(Dirk was really only as sweet with Kaneki because - Kaneki kind of made him sweet. It was hard to be anything but sweet with Kaneki. Who the fuck could be a dick to that face?
Oh yeah. Totally. Just that. Because Dirk isn't stumbling all over himself for Kaneki either. These guys-.)
Maybe. I'm pretty good at shoving weird stuff into my mouth and swallowing it whole.
(There's some sexual innuendo there.)
I do think I like sour stuff. Citrus. (He watches Kaneki. He hovers by him, winding up playing with the ties at the back of the apron because what the fuck's personal space?)
I'd be down. I feel like Texans ate spicy food a lot back in the day. (It's in his blood or whatever. Probably not, but he's open to exploration.)
I did like that thing you ordered for me on our first date. And I've liked pretty much everything you've fed me since.
[ Kaneki pauses again. Right, right, innuendos - and of course Kaneki feels embarrassment. But- ] Are you? [ he says that, almost like a challenge, before Ken quickly turns around towards the counter and promptly pretends he said nothing at all.
(He may not be someone who knows how to seduce his crush, but kaneki can try and these are his very small attempts).
But of course he will pretend he said nothing of sorts! Just an innocent question, and instead Kaneki will start preparing the hamburguers. He doesn't even mind Dirk's proximity, feeling him behind his back almost touching, before Kaneki tilts his head back a little to press it against Dirk's shoulder while he looks back at him ]
So you like everything I've given you so far? Then I'm very lucky. Or you aren't very picky, which is good. [ says the pickiest person ever because Kaneki can only eat one thing! But he refocus on the food once more ] We have some sour foods because we use a lot of fermented ingredients.
Mmmmmhmmm. I'm a very open-minded guy and I'm pretty sure I have no gag reflex. (No, he knew he didn't. Or rather he had an impressive one. He's smiling like a dork though because he picked up on that, Kaneki, thank you very much, you little surprising minx.
Kaneki didn't need to try that hard. Dirk was thoroughly seduced and rendered fucking stupid as hell. It's why he can't even pretend to be cool or disinterested. Look at this fucking boy.
Who could be chill around him? Dirk keeps on smiling like a lovestruck dumbass and twists those apron ties around his fingers. At least he's being polite and doesn't actually get in the way of his cooking.
But ahhh fuucuuukkgkhngkj
---
His smile drops out of sheer surprise when Kaneki tips his head back against his shoulder and looks at him like that. His hands automatically flicker to Kaneki's wrist and he feels like he's sixteen again the first time he met up with Jake in person - except this is so much more intense? Maybe it was because he knew without a doubt that at least Kaneki was attracted to him too. That there was some sort of organic, real mutuality between their attraction.
It makes him blush like an idiot.)
Yeah, I have. (He mumbles this before he gives a very light shrug, careful not to disturb the shoulder Kaneki had his head pressed against.)
Or you're just a bitchin' chef. I should get some generic shit from the convenience store and use it as a comparative basis. (At some point his hands have settled on Kaneki's hips and the only useful thought chugging through his brain is BOY HIPS BOY HIPS BOY HIPS.)
Japanese food always looked good to me. I'd see it in anime and movies and shit and it always looked more appetizing than like...the shit they ate in Lord of the Rings.
[ In the end, Dirk still managed to cause Kaneki such embarrassment that leaves him with no comeback. He will learn one day, and one day he will be able to play with the innuendos and dirty talk the way the other does - for now, kaneki just blushes, and smiles a tiny little bit under all that shyness.
It is something he enjoys because he feels wanted, regardless of how jokingly it is said. And in moments like this, with the two of them together and just being silly - and dirty - it is something Kaneki can't help but to love because it feels so real to him. And even though they are not a couple, this is what Kaneki feels that couples ought to do: enjoy each other's companies, talk about silly nothings, and just share the moment.
Their attraction is there, for sure, and Kaneki has learned it doesn't need to be like the scenes in romantic books where grand gestures are involved and every moment is intense. Despite the two of them being on different wavelengths - so Kaneki believes - this is still happiness to him, and perhaps that's why he is so accepting of a relationship that is so foreigner to a romantic like him.
The blushing is adorable, though. kaneki will commit it to memory.
Those hands are allowed to remain at Kaneki's hips because of that same blush, too, although the half-ghoul is intent on making a proper meal. He won't get distracted, he has iron will! (sort of...) ]
Hm... humanity always had a deep connection to food. It's an instinctive need, of course, but it also connects to us on an emotional level. It is not just about eating but also about preparing, creating, discovering. [ and sharing. but Kaneki can't do that part, so he skips it ] Food is love and memory and connection. [ and all of those are happening right now. Kaneki cooking for Dirk, food that his mother used to cook, and with that they are closer to one another. ] That's why we pay such attention to it.
That's why I want you to try it, too. [ and that's why he is taking it seriously, too
While Kaneki isn't a "bitching chef" but he is good enough! Hamburguers steaks are easy to make, and don't have a lot of ingredients, thus they will be ready soon enough, along with the white rice. There is some wasabi too, as promised, although Kaneki leave sit to the side just in case Dirk doesn't like it. ]
(It's a good thing that he finds Kaneki's shyness and blushing to be goddamn adorable. It never failed to get a smirk out of Dirk and now is no exception. It's cute enough that Dirk has to help himself to Kaneki just a teeny...tiny...bit. He leans in and kisses the side of Kaneki's neck, leaving his mouth there for a moment before tipping his head away.)
That right? (He knew all about the importance of food and gatherings around food. But maybe he just liked to listen to Kaneki speak intellectually about things like this. He liked his voice, liked the depth of his knowledge about everything. It felt good to be on a similar playing field as someone.
When Kaneki says that food is love and memory and connection, he can't help but get this dumb flipping feeling in the pit of his chest. He presses his face briefly against the back of Kaneki's head, feeling a bit worked up by that one. He wasn't totally delusional. He didn't think that Kaneki was madly in love with him...Yet...But he...liked the idea of Kaneki having something similar to the shape of love within him towards Dirk. Something that maybe with enough attention and patience could one day evolve into love.
He was getting ahead of himself. Fantasizing about romantic futures kind of the way Kaneki was. They were both giant idiots.)
I'll have to learn to cook something special for you one of these days too.
(Because that's fair, right? That's what you did. His food would have no memory but it would be filled with the other two. Dirk does eventually give Kaneki some breathing room, moving to chill against the small booth that served as the dining table in his trailer. He rests an arm and observes Kaneki, legs sprawled apart in front of him, long and without care of taking up too much space.)
See. (Oh no.) This shit is exactly why I married you. You're like a goddamn trophy wife and we ain't even hit our one year yet.
[ Those kisses just stir him up inside and Kaneki almost holds his breath. It crosses his mind to remind Dirk he is meant to behave while kaneki cooks, but it's such a sweet gentle thing that he doesn't dare. How could he? When he wants to melt into those small gestures and get lost in them.
The kiss on his neck, Dirk's breath on his skin, his weight against kaneki's back, and jo, pressing against Kaneki's hair... how could he not feel like this towards him? How could anyone keep things casual like this? How would anyone want to?
Kaneki is still trying to cook, although it's hard to focus. When the other moves away, ken smiles a little. he wouldn't be able to eat any of the food Dirk were to make, but he doesn't say that. In a way, he hopes the other won't remember to do it because it would break kaneki's heart to refuse anything Dirk cooked. ]
Hmm, and I know how to mend clothes too. [ he says with a grin on his face, still focused on finishing the meal ] And you? What can you offer? [ he glances back at Dirk ] I'm a really demanding wife.
(It's absolutely true. Even friends with benefits didn't do this kind of thing. They hung out like friends and then when they got horny if they got horny, they fucked. End of story. There were no fleeting touches.
Dirk's swooning flat out as he watches Kaneki and he thinks for the first time in his life that maybe he's actually lucked out. Even if Kaneki didn't like him back the same way...but...maybe he did. He certainly didn't mind Dirk's constant attention. Didn't look uncomfortable or unsure.
He smiles a lot. Dirk wonders if he has ever actually made anyone smile this much and he realizes that no. It's Kaneki. Kaneki's the first and that-.
His own face is carefully flat now, as it often is, but there's a structured rigidity because he's realizing that he's on an inevitable path of falling for this guy Hard. That he's probably been falling.
But then Kaneki is asking what he can offer and glancing back at him and Dirk feels goddamn slammed. So he just answers with his immediate instinct:)
I'd offer you everything. (Literally.) Anything you wanted and I'd make it happen.
Oh? My husband really is amazing, I guess I lucked out too.
[ while Kaneki is of course just playing along, he doesn't really realize Dirk might be very serious and mean the words he said. Kaneki is paying attention to the food, after all, and not to words most would assume it's just playful talk.
But the food is eventually ready. Ken reaches for one of the plates Dirk got where he places the hamburguer steak along with sauce and rice, with a bit of wasabi on the side, and after offers it to Dirk ]
It's done. Let me know what you think. [ but before anything: ] The green paste is wasabi. It's... pungent.
(WHY...WHY IS IT SO MUCH...To hear Kaneki refer to him as his husband even in jest...! He's just gonna...be...burning up over here trying to ignore the fact that he's blushing like a fool.
One day Kaneki will find out just how absolutely extra Dirk really is. And how intense he is. Today's not that day (maybe). He takes the plate from Kaneki, noticing that Kaneki hadn't made anything for himself, but he doesn't question it. He was theorizing at the back of his head at this point, but...For now.)
Okay.
(He turns about in the booth and digs in. The hamburger is...fucking heavenly and that's transparent on his face in seconds.)
Dude, seriously? (...No this might be his favorite thing so far. Whoa. He gingerly dips the burger in the paste and takes another bite. He doesn't make any face right away but then he perks up.)
Oh hell yeah. That's fuckin' incredible. Oh my god.
[ Less questions mean less lies. Kaneki doesn't want to lie, but he knows he has to - it's part of his nature now. He is still not able to properly pretend he enjoys human food and gets sick extremely fast if he has any, but specially now that he is cooking for Dirk, he knows he has to train his acting skills and get better at it. That's how ghouls share meals with their human friends, they pretend they enjoy it.
Because of love, memory and connection.
Kaneki can't help but smile wider as he watches Dirk eat. he is proud of himself for being able to make him look like that, for being able to cook something he enjoys that much. That expression is worth it, completely. ]
Really? I'm glad. [ he leans back against the counter, still watching Dirk ] That's my signature dish. Or rather, my mother's.
It's incredible. I actually think this is my favorite so far that you've made. (And he's not blowing smoke up his ass either. It really was delicious. He adds a bit more wasabi to his next bite to see if more would be too much. It wasn't and so he gets used to figure out the quantities.)
I love it. (Seriously.)
Your mom's got good taste. (Which...He rubs at the corner of his mouth.)
I will make it more often, then. [ Kaneki grins wide.
He is happy. Happy that Dirk is enjoying himself. Kaneki knows he never tried many foods before, so if he can show him this much he will be very glad for it.
When Dirk mentions his mother, Ken smiles softens]
She was my pride and joy. Hardworking, kind, gentle. It was just the two of us when I was young. [ they were close, yes. And Kaneki loves her deeply] I hope to be as kind as she was, one day.
You so good to me. (And Ken was kind of right? Dirk was beginning to realize that he actually did have a general taste preference. He liked sharper tastes: spicy, sour. Didn't have a huge sweet tooth unless it was for snackier food. Liked fresh fruit.
Definitely enjoyed vinegar bases. He's mulling over the food when Kaneki's face softens. And - ah. It's not something he can relate to at all in the slightest, but seeing this side of Kaneki was...really nice.)
I think you already are. I've legit never met someone as generous and sweet as you are, and that's not just 'cause I think you're cute. Did uh- something happen to her? (Sorry, Ken, he has no idea how to navigate family conversations IRL.)
[ Kaneki looks back at Dirk when the blond calls him kind. He doesn't feel kind but... But it makes him glad to hear that somehow, others believe so.
However, the conversation about his mom is a very soft and painful thing for Ken. He loves his mother, and misses her terribly, and Kaneki can not get over the fact she is no longer there. Even after all this time.
He turns to the the dirty kitchen utensils he used to make Dirk's food and decides to focus on them and wash up. ]
She passed away when I was ten. Overworked herself and her body just... Shut down. [ she really was a hard worker. Too much] I was adopted by my aunt after. [ the tone Ken says that is very different from how he spoke about his mother. In truth, he didn't like his aunt. Or rather... She didn't like him]
I see. (He doesn't say "I'm sorry" because truthfully, he's not accustomed to things like that and doesn't think to.)
Family dynamics always struck me as kind of weird. (He admits this after a second after swallowing down some more burger.)
The whole obligation of familial relationships, I mean. (It's evident enough that Kaneki didn't feel positive towards his aunt and Dirk had heard about adoptions not always being the most ideal arrangement. Then again, it seemed most abuse always came from family in general.)
[ Kaneki shakes his head] They can be, yes. It's... Hard sometimes, to know what to feel about some of your family.
[Kaneki does not hate his aunt. But he surely was hated by her.]
I don't remember my father, he passed away when I was four. But he left many books behind and... I don't know, I thought I could get closer to him and understand him, if I understood the many books he read. [ Kaneki smiles before he chuckles, shaking his head] It was a silly thought. But that's how I became a nerd.
[ Kaneki grins wider, finishing cleaning the dishes before he comes closer to Dirk]
If you didn't have parents... How did you have a brother? [ another clone? Dirk's whole... Not-family is a bit confusing]
Yeah, I kinda get that. (Though his situation was less about typical societal expectations and more of a general existential panic over what the fuck to do with weird familial bonds.)
I would have done the same. (Like. Genuinely. And he kind of did with his own bro. He nods to his tattooed arm.) That was my attempt at getting to know my brother. I wanted to try and glean shit from his movies, tried to look for deeper meaning and secret messages. I dunno.
(Maybe that was so natural of humans regardless of their circumstances that there was no escaping it. Not even isolation.) I don't think it's silly at all. You were playing the role of a historian and hoping to figure out your own history. Who could blame you?
(Ahh yeah. His family shit is confusing.)
I technically don't have a brother. He's actually my genetic son that was made from combined genetics between myself and my friend Roxy. But in his timeline and my own, we both had a brotherly relationship to one another. And my sexuality has been static across the board, so it's not like I was dickin' down ladies in his timeline either. So. Brothers just fit our relationship better. I don't see myself as his father and I don't want to be considered anyone's father. I don't want kids like that. But I do want to be his brother, and I think he wants to be mine too. So. We're brothers.
[ When Dirk mentions the tattoo, Kaneki gently reaches for it. he has asked about it before, although not in depth, but it made sense then and now it makes a lot more. Kaneki traces it, although he eventually realizes he should not be touching without permission, so his hand falls. ]
Yeah. As if something had been left behind for us. [ Kaneki is aware that's not a thing but... he was just a child desperate for a connection. he is certain Dirk felt the same.
Kaneki nods softly as he hears the explanation. Different timelines... Dirk is aware of them, but most people would not, right? But it could be related to the game, too, the game that destroyed the world.
And made Dirk immortal.
There is so much to unpack. ]
And you are. I'm sure you are a great brother in both timelines. [ obviously kaneki never read homestuck ] ... Can I ask... who made all of that happen? Who did the genetic combinations and clones. Was it the game you played?
(Dirk doesn't mind the touching. If anything, it gives him a warmer sense of the tattoo than he's had in...years. It used to just be an ugly mark as a testament to a failed relationship. But now he was realizing that it could be more than that yet again. As originally intended.
He misses Kaneki's touch the moment it's dropped but says nothing.)
Exactly. I used to believe my bro left behind this puppet for me and the apartment I grew up in.
(He did. He had craved for it.
There really is a lot to unpack. Dirk had a weird life even be weird standards and there was no great way to explain it all in one neat little conversation.)
I'm not. (Yeah no Dirk wasn't going to fool Kaneki into thinking he's a decent person.) I'm an abusive asshole in most timelines. I'm a myth here for a reason. I'm not that great of a person.
(Look at what he had done to Junpei. He enjoyed mentally terrorizing that kid. Got off on the power.
He nods.)
Yeah. It was part of the game. The game essentially created one massive paradox that the aliens technically started. The trolls found the game in some ancient ruins, uploaded it, and the one who is good with code- I actually think he's here now, Sollux? Yeah, he revamped the fucker and made it so he and his friends could play. That ended their world, literally, and then when they beat their version of the game, it created the human world, and in that, a timeline of the humans having their own version of the game.
(Deeeep breath.)
I was originally one of the four guardians in that first timeline. I was Dave - my bro - I was his guardian. His older bro. Took care of him and we just kind of existed, then they played their version of the game which led to the end of their world. Then Dave's friend John - who is here too - he had the role of basically "repopulation" where he created clones of ...uh...us guardians, right, so. Me, my friend Roxy, our friend Jake, and our friend Jane. Respectively-
(This is so weird!!)
Jane was John's grandma, Roxy was Rose's mom, Jake was Jade's grandpa, and I was Dave's brother. That was the beta timeline, the original, and then when John cloned us all, it created...This. Me. (He pointed to himself.) In the alpha timeline. So I'm a paradox. I'm my own father, but John technically created us in a lab, so I guess in some weird way he's responsible for my creation. And Rose and Dave are the product of Roxy and mine's combined genetic coding? Dunno. Basically, I'm a lab baby and I'm 100% my own genetic coding. I have no actual parents - literally. I've never even had fake parental figures or any desire for them.
(He's finished with his food now and he's just. Staring down at his plate. It's more than he usually speaks, but now that he's there...)
I used to think I wasn't even a human. I thought I was an artificial intelligence put into the body of a boy. I went through a phase when I was a child that my existence was a pre-determined product of the apocalypse and I don't know...I tried to figure out what my purpose was. When you're alone every single day and you're told about all these people who allegedly used to live in the world around you, but you have no comprehension of it because you're in the middle of an ocean...I don't know. It fucks with a kid.
(He rubs a hand through his hair and gives Kaneki an apologetic look.)
Sorry. Kinda rambled there. I guess I've spent my entire life realizing I'm just this paradox playing a role in a game. I didn't have a childhood like Dave or John or their friends. Or like the trolls. I just...always existed for the game. I might as well be some fuckin' NPC.
Kaneki listens, he gives him all the attention to try and put all the pieces together. He doesn't know about aliens (trolls? isn't that a fantasy beast? Well, kaneki is a ghoul and not the ghost kind, so who is he to judge what a race of aliens calls themselves), but still manages to piece some things together. Two timelines; beta and alpha. In each different one there are guardians and they are different in each timeline... but still the same, apparently.
But he also understand the issues regarding family. Because in the end, Dirk has no blood connections and lived completely alone with another girl - Roxy, right, Kaneki remembers - in a desolated world. All he had was the memory of a brother.
But that last part causes Kaneki's chest to squeeze. He frowns a little, and forgets about personal space again, so his hand can reach the side of Dirk's face and push the blond hair away from it with a stroke ] Hey.
You are not just that. I doubt a NPC in a game would enjoy food like this, or talk like this, or exist like this. Or touch me like you do. And even if your existence is complicated, here you are. Living, despite it all.
And I see you. [ Kaneki knows he is not enough. But he will give as much as he can.]
Dirk realizes it too and he looks partially embarrassed by it because, yeah, like. He understands objectively how fucking batshit insane he probably sounds right now.
And worse yet was he hadn't even really lived with Roxy. They were 3,000 miles apart. He could have gone to live with her. If he had just...cared more. If he was a better person. If she had been a guy, Dirk knows he would have tried. Roxy knew too. And what exactly did that say about Dirk?
Dirk almost jumps at the touch to his face. He's absolutely completely unused to any physical comfort when he is allowing himself to be vulnerable. He pretty much never allowed himself to be vulnerable and up until now had only allowed that to transpire online where he had the safety of the internet to hide behind. This was different and he nearly absconds by default.
Instead, he stays still and lets Kaneki comfort him. Maybe because he wanted any attention from Kaneki or maybe it was because...Maybe it was because he had never allowed himself to have any comfort in regards to this subject. He's frozen but it's better than running away. His face is carefully blank and, then, slowly, a bit of color fills his cheeks.
Kaneki is more than enough is the thing. Kaneki is the only thing presently that mattered to Dirk and so he closes his hand around Kaneki's. He turns his head and kisses that palm and then his wrist, holding his lips against Kaneki's pulse. I could love him one day. It's an easy, comfortable realization and it brings Dirk out of his seat and he's leaning over to kiss Kaneki on his mouth.)
As long as you see me then I suppose the rest doesn't matter.
(Another kiss, slower.)
I'm not as good of a person as you think I am, but I'm selfish enough that I'm not interested in changing your mind about that. I want you to think I'm worth something, that I'm better than I actually am.
[ His pulse quickens at the kiss, but it also feels warmer now. Just like Kaneki's chest. But he does not pull away and instead Ken's other hand reaches for Dirk's face again, to stroke his cheek.
Of course he doesn't reject the kiss that follows next either, kissing Dirk back softly, lovingly ]
Dirk. You are good to me. So you are enough, a thousand times enough. [ and so hard on himself. He could be perfect and perhaps would still not be enough to him, because that's human nature, isn't it?
Kaneki smiles while still stroking the blonde's cheek. ] Let me decide that for myself. So far, you are in the clear. [ he says playfully, before pressing his forehead against Dirk's ]
Dude, they see me as a megalomaniac. And they aren't too off base.
(He could be a downright terror to deal with and he'd be a liar if he said he didn't have a history of abusive tendencies. Between his beta and alpha timeline, he wasn't the greatest to the people he cared about the most. Kaneki made him feel like he had the potential to be something kinder. Better.
He had to be hard on himself. If he wasn't, he'd never change, would he? But maybe having Kaneki believe in him...Maybe that would help. He never did have someone believe in him like this.
Dave, maybe, but Dave had also come from a crueler version of Dirk, and Dave had just longed for a connection to Dirk that he hadn't had back when Dave's brother existed.)
All right. I can do that. (Allow Kaneki the autonomy of choice.
He closes his eyes for a second, and then tips his head to kiss Kaneki lightly on the mouth.)
Thanks, kid. You're way too sweet to me. But it might just work.
[ even if he has a hard time calling it that. But in the end, Kaneki knows it's hard to see yourself and the way you are; it's hard to accept positive things about oneself too, and Kaneki is guilty of it many many times. Kaneki also knows it will take a while until Dirk actually believes him, so for now he will just remind him he doesn't see him as a bad person at all.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Kaneki smiles into the kiss, before his hand moves to Dirk's cheek, stroking it gently, slowly ]
I will keep going until it does. [ he dares to lean in for another kiss, but this time he keeps their lips pressed longer, until Ken dares to press his tongue against Dirk's lips. It should be fine, right? They are already kissing after all. Why not more? ]
(But Kaneki isn't technically wrong. Although Dirk's not so sure if he had many friends in this place. Kyle, maybe. Kaneki, definitely. John...possibly, but mostly by virtue of Dave.
Kaneki is so fucking sweet to him though that he can't help but feel like Kaneki would wake up one day and feel duped into thinking that Dirk was better than he actually was.
But in the meantime? He can't refuse him anything. Especially with Kaneki touching his tongue to Dirk's lip and he feels this warmth blossom under his ribs. He kisses back, opening his mouth up so he could touch their tongues together.)
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Oh yeah. Totally. Just that. Because Dirk isn't stumbling all over himself for Kaneki either. These guys-.)
Maybe. I'm pretty good at shoving weird stuff into my mouth and swallowing it whole.
(There's some sexual innuendo there.)
I do think I like sour stuff. Citrus. (He watches Kaneki. He hovers by him, winding up playing with the ties at the back of the apron because what the fuck's personal space?)
I'd be down. I feel like Texans ate spicy food a lot back in the day. (It's in his blood or whatever. Probably not, but he's open to exploration.)
I did like that thing you ordered for me on our first date. And I've liked pretty much everything you've fed me since.
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(He may not be someone who knows how to seduce his crush, but kaneki can try and these are his very small attempts).
But of course he will pretend he said nothing of sorts! Just an innocent question, and instead Kaneki will start preparing the hamburguers. He doesn't even mind Dirk's proximity, feeling him behind his back almost touching, before Kaneki tilts his head back a little to press it against Dirk's shoulder while he looks back at him ]
So you like everything I've given you so far? Then I'm very lucky. Or you aren't very picky, which is good. [ says the pickiest person ever because Kaneki can only eat one thing! But he refocus on the food once more ] We have some sour foods because we use a lot of fermented ingredients.
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Kaneki didn't need to try that hard. Dirk was thoroughly seduced and rendered fucking stupid as hell. It's why he can't even pretend to be cool or disinterested. Look at this fucking boy.
Who could be chill around him? Dirk keeps on smiling like a lovestruck dumbass and twists those apron ties around his fingers. At least he's being polite and doesn't actually get in the way of his cooking.
But ahhh fuucuuukkgkhngkj
---
His smile drops out of sheer surprise when Kaneki tips his head back against his shoulder and looks at him like that. His hands automatically flicker to Kaneki's wrist and he feels like he's sixteen again the first time he met up with Jake in person - except this is so much more intense? Maybe it was because he knew without a doubt that at least Kaneki was attracted to him too. That there was some sort of organic, real mutuality between their attraction.
It makes him blush like an idiot.)
Yeah, I have. (He mumbles this before he gives a very light shrug, careful not to disturb the shoulder Kaneki had his head pressed against.)
Or you're just a bitchin' chef. I should get some generic shit from the convenience store and use it as a comparative basis. (At some point his hands have settled on Kaneki's hips and the only useful thought chugging through his brain is BOY HIPS BOY HIPS BOY HIPS.)
Japanese food always looked good to me. I'd see it in anime and movies and shit and it always looked more appetizing than like...the shit they ate in Lord of the Rings.
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It is something he enjoys because he feels wanted, regardless of how jokingly it is said. And in moments like this, with the two of them together and just being silly - and dirty - it is something Kaneki can't help but to love because it feels so real to him. And even though they are not a couple, this is what Kaneki feels that couples ought to do: enjoy each other's companies, talk about silly nothings, and just share the moment.
Their attraction is there, for sure, and Kaneki has learned it doesn't need to be like the scenes in romantic books where grand gestures are involved and every moment is intense. Despite the two of them being on different wavelengths - so Kaneki believes - this is still happiness to him, and perhaps that's why he is so accepting of a relationship that is so foreigner to a romantic like him.
The blushing is adorable, though. kaneki will commit it to memory.
Those hands are allowed to remain at Kaneki's hips because of that same blush, too, although the half-ghoul is intent on making a proper meal. He won't get distracted, he has iron will! (sort of...) ]
Hm... humanity always had a deep connection to food. It's an instinctive need, of course, but it also connects to us on an emotional level. It is not just about eating but also about preparing, creating, discovering. [ and sharing. but Kaneki can't do that part, so he skips it ] Food is love and memory and connection. [ and all of those are happening right now. Kaneki cooking for Dirk, food that his mother used to cook, and with that they are closer to one another. ] That's why we pay such attention to it.
That's why I want you to try it, too. [ and that's why he is taking it seriously, too
While Kaneki isn't a "bitching chef" but he is good enough! Hamburguers steaks are easy to make, and don't have a lot of ingredients, thus they will be ready soon enough, along with the white rice. There is some wasabi too, as promised, although Kaneki leave sit to the side just in case Dirk doesn't like it. ]
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That right? (He knew all about the importance of food and gatherings around food. But maybe he just liked to listen to Kaneki speak intellectually about things like this. He liked his voice, liked the depth of his knowledge about everything. It felt good to be on a similar playing field as someone.
When Kaneki says that food is love and memory and connection, he can't help but get this dumb flipping feeling in the pit of his chest. He presses his face briefly against the back of Kaneki's head, feeling a bit worked up by that one. He wasn't totally delusional. He didn't think that Kaneki was madly in love with him...Yet...But he...liked the idea of Kaneki having something similar to the shape of love within him towards Dirk. Something that maybe with enough attention and patience could one day evolve into love.
He was getting ahead of himself. Fantasizing about romantic futures kind of the way Kaneki was. They were both giant idiots.)
I'll have to learn to cook something special for you one of these days too.
(Because that's fair, right? That's what you did. His food would have no memory but it would be filled with the other two. Dirk does eventually give Kaneki some breathing room, moving to chill against the small booth that served as the dining table in his trailer. He rests an arm and observes Kaneki, legs sprawled apart in front of him, long and without care of taking up too much space.)
See. (Oh no.) This shit is exactly why I married you. You're like a goddamn trophy wife and we ain't even hit our one year yet.
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The kiss on his neck, Dirk's breath on his skin, his weight against kaneki's back, and jo, pressing against Kaneki's hair... how could he not feel like this towards him? How could anyone keep things casual like this? How would anyone want to?
Kaneki is still trying to cook, although it's hard to focus. When the other moves away, ken smiles a little. he wouldn't be able to eat any of the food Dirk were to make, but he doesn't say that. In a way, he hopes the other won't remember to do it because it would break kaneki's heart to refuse anything Dirk cooked. ]
Hmm, and I know how to mend clothes too. [ he says with a grin on his face, still focused on finishing the meal ] And you? What can you offer? [ he glances back at Dirk ] I'm a really demanding wife.
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Dirk's swooning flat out as he watches Kaneki and he thinks for the first time in his life that maybe he's actually lucked out. Even if Kaneki didn't like him back the same way...but...maybe he did. He certainly didn't mind Dirk's constant attention. Didn't look uncomfortable or unsure.
He smiles a lot. Dirk wonders if he has ever actually made anyone smile this much and he realizes that no. It's Kaneki. Kaneki's the first and that-.
His own face is carefully flat now, as it often is, but there's a structured rigidity because he's realizing that he's on an inevitable path of falling for this guy Hard. That he's probably been falling.
But then Kaneki is asking what he can offer and glancing back at him and Dirk feels goddamn slammed. So he just answers with his immediate instinct:)
I'd offer you everything. (Literally.) Anything you wanted and I'd make it happen.
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[ while Kaneki is of course just playing along, he doesn't really realize Dirk might be very serious and mean the words he said. Kaneki is paying attention to the food, after all, and not to words most would assume it's just playful talk.
But the food is eventually ready. Ken reaches for one of the plates Dirk got where he places the hamburguer steak along with sauce and rice, with a bit of wasabi on the side, and after offers it to Dirk ]
It's done. Let me know what you think. [ but before anything: ] The green paste is wasabi. It's... pungent.
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One day Kaneki will find out just how absolutely extra Dirk really is. And how intense he is. Today's not that day (maybe). He takes the plate from Kaneki, noticing that Kaneki hadn't made anything for himself, but he doesn't question it. He was theorizing at the back of his head at this point, but...For now.)
Okay.
(He turns about in the booth and digs in. The hamburger is...fucking heavenly and that's transparent on his face in seconds.)
Dude, seriously? (...No this might be his favorite thing so far. Whoa. He gingerly dips the burger in the paste and takes another bite. He doesn't make any face right away but then he perks up.)
Oh hell yeah. That's fuckin' incredible. Oh my god.
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Because of love, memory and connection.
Kaneki can't help but smile wider as he watches Dirk eat. he is proud of himself for being able to make him look like that, for being able to cook something he enjoys that much. That expression is worth it, completely. ]
Really? I'm glad. [ he leans back against the counter, still watching Dirk ] That's my signature dish. Or rather, my mother's.
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I love it. (Seriously.)
Your mom's got good taste. (Which...He rubs at the corner of his mouth.)
Were you really close with her?
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He is happy. Happy that Dirk is enjoying himself. Kaneki knows he never tried many foods before, so if he can show him this much he will be very glad for it.
When Dirk mentions his mother, Ken smiles softens]
She was my pride and joy. Hardworking, kind, gentle. It was just the two of us when I was young. [ they were close, yes. And Kaneki loves her deeply] I hope to be as kind as she was, one day.
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Definitely enjoyed vinegar bases. He's mulling over the food when Kaneki's face softens. And - ah. It's not something he can relate to at all in the slightest, but seeing this side of Kaneki was...really nice.)
I think you already are. I've legit never met someone as generous and sweet as you are, and that's not just 'cause I think you're cute. Did uh- something happen to her? (Sorry, Ken, he has no idea how to navigate family conversations IRL.)
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However, the conversation about his mom is a very soft and painful thing for Ken. He loves his mother, and misses her terribly, and Kaneki can not get over the fact she is no longer there. Even after all this time.
He turns to the the dirty kitchen utensils he used to make Dirk's food and decides to focus on them and wash up. ]
She passed away when I was ten. Overworked herself and her body just... Shut down. [ she really was a hard worker. Too much] I was adopted by my aunt after. [ the tone Ken says that is very different from how he spoke about his mother. In truth, he didn't like his aunt. Or rather... She didn't like him]
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Family dynamics always struck me as kind of weird. (He admits this after a second after swallowing down some more burger.)
The whole obligation of familial relationships, I mean. (It's evident enough that Kaneki didn't feel positive towards his aunt and Dirk had heard about adoptions not always being the most ideal arrangement. Then again, it seemed most abuse always came from family in general.)
What about your dad?
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[Kaneki does not hate his aunt. But he surely was hated by her.]
I don't remember my father, he passed away when I was four. But he left many books behind and... I don't know, I thought I could get closer to him and understand him, if I understood the many books he read. [ Kaneki smiles before he chuckles, shaking his head] It was a silly thought. But that's how I became a nerd.
[ Kaneki grins wider, finishing cleaning the dishes before he comes closer to Dirk]
If you didn't have parents... How did you have a brother? [ another clone? Dirk's whole... Not-family is a bit confusing]
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I would have done the same. (Like. Genuinely. And he kind of did with his own bro. He nods to his tattooed arm.) That was my attempt at getting to know my brother. I wanted to try and glean shit from his movies, tried to look for deeper meaning and secret messages. I dunno.
(Maybe that was so natural of humans regardless of their circumstances that there was no escaping it. Not even isolation.) I don't think it's silly at all. You were playing the role of a historian and hoping to figure out your own history. Who could blame you?
(Ahh yeah. His family shit is confusing.)
I technically don't have a brother. He's actually my genetic son that was made from combined genetics between myself and my friend Roxy. But in his timeline and my own, we both had a brotherly relationship to one another. And my sexuality has been static across the board, so it's not like I was dickin' down ladies in his timeline either. So. Brothers just fit our relationship better. I don't see myself as his father and I don't want to be considered anyone's father. I don't want kids like that. But I do want to be his brother, and I think he wants to be mine too. So. We're brothers.
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Yeah. As if something had been left behind for us. [ Kaneki is aware that's not a thing but... he was just a child desperate for a connection. he is certain Dirk felt the same.
Kaneki nods softly as he hears the explanation. Different timelines... Dirk is aware of them, but most people would not, right? But it could be related to the game, too, the game that destroyed the world.
And made Dirk immortal.
There is so much to unpack. ]
And you are. I'm sure you are a great brother in both timelines. [
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He misses Kaneki's touch the moment it's dropped but says nothing.)
Exactly. I used to believe my bro left behind this puppet for me and the apartment I grew up in.
(He did. He had craved for it.
There really is a lot to unpack. Dirk had a weird life even be weird standards and there was no great way to explain it all in one neat little conversation.)
I'm not. (Yeah no Dirk wasn't going to fool Kaneki into thinking he's a decent person.) I'm an abusive asshole in most timelines. I'm a myth here for a reason. I'm not that great of a person.
(Look at what he had done to Junpei. He enjoyed mentally terrorizing that kid. Got off on the power.
He nods.)
Yeah. It was part of the game. The game essentially created one massive paradox that the aliens technically started. The trolls found the game in some ancient ruins, uploaded it, and the one who is good with code- I actually think he's here now, Sollux? Yeah, he revamped the fucker and made it so he and his friends could play. That ended their world, literally, and then when they beat their version of the game, it created the human world, and in that, a timeline of the humans having their own version of the game.
(Deeeep breath.)
I was originally one of the four guardians in that first timeline. I was Dave - my bro - I was his guardian. His older bro. Took care of him and we just kind of existed, then they played their version of the game which led to the end of their world. Then Dave's friend John - who is here too - he had the role of basically "repopulation" where he created clones of ...uh...us guardians, right, so. Me, my friend Roxy, our friend Jake, and our friend Jane. Respectively-
(This is so weird!!)
Jane was John's grandma, Roxy was Rose's mom, Jake was Jade's grandpa, and I was Dave's brother. That was the beta timeline, the original, and then when John cloned us all, it created...This. Me. (He pointed to himself.) In the alpha timeline. So I'm a paradox. I'm my own father, but John technically created us in a lab, so I guess in some weird way he's responsible for my creation. And Rose and Dave are the product of Roxy and mine's combined genetic coding? Dunno. Basically, I'm a lab baby and I'm 100% my own genetic coding. I have no actual parents - literally. I've never even had fake parental figures or any desire for them.
(He's finished with his food now and he's just. Staring down at his plate. It's more than he usually speaks, but now that he's there...)
I used to think I wasn't even a human. I thought I was an artificial intelligence put into the body of a boy. I went through a phase when I was a child that my existence was a pre-determined product of the apocalypse and I don't know...I tried to figure out what my purpose was. When you're alone every single day and you're told about all these people who allegedly used to live in the world around you, but you have no comprehension of it because you're in the middle of an ocean...I don't know. It fucks with a kid.
(He rubs a hand through his hair and gives Kaneki an apologetic look.)
Sorry. Kinda rambled there. I guess I've spent my entire life realizing I'm just this paradox playing a role in a game. I didn't have a childhood like Dave or John or their friends. Or like the trolls. I just...always existed for the game. I might as well be some fuckin' NPC.
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It's A LOT.
So much.
Kaneki listens, he gives him all the attention to try and put all the pieces together. He doesn't know about aliens (trolls? isn't that a fantasy beast? Well, kaneki is a ghoul and not the ghost kind, so who is he to judge what a race of aliens calls themselves), but still manages to piece some things together. Two timelines; beta and alpha. In each different one there are guardians and they are different in each timeline... but still the same, apparently.
But he also understand the issues regarding family. Because in the end, Dirk has no blood connections and lived completely alone with another girl - Roxy, right, Kaneki remembers - in a desolated world. All he had was the memory of a brother.
But that last part causes Kaneki's chest to squeeze. He frowns a little, and forgets about personal space again, so his hand can reach the side of Dirk's face and push the blond hair away from it with a stroke ] Hey.
You are not just that. I doubt a NPC in a game would enjoy food like this, or talk like this, or exist like this. Or touch me like you do. And even if your existence is complicated, here you are. Living, despite it all.
And I see you. [ Kaneki knows he is not enough. But he will give as much as he can.]
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Dirk realizes it too and he looks partially embarrassed by it because, yeah, like. He understands objectively how fucking batshit insane he probably sounds right now.
And worse yet was he hadn't even really lived with Roxy. They were 3,000 miles apart. He could have gone to live with her. If he had just...cared more. If he was a better person. If she had been a guy, Dirk knows he would have tried. Roxy knew too. And what exactly did that say about Dirk?
Dirk almost jumps at the touch to his face. He's absolutely completely unused to any physical comfort when he is allowing himself to be vulnerable. He pretty much never allowed himself to be vulnerable and up until now had only allowed that to transpire online where he had the safety of the internet to hide behind. This was different and he nearly absconds by default.
Instead, he stays still and lets Kaneki comfort him. Maybe because he wanted any attention from Kaneki or maybe it was because...Maybe it was because he had never allowed himself to have any comfort in regards to this subject. He's frozen but it's better than running away. His face is carefully blank and, then, slowly, a bit of color fills his cheeks.
Kaneki is more than enough is the thing. Kaneki is the only thing presently that mattered to Dirk and so he closes his hand around Kaneki's. He turns his head and kisses that palm and then his wrist, holding his lips against Kaneki's pulse. I could love him one day. It's an easy, comfortable realization and it brings Dirk out of his seat and he's leaning over to kiss Kaneki on his mouth.)
As long as you see me then I suppose the rest doesn't matter.
(Another kiss, slower.)
I'm not as good of a person as you think I am, but I'm selfish enough that I'm not interested in changing your mind about that. I want you to think I'm worth something, that I'm better than I actually am.
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[ His pulse quickens at the kiss, but it also feels warmer now. Just like Kaneki's chest. But he does not pull away and instead Ken's other hand reaches for Dirk's face again, to stroke his cheek.
Of course he doesn't reject the kiss that follows next either, kissing Dirk back softly, lovingly ]
Dirk. You are good to me. So you are enough, a thousand times enough. [ and so hard on himself. He could be perfect and perhaps would still not be enough to him, because that's human nature, isn't it?
Kaneki smiles while still stroking the blonde's cheek. ] Let me decide that for myself. So far, you are in the clear. [ he says playfully, before pressing his forehead against Dirk's ]
You will be alright.
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(He could be a downright terror to deal with and he'd be a liar if he said he didn't have a history of abusive tendencies. Between his beta and alpha timeline, he wasn't the greatest to the people he cared about the most. Kaneki made him feel like he had the potential to be something kinder. Better.
He had to be hard on himself. If he wasn't, he'd never change, would he? But maybe having Kaneki believe in him...Maybe that would help. He never did have someone believe in him like this.
Dave, maybe, but Dave had also come from a crueler version of Dirk, and Dave had just longed for a connection to Dirk that he hadn't had back when Dave's brother existed.)
All right. I can do that. (Allow Kaneki the autonomy of choice.
He closes his eyes for a second, and then tips his head to kiss Kaneki lightly on the mouth.)
Thanks, kid. You're way too sweet to me. But it might just work.
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[ even if he has a hard time calling it that. But in the end, Kaneki knows it's hard to see yourself and the way you are; it's hard to accept positive things about oneself too, and Kaneki is guilty of it many many times. Kaneki also knows it will take a while until Dirk actually believes him, so for now he will just remind him he doesn't see him as a bad person at all.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Kaneki smiles into the kiss, before his hand moves to Dirk's cheek, stroking it gently, slowly ]
I will keep going until it does. [ he dares to lean in for another kiss, but this time he keeps their lips pressed longer, until Ken dares to press his tongue against Dirk's lips. It should be fine, right? They are already kissing after all. Why not more? ]
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(But Kaneki isn't technically wrong. Although Dirk's not so sure if he had many friends in this place. Kyle, maybe. Kaneki, definitely. John...possibly, but mostly by virtue of Dave.
Kaneki is so fucking sweet to him though that he can't help but feel like Kaneki would wake up one day and feel duped into thinking that Dirk was better than he actually was.
But in the meantime? He can't refuse him anything. Especially with Kaneki touching his tongue to Dirk's lip and he feels this warmth blossom under his ribs. He kisses back, opening his mouth up so he could touch their tongues together.)
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