forget how it felt and how much he loved it. How it made him feel Incredible and how it was so good that he turned silly.
And with Dirk masturbating every day (sometimes several times a day), kaneki remembers it and his body responds accordingly. He feels that burning desire, that want, and he feels the pleasure and how aroused he gets.
But kaneki himself is the problem. It's so hard for him to accept himself as part of this pleasure. He still has not forgiven himself enough and he still has not accepted his own existence enough. He doesn't believe he deserves any of that pleasure again, and no matter how much he tries to rationalize it and think of Dirk's words and everything he has said to reassure the ghoul, he still freezes everytime he touches himself to try to ease that arousal.
He doesn't want to do that in the middle of sex.
But he still wants it.
In fact, he makes sure to push those feelings through the link so Dirk can feel them too, so he can understand that even if Kaneki is so broken he still feels it and wants it.
Kaneki's head is the problem here. ]
I still want you. I still .. feel for you the same way. You are so gorgeous, Dirk. [ so arousing.
Kaneki glances back up at his boyfriend, his head now pretty much pressing against Dirk's groin. It's hard to express what he wants but as he looks up and his cheeks turn red, kaneki whispers very softly ]
I can... Use my mouth. [ they have kissed so much. Sometimes for hours. It is incredibly pleasurable for kaneki and he can do it, his brain doesn't freak out over that, right?
So he can use his mouth. That should be fine, right? ]
(Dirk trails off, caught up in Kaneki's own emotions pertaining to sex. He understands that Kaneki didn't feel he deserved the pleasure, and Dirk reached back through their link. It's not about deserve. I want to give you pleasure. Because I love you and it brings me pleasure to pleasure you. It isn't said so much in words as much as it said in feeling.)
I know you do. (And he did. He could feel that arousal and often allowed it to wash over him as he got himself off. He never closed the link when he was getting off. He wanted Ken to always know how badly he was still desired even if they weren't fucking.
He takes in a slow breath, hyperaware now of where Ken was, that pressure growing until he was undoubtedly half-hard against the front of his jeans. It never took long when it came to Ken.
The idea of Ken going down on him nearly makes him groan. The obvious arousal increase pours through their link and there's an immediate sense of yesyesyes! But on the surface, he clears his throat yet again.)
--I mean. Yeah. Yeah, if you want to. That would be...cool.
(Dirk, you should not sound like such a virgin this far along in the game, dude. But in his defense, Kaneki gave the best head and Dirk would die happy to have that gorgeous mouth back on his cock again. It's a pronounced image in his head, the way Ken would look going down on him, something Dirk has etched into his memory.)
[ kaneki closes his eyes for a moment just to gather himself a little. All of those feelings, his own and Dirk, it reminds him why their link was such a good thing between the two of them.
Slowly, one of his hands moves to the front of Dirk's pants to open them for Kaneki. He already knows Dirk's body is reacting, it's no surprise.
And yet again it just makes Kaneki react too. The way he feels, the way he smells, the way he wil taste.
Once kaneki has enough room, he actually presses his lips against Dirk, although he is still covered by the underwear. He already knows how amazing it will be, how wonderful Dirk tastes, but it has been so long ]
I have missed it... [ he admits under all that embarrassment, looking up at Dirk. ]
Show me. [ is he asking Dirk to strip for Kaneki while he watches? Well, yes. He misses that too ]
(It was going to be hard to not touch Kaneki back. He had been desperate for his boyfriend ever since he came back from his brief time away. He sucks in a slow breath when Kaneki makes contact with him, and while it might not be skin-to-skin just yet, it had been long enough that even the slightest pressure was mindboggling.)
Me too.
(He wants to ask if Kaneki is sure, but he knows he is. Not just because of their link either. He knew his boyfriend well enough by now to know how much he enjoyed sucking Dirk off.
His eyes flutter shut for a second and he has to take in another deep breath. Then he smirks.)
What, so you want me naked while you get to have fun with my body?
(He.......was really into the idea of that actually!)
[ Dirk's responses get to his brain. It's intense; he never forgot how intense their sex was but memory is very different from having it happen.
Kaneki's body feels like it's on fire and for a moment there his instinct tells him to tear off Dirk's clothes but he holds back. Instead kaneki sits up and both his hands busy themselves with making sure Dirk's pants were open all the way so he can see his boyfriend's erection.
He wants it. In his mouth.
Kaneki doesn't even ask any longer how he came to love having Dirk's cock in his mouth like this, he just does. ]
It has been a while since I did it. And i want to see how much you like it.
(Dirk watches Ken open up his pants with a growing smirk. That smirk grows sharper at the sight of that smile. He leans back and slips his shirt up and over his head in a matter of seconds. It gets tossed aside and although it had only been a little while, Dirk seemed almost a little more buff than the last time Ken had seen him.
He leans back onto his hand, tipping his head to the side. He guides his hand down to slip his erection out of his boxer briefs. He grips himself firmly by the base, half to keep him from losing it right then and there.)
You can do whatever you want to me.
(He pushes his shoes off and moves his hand so that he could push his pants and underwear down and push them off to the side. It's far from the first time they have slept together outside, and it wouldn't be the last. He's comfortable with it and it was such a long time that he would have been happy to do it anywhere.)
[ kaneki watches the whole thing as if it's art. The way Dirk strips for him, the way he moves and reveals more and more of his body to ken... It's so inviting.
And of course when he exposes the chest area, kaneki doesn't even wait and reaches for him. Even if they don't have sex, kaneki is still stupidly attracted to that part of Dirk's body and he nuzzles and presses his face against it very often. And now? Now he was going to just enjoy it.
He leans forward and immediately presses his mouth against one of Dirk's nipples, tongue tasting him right away while his hand lands on the other pec to grope it with a delight characteristic to Ken.
The other hand moves lower, gently wrapping fingers around Dirk's erection and giving it a light squeeze. ]
You taste so good... I missed your skin so much... [ kaneki kisses Dirk all the time but this is very different. ]
(It was always cute to see Kaneki rush to his chest whether for comfort or sensuality. He makes an immediate noise when Kaneki slips his mouth around a nipple. It had been way, way too long since they had last touched like this and it felt electric and new. A flush begins to spread across Dirk's face and he's gone fully hard by now.
Then Ken is grabbing him and he lets out a breathy moan, pinching his eyes shut.)
Fuck- (He meant to say something more eloquent than that, but Ken's got him pegged in three places right now and Dirk's starting to feel a bit like a virgin.)
Me too. (His voice is a bit wobbly like it tended to get whenever he got into his more submissive moods. It wasn't too surprising seeing as he wanted Kaneki to have the control for how far they went and how fast they took it.)
Mmm- you- sure you don't want me touching you back?
[ kaneki could stay like this for hours and he would be so happy with it. To suck on Dirk's chest like that while his tongue plays around with the nipple and his hand continues to explore Dirk's body as if it were the first time.
Eventually he looks up and releases his boyfriend only to lean closer and press his lips on his ]
Kiss me a lot, Dirk.
[ for now, he is fine with not being touched. He really doesn't want to suddenly freeze halfway and start to think about the awful things kaneki thinks about himself. Right now, he just wants to feel Dirk, kiss him and touch him and suck on him.
Tha hand that remains on the cock starts moving faster now, up and down, squeezing the head whenever it reaches for it. And than, slowly, kaneki's lips part, his tongue licks the lower lip slowly and kaneki remembers the heat of Dirk's dick against it ]
(Dirk doesn't need to be told twice. He also holds nothing back from their link. He hasn't been shy about how much he has been aching for Ken, but he really lets it all loose when he kisses Ken.
He slides his tongue against Ken's until the taste of their mouths blur together and he's left feeling more raw and desperate than he has felt in months - even when they had been still fucking. Whenever he was finally allowed to touch Ken again, he would absolutely lose his mind.
For now, he was fine with this. It felt like a long, drawn-out edging session and he was going to treat it as such. He was going to get off several times through this, and he figures Ken knows, and if he didn't? Well he sure does now.)
Then-
(Words fail him. It really has been too long and his mind has been reduced to pleas and just the idea of Ken in general. He quite literally has been kissed stupid.)
Kaneki could spend hours just tasting Dirk's mouth like this, allowing their tongues to rub and press together while kaneki grows intoxicated by the taste, while they taste each other's saliva, until their lips turn raw.
But kaneki is well aware of Dirk's desire and how much he wants more. He is aware his boyfriend wants him and while Kaneki doesn't realize why, he still feels it all through their link.
The kiss breaks and kaneki lowers his head towards Dirk's chest just one last time to nuzzle it (he loves it) and eventually kaneki lays between Dirk's legs with his head dangerously close to his dick that he had been stroking for a while.
But instead of actually reaching for it with his lips, kaneki sucks on his index finger to make sure it's properly coated with saliva, and afterwards he presses it between Dirk's buttocks. ]
... I haven't done this in a while. You will have to tell me where to aim. [ kaneki doesn't really need to be told, no.but he wants to hear Dirk's voice. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That, in itself, almost feels like healing. ]
I never really talked about anything before. I was always too afraid of saying the wrong things, or that I'd be rejected for my feelings. I didn't want to lose others, afraid I wasn't what they wanted of me. [ and in all honesty, he is still like that. Towards Kyle, towards John, towards Sunny. kaneki is always very careful with what he says and shows because he is so deeply afraid that if it's the wrong thing, they will leave him.
but with Dirk, it's always so different. The way he accepts all of Kaneki's flaws, doubts, and fears, and he wraps himself around them and tells Kaneki it's alright, even without words. It's so easy to open up to Dirk, and kaneki is so glad about it. Kaneki meant what he said when he wants Dirk to open up to him more and more, to talk about everything that crosses his mind because it always brings something so good for the both of them.
It's perfect.
Even when there is that hint of arousal through their link. Kaneki is familiar with it, so so familiar. Their sex life was stopped right now, while Kaneki regained some sort of identity again. Kaneki still felt disgusting and the thought of being touched by Dirk scared him. Not because of Dirk, he'd never be scared of him and his touches - but because Kaneki is afraid of dirtying Dirk. The thought of seeing Dirk touching something as disgusting as Kaneki also often floods his mind, and Kaneki is petrified by it.
But despite that, they still do touch here and there. They kiss, they hug, and they bring their bodies together. kaneki feels Dirk's arousal almost every day and he is not disgusted by it or upset; in a way, it helps him feel less dirty too because Dirk still wants him despite the disgusting thing Kaneki became. So he doesn't move again, still keeping his face against his boyfriend's stomach, still keeping his arms wrapped around his waist.
They squeeze a bit harder in fact, when Dirk calls him perfect ]
... You never ask me to do it. [ he knows Dirk wants to have sex, he feels it all the time. But Dirk never asked, neither tried to talk Kaneki into it. ]
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Which he knew was risky to put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak, but he was fairly certain that was the entire point of having a familiar. He was also pretty sure most people did want to be able to trust their partner like this, be able to depend on them like this. Were they so codependent? Maybe...
It was hard to care when it helped them both feel saner and more loved than they had anywhere else in their lives.
Dirk knew what Kaneki was afraid of. He thought it ridiculous, but he never wanted his boyfriend to be made to feel guilty for those feelings. If anyone was dirtying anyone, it was Dirk to Kaneki, but Dirk didn't believe in the concept of being able to dirty anyone through sex. He had never been conditioned by society to believe that purity and sex went hand-in-hand.
But he had also never wanted to push Kaneki past his breaking point either. He wasn't the best with mental health, admittedly, and he hadn't wanted to fuck it up. So if Kaneki didn't want sex, if he wasn't ready for it, then Dirk wasn't going to push it. He had wanted to prove to Kaneki that he didn't need sex to be happy in their relationship. That he could wait forever if Kaneki needed it and it wouldn't change how much he loved Kaneki or wanted him.
He stares down at his boyfriend, gaze softening, and he gives a small shrug.)
I don't want to make you feel guilty. (It's a simple enough thing.) I don't want to be that asshole boyfriend who begs and whines for sex while you're going through something. Like, yeah. I uh-
(He clears his throat.)
I'm blueballing hard on a daily basis, but I can deal with it. (He absolutely did want it all the time. Every day, just about, and they used to do it all the time too, so he was pretty conditioned for that. Still would catch sight of Kaneki bending over or the slope of his neck and Dirk would be filled with burning want.)
I want you to want it too. Or at least to feel okay about wanting it.
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Kaneki feels arousal. He does get hard. He is not repulsed by any of that. He too is very much conditioned to want it, and even after six months in his world, kaneki would not forget how it felt and how much he loved it. How it made him feel Incredible and how it was so good that he turned silly.
And with Dirk masturbating every day (sometimes several times a day), kaneki remembers it and his body responds accordingly. He feels that burning desire, that want, and he feels the pleasure and how aroused he gets.
But kaneki himself is the problem. It's so hard for him to accept himself as part of this pleasure. He still has not forgiven himself enough and he still has not accepted his own existence enough. He doesn't believe he deserves any of that pleasure again, and no matter how much he tries to rationalize it and think of Dirk's words and everything he has said to reassure the ghoul, he still freezes everytime he touches himself to try to ease that arousal.
He doesn't want to do that in the middle of sex.
But he still wants it.
In fact, he makes sure to push those feelings through the link so Dirk can feel them too, so he can understand that even if Kaneki is so broken he still feels it and wants it.
Kaneki's head is the problem here. ]
I still want you. I still .. feel for you the same way. You are so gorgeous, Dirk. [ so arousing.
Kaneki glances back up at his boyfriend, his head now pretty much pressing against Dirk's groin. It's hard to express what he wants but as he looks up and his cheeks turn red, kaneki whispers very softly ]
I can... Use my mouth. [ they have kissed so much. Sometimes for hours. It is incredibly pleasurable for kaneki and he can do it, his brain doesn't freak out over that, right?
So he can use his mouth. That should be fine, right? ]
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(Dirk trails off, caught up in Kaneki's own emotions pertaining to sex. He understands that Kaneki didn't feel he deserved the pleasure, and Dirk reached back through their link. It's not about deserve. I want to give you pleasure. Because I love you and it brings me pleasure to pleasure you. It isn't said so much in words as much as it said in feeling.)
I know you do. (And he did. He could feel that arousal and often allowed it to wash over him as he got himself off. He never closed the link when he was getting off. He wanted Ken to always know how badly he was still desired even if they weren't fucking.
He takes in a slow breath, hyperaware now of where Ken was, that pressure growing until he was undoubtedly half-hard against the front of his jeans. It never took long when it came to Ken.
The idea of Ken going down on him nearly makes him groan. The obvious arousal increase pours through their link and there's an immediate sense of yesyesyes! But on the surface, he clears his throat yet again.)
--I mean. Yeah. Yeah, if you want to. That would be...cool.
(Dirk, you should not sound like such a virgin this far along in the game, dude. But in his defense, Kaneki gave the best head and Dirk would die happy to have that gorgeous mouth back on his cock again. It's a pronounced image in his head, the way Ken would look going down on him, something Dirk has etched into his memory.)
Do you...want to? Do that? With me?
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Slowly, one of his hands moves to the front of Dirk's pants to open them for Kaneki. He already knows Dirk's body is reacting, it's no surprise.
And yet again it just makes Kaneki react too. The way he feels, the way he smells, the way he wil taste.
Once kaneki has enough room, he actually presses his lips against Dirk, although he is still covered by the underwear. He already knows how amazing it will be, how wonderful Dirk tastes, but it has been so long ]
I have missed it... [ he admits under all that embarrassment, looking up at Dirk. ]
Show me. [ is he asking Dirk to strip for Kaneki while he watches? Well, yes. He misses that too ]
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Me too.
(He wants to ask if Kaneki is sure, but he knows he is. Not just because of their link either. He knew his boyfriend well enough by now to know how much he enjoyed sucking Dirk off.
His eyes flutter shut for a second and he has to take in another deep breath. Then he smirks.)
What, so you want me naked while you get to have fun with my body?
(He.......was really into the idea of that actually!)
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Kaneki's body feels like it's on fire and for a moment there his instinct tells him to tear off Dirk's clothes but he holds back. Instead kaneki sits up and both his hands busy themselves with making sure Dirk's pants were open all the way so he can see his boyfriend's erection.
He wants it. In his mouth.
Kaneki doesn't even ask any longer how he came to love having Dirk's cock in his mouth like this, he just does. ]
It has been a while since I did it. And i want to see how much you like it.
[ he smiles a little, seductively]
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He leans back onto his hand, tipping his head to the side. He guides his hand down to slip his erection out of his boxer briefs. He grips himself firmly by the base, half to keep him from losing it right then and there.)
You can do whatever you want to me.
(He pushes his shoes off and moves his hand so that he could push his pants and underwear down and push them off to the side. It's far from the first time they have slept together outside, and it wouldn't be the last. He's comfortable with it and it was such a long time that he would have been happy to do it anywhere.)
Eat up, sweetheart.
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And of course when he exposes the chest area, kaneki doesn't even wait and reaches for him. Even if they don't have sex, kaneki is still stupidly attracted to that part of Dirk's body and he nuzzles and presses his face against it very often. And now? Now he was going to just enjoy it.
He leans forward and immediately presses his mouth against one of Dirk's nipples, tongue tasting him right away while his hand lands on the other pec to grope it with a delight characteristic to Ken.
The other hand moves lower, gently wrapping fingers around Dirk's erection and giving it a light squeeze. ]
You taste so good... I missed your skin so much... [ kaneki kisses Dirk all the time but this is very different. ]
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Then Ken is grabbing him and he lets out a breathy moan, pinching his eyes shut.)
Fuck- (He meant to say something more eloquent than that, but Ken's got him pegged in three places right now and Dirk's starting to feel a bit like a virgin.)
Me too. (His voice is a bit wobbly like it tended to get whenever he got into his more submissive moods. It wasn't too surprising seeing as he wanted Kaneki to have the control for how far they went and how fast they took it.)
Mmm- you- sure you don't want me touching you back?
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Eventually he looks up and releases his boyfriend only to lean closer and press his lips on his ]
Kiss me a lot, Dirk.
[ for now, he is fine with not being touched. He really doesn't want to suddenly freeze halfway and start to think about the awful things kaneki thinks about himself. Right now, he just wants to feel Dirk, kiss him and touch him and suck on him.
Tha hand that remains on the cock starts moving faster now, up and down, squeezing the head whenever it reaches for it. And than, slowly, kaneki's lips part, his tongue licks the lower lip slowly and kaneki remembers the heat of Dirk's dick against it ]
I want to drink all of you
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He slides his tongue against Ken's until the taste of their mouths blur together and he's left feeling more raw and desperate than he has felt in months - even when they had been still fucking. Whenever he was finally allowed to touch Ken again, he would absolutely lose his mind.
For now, he was fine with this. It felt like a long, drawn-out edging session and he was going to treat it as such. He was going to get off several times through this, and he figures Ken knows, and if he didn't? Well he sure does now.)
Then-
(Words fail him. It really has been too long and his mind has been reduced to pleas and just the idea of Ken in general. He quite literally has been kissed stupid.)
Please, yes. (Dumbass.)
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Kaneki could spend hours just tasting Dirk's mouth like this, allowing their tongues to rub and press together while kaneki grows intoxicated by the taste, while they taste each other's saliva, until their lips turn raw.
But kaneki is well aware of Dirk's desire and how much he wants more. He is aware his boyfriend wants him and while Kaneki doesn't realize why, he still feels it all through their link.
The kiss breaks and kaneki lowers his head towards Dirk's chest just one last time to nuzzle it (he loves it) and eventually kaneki lays between Dirk's legs with his head dangerously close to his dick that he had been stroking for a while.
But instead of actually reaching for it with his lips, kaneki sucks on his index finger to make sure it's properly coated with saliva, and afterwards he presses it between Dirk's buttocks. ]
... I haven't done this in a while. You will have to tell me where to aim. [ kaneki doesn't really need to be told, no.but he wants to hear Dirk's voice. ]