[ it's late night when it happens. A sharp pain that Kaneki can feel through his whole body, as if it's burying into his whole being, into his soul. It causes him to wake up with a gasp and then, deep within him something grows like a monster taking over, like his whole being is being being ripped apart while he is being pulled towards once single thing:
Hunger.
Kaneki is hungry.
He has been much better about food lately. Dirk has suggested he has a little bit of food here and there while they watch a movie or are distracted with something else, as if it's just a natural thing. That has helped Kaneki a lot indeed. But he still starves himself and still waits until he feels that blinding pain to know he can't hold back anymore and must eat.
Kaneki crawls out of his and Dirk's bed, not even thinking about if Dirk is besides him or not and, forgetting to turn off the psychic link between the two, he heads immediately towards the cellar where he keeps the freezer full of food. Food that he got from spoons, food thay would look like normal meat to the untrained eye, but ultimately food that only ghouls can eat. Kaneki is very aware of what it is, but tonight he forgets it all while the pain takes over.
And he devours everything inside the freezer. As if he hasn't eaten in ages, Kaneki eats away and eats without stopping. A ghoul needs one body a month to survive but Kaneki is what most would call "Binge eater" : he can eat and will eat a lot more than he actually needs because he always starves himself until the last moment.
And when he eats that pain is quickly replaced with intense pleasure, the kind that could easily explain why ghouls get addicted to eating and why ghouls often don't stop themselves when they start. It's a pleasure humans can't feel or compare; it's not sexual pleasure, but it matches the intensity and the endorphins released, if not even more than sex.
Soon Kaneki is moaning while he stuffs his mouth, even eating the meat frozen, drinking the blood bags he got from spoons, and making an overall huge mess. He loses himself to that pleasure and just munches away, now following instinct alone and not thinking of anything else but that pleasure and how the pain is now long gone thanks to it.]
(Dirk was a master study of pleasure. Born outside of human society and structured norms, he had little concern or regard for typical human morality. Most of it, he thought, was kind of just a lot of judgy bullshit that kept repeating itself through different religions and philosophical movements. So when something struck someone as pleasurable, who the hell was he to judge?
Murder wasn't a deal breaker either. People died one way or another and the only time he would ever think twice about that shit would be if he knew someone. He didn't have a gentle nature - regardless of how sweet he was with Kaneki. It was the closest to kind Dirk Strider knew how to be. So no, he never thought badly of Ken needing to eat people to survive. Truthfully, he wish he ate more, knew how it was unhealthy for his boyfriend to not eat regularly.
But they were making progress. He never looked twice at Ken when he ate, never gave anything away. But in their link? Ken could feel how unbothered Dirk was. How Dirk sincerely didn't find it disgusting or evil or anything. He just wanted Ken to be healthy. To be okay.
So when he wakes up in the dead of night, his body overwhelmed with a pleasure unlike anything he's ever felt before, he just kind of knows. He had felt it in trickles before when Ken had eaten, but never like this. It wasn't like sex at all, no. It was deeper than that somehow. It made his entire mouth grow wet and he slid his thighs together, his hands sliding up over his face so he could cover his mouth.
It was like having an awful craving then getting that thing exactly right in the best way possible. Like hitting the right spot but infinitely more satisfying. Like a deep tissue massage that relaxed you on impact. Like fingers running through your hair and sending a melting shiver down your spine. Like the soft, tight heat of Ken's body whenever Dirk pumped in and out of him.
It was so fucking good. He can feel that release of pain too, the relief of filling a naggingly empty stomach, and he floats out of bed and goes to Ken. There's a thin line red gleaming in the dark that he doesn't even notice right away, too consumed by the pleasure, and soon he's standing just outside of the fridge and peers in. He doesn't have his glasses on. He had just left the bed as is, thin t-shirt, boxer briefs, and his hair rumpled in a way he'd never be caught dead in public, but he allowed Ken to see...Sometimes.
Right now, none of that matters. Right now, all he can do is watch his boyfriend feast on flesh and he feels a pang of...Not pity, exactly, but something like it, a hurt that his boyfriend neglected himself so thoroughly of this pleasure - and for what? His gaze softens and he rests his hand on the inside of the fridge, not sure if he should stop him, not sure if he wants to. Not only for Ken's sake to feed...But for his own. Dirk was a goddamn glutton.
His whipped tail unfurls and his horns seem to grow. The whites of his eyes turn black, and soon, all that remains is a sharp, vivid orange glow.)
...I like feeling you like this. (Softly. To break up the noise of flesh being consumed.)
[ the act of eating can be seen as sexual by many ghouls; pleasure is pleasure is pleasure is pleasure... And sometimes it's hard to tell the different kind of pleasures. Some ghouls would see it as sexual and that's no surprise. Kaneki's human concept of pleasure doesn't allow him to feel it like sex, but if he had to describe it, "as good as" would be the closest to all the pleasure he is feeling right now.
Another moan leaves his throat when Kaneki drinks a whole bag of blood, ignoring the waste that drops down his chin and neck and covers his clothes in red. The half-ghoul feels electricity down his spine and with a sharp jerk of his body, he drops the bag to grab another piece of meat-
And then he hears Dirk.
While lost in pleasure and hunger, the intoxicating smell filling his nostrils, Kaneki didn't even realize his boyfriend was there, staring at him.
And he doesn't even realize who it is, at first. His hands instinctively bring the flesh closer to himself, as if he doesn't wish to share, and a low growl escapes him until he finally meets Dirk's orange eyes. When their eyes meet, Kaneki realizes who it is, and his senses return. He stares back at Dirk speechless and unsure what to do, but when his eyes look down at his own hands, the whole situation sinks in and Kaneki realizes how it all looks.
With a gasp, he releases his meal and moves away from it, quickly looking up back at Dirk. He still doesn't know what to say, but he remembers to close their link, realizing he had forgotten about it.]
D-dirk... [ what does he say? What can you say when you are covered in blood and were found eating human flesh like a pig?]
I'm sorry, I forgot- [ about the link] I didn't want you to- [ to see it. To feel it.
Ken tries to clean away his mouth but ends up only smearing more blood since his hands are covered in it. ]
[ he knows his boyfriend doesn't feel disgusted. He knows his boyfriend isn't afraid. He knows he doesn't mind. He knows he doesn't hate Kaneki and what he is doing. But Kaneki's self-hatred for all of it doesn't go away so easily. So Ken lowers his head a little, staring at his own hands; he could have avoided this if he just ate when needed instead of starving himself. If only he just stopped being so unsure of everything]
(Being abruptly closed out of their link sucked, but Dirk doesn't take it personally like he might have at the beginning of everything. He realizes why he's being closed out. Even without the link, he would have realized why Kaneki was panicking over being caught indulging in a late-night binge.
For once, Dirk is not entirely sure if his touch would be welcome. This was uncharted territory, but Dirk had never been wary about the great unknowns in life. He planned to become an expert in Kaneki Ken and that meant understanding how to deal with situations like this. It probably wasn't going to be the last time this happened.
He squats down and rests his elbows on his knees. Puts himself at Ken's level, but not encroaching on him. Maybe it's wrong to treat his own boyfriend like an animal, but it felt like a safe natural choice. Make himself smaller, less threatening, and relaxed in his stance.)
You don't need to apologize to me about anything. Least of all this, Ken.
(He gazes at his boyfriend and then he moves. He shifts to kneel in front of Kaneki and peels his own t-shirt off. He reaches out and gently rubs the shirt over Kaneki's hands. Not that a shirt would do much shit with blood, but it was the gesture that counted, he figured.)
It really does feel good, doesn't it? I ain't never felt something like that before.
[ Kaneki stays still, still unsure of what to say or what to think. His stomach his full, but honestly his mind is empty and he can't process things. Were this anyone else, Kaneki would have been terrified, scared to let them see, afraid it was too much for them, afraid they'd be afraid of him. Not that they shouldn't, of course it's only normal.
But Dirk is not afraid of him in any form. He accepts Kaneki completely, but to be accepted to this extent is not something Kaneki planned for, even if he constantly hears it and feels it from his boyfriend and their link to one another.
He doesn't move when Dirk comes closer, but Kaneki glances down at his shirt covering his bloodied hands, and after a pause, kaneki finally looks back at the other ]
... what a terrible thing it is. To feel pleasure from something like that. Sometimes I wonder, how all ghouls in my world have not gone mad. [ how do ghouls such a Touka-chan or Hinami-chan live with this feeling all their lives and don't give into it.
He brings Dirk's shirt closer to nuzzle it. It will leave blood stains, but Kaneki takes a deep breath as he finally allows the link to open again. The feeling of pleasure is still there, that sweetness still fills Kaneki's mouth and stomach, and it's like he has been wrapped in all of it ]
I do this to myself. I know I can't eat anything else, and yet I still... refuse. Pretending I have another option, when I don't. [ kaneki is a coward. He knows that. He is so afraid of the pleasure that he'd rather starve himself, which can't happen or he might end up hurting people he loves, like he did before. There is only one thing that Kaneki has to do. He can't fight it and he knows, he knows, he knows, he knows. ]
I'm pathetic. I cry about it and then raid the whole freezer like a hungry animal. Like her. [ Like Rize-san. The true binge eater, the one Kaneki still sees in the shadows when he goes hungry, and the one who lives inside of him. Kaneki prefers to believe Rize is his ghoul part, but he is aware that is just escapism. In the end, he is himself, and no one else is to blame but himself.
A pause follows and it goes longer than what Kaneki expected, until he finally says it: ]
I will start eating with you. [ regular meals, from now on. No more raiding the freezer. ]
(Dirk knew that blank, empty look. It was one he had worn more times than he knew how to count. Days stacked into weeks stacked into months. Once he knows that he can touch his boyfriend, he slides a gentle hand against the side of his face and briefly leans in to kiss his forehead. He didn't try to pry into their link.
He would let Ken open it back up when he was ready.)
Mm. (He had his own ideas about pleasure, ideas he knew Kaneki knew. Dirk believed in gluttony - though within control. To be unhinged like this because of neglect...That wasn't good for anyone.)
There is this odd thing about the human mind where the more we deny ourselves the things we truly desire, the more that desire has control over us than we have control over it.
(He knew Kaneki was a ghoul, sure, but he still had the mind of a human.)
Everything boils down to control. Every time.
(When that link opens, Dirk doesn't rush him. Instead, he opens his own link up like the breadth of arms. He doesn't try to influence that pleasure he feels. Instead, he lays himself around in, wrapping Kaneki up through their link in that easy, effortless love between them. No fear. No judgment. Crisp, open sincere acceptance of what their shared reality was. It was no good to Dirk. Nor was it evil. It simply was a facet.)
Shh. (He can feel that self-hatred. Shit, even without the link, he would have understood.)
You are not like her. You're not like anyone in the universe except for you.
(He moves closer finally, shifting to cradle his arm around Kaneki and pull him towards his chest. He reaches his other hand up to tuck Kaneki's head right against him if he allowed it. After figuring out about Kaneki's fondness for his chest, it had become a bit of a habit for Dirk to cradle him there. In their better moods, to tease Kaneki. But in moments like this? It's just simple comfort. Somewhere close to his heart.)
Darlin'...You are hungry. You have been hungry since we arrived in Folkmore. You've been hungry since you became a ghoul. (He presses his face against the top of Kaneki's head, closing his eyes.)
We're all animals. Even those of us who wish we were above our basic biology.
(He's quiet after Kaneki promises to eat with him. He's glad for it, and he has been hoping for it for a while now, but there's more...He softly clears his throat and moves again. This time, it's to sit down properly so he could hold Kaneki against him.)
Dunno if I ever told you this, but I used to think I was an android. When I was a child. It was...difficult growing up how I did. Media only went so far. I thought I was a little mechanical boy with synthetic skin that my brother made and plopped in the middle of the ocean as a way to safeguard some sort of legacy for himself.
(It was the reality Dirk had stitched into his own mind forever.)
Didn't help that...I don't exactly process things in a standard way. Then one day I cut myself open real bad on some metal and there was all this...red dripping out of me. I was so fuckin' confused cause I knew the color of oil. Then came the pain. Real pain. Not stub-your-toe kinda pain. It's the scar down on my ankle. It was a bad cut.
(He sighs.) Reoriented my whole fuckin' world. I remember feeling so confused for so long because of that shit, and then as I got to know people, I knew I was still different.
Thing is though none of that shit mattered. Fuck, okay. I'm...goin' on and on, I know. It's just...I spent the first few years of my cognitive life actively denying what I was. Even if it was just sheer ignorance, I didn't have any real reason to think I was a fuckin' android. I got hungry like a normal kid. I just would pretend my food was fuel or whatever. Lived off the bare minimum too.
(He rolls a small shrug.) At the end of the day though? Turns out I was an animal too. Wasn't my brother's influence. It was just the fuckin' truth.
You're an animal. I'm an animal. She was an animal. The difference between all of us is what we do with those instincts. She decided to lose control and become a fuckin' menace to society. (He slides his hand into Kaneki's hair.) So far? You've chosen to try to do everything but that. I don't want you to keep starving yourself. I believe in you, Ken. I know you can take control of this. If it takes some time and some bad binges like this, then fine, that's what it takes. But you're not doin' it alone and I'll be there right by your side, okay? I want you to be healthy. And I want you to feel in control of yourself.
[ Dirk was always such a surprise. In every thought kaneki had before about having someone, growing a relationship, getting a lover, never Kaneki had accounted for a surprise like Dirk. Someone who sees him from inside, hears him always, and feels him completely. Someone who somehow just sees through him and within him and leaves no stone unturned, leaves no corner a mystery - and despite all that knowledge, he is still there, staring at kaneki and just loving him.
What a surprise Dirk was. What a surprise.
With Dirk pouring his feelings into their link, Kaneki sighs and somehow his numb mind starts working again, if only to be filled with love. He accepts the loving gestures as well, resting against Dirk's chest to hear his heartbeat and be closer to him while he hears his words. Somehow, he knows what to say and Kaneki listens, paying attention to every single word because he'd rather listen to Dirk forever than to think about his own horrors.
He is right.
Kaneki has been... so hungry. All the time. Never once he got rid of that nagging sensation inside him, that sensation that told him he needed more than the bare minimum. Kaneki believed he was more human by holding back for as long as he could, but how silly is that? Dirk is right, no matter how much Kaneki denies it and pretends to be only human, he is in fact, a ghoul. Even if just half-ghoul, he still needs to accept that he has a ghoul part - and that his ghoul part can not be rejected or denied the way Ken constantly does. ]
Back home, there were other ghouls and I-- I relied on them. It was a bit unfair of me, to always expect to be saved by them. [ there is a reason why Touka-chan always acted like Kaneki was a bit of a nuisance. Because, in the end, he really was relying on her to feel good about himself, to have a ghoul taking care of Kaneki's ghoul-part and this way Kaneki could still act fully human. ]
I don't want you to go that far, I have to be able to do that much on my own. I need to do that much on my own.
But I just... [ kaneki lifts his head, looking back at his boyfriend while his hands finally reach for him, shy fingers attempt to touch Dirk's cheek even if they leave a trail of blood ] I just want you to look at me. Even when I do this. [ even when kaneki goes on a binge, he wants Dirk to still look at him like he is doing now. All kaneki wants is for Dirk not to look away in disgust because that is the one thing Kaneki could never bear. ]
Even when I feel like this. [ Intoxicated by the pleasure, elated at the feelings that rushes through his body. And when Kaneki mentions it, it becomes louder - it floods their link and the pleasure is back and Kaneki's body feels like it's on fire. Not the painful kind, but the kind that makes someone want to melt into it and drown in a indescribable pleasure.
kaneki isn't eating, no, but his body will continue to feel like this for a bit longer. It will also feel rejuvenated, as if he slept so well, and he has all the energy in the world pumping through his veins ]
(Dirk was thorough in everything he decided to hyper-fixate on. Before, he had felt like everything he did was the wrong, obsessive move. Now, he just knew sometimes that being obsessive was okay if it was with the right person. He wanted to know Kaneki because he wanted to know how to love him the way he deserved. It was more selfless than Dirk had ever really anticipated of himself. They were both a surprise to one another.)
You were new though, weren't you? Everyone's got their training wheels. So, you've got those training wheels wrenched off here. (He tips his head to look at Kaneki, brows raised. It was hard to promise that he wouldn't do what he could. It was his role as a guardian, as an aggressive class. He didn't really know how to step back and let someone flourish on their own even on a platonic level. There was a reason he came in so hard at people. Even here. He was a pusher.
Dirk doesn't mind the blood in the slightest. He gazes back at Kaneki and his face softens.)
Ken, there's literally nothin' in the fuckin' known cosmos you could do that would make me look at you any other way. (Disgust wasn't really an emotion that occupied the home of his heart.)
Especially not for just doing what comes naturally to you.
(Even if Ken hated it. Dirk could never.
That pleasure melts into Dirk and he feels a swoop through his gut. There's the guilty leak of erotic arousal that slithers through him and he has to bite down an apology. Dirk was always running on high and feeling that same thrumming energy pulsing through his boyfriend made him feel like he was vibrating at a higher frequency even more than usual.)
...Is it normal to feel...
(A beat. Is it just because it's him? Is it his attraction to Ken? Is there something about Kaneki's pleasure that's affecting him or is Ken feeling that animal drive to feed and fuck in the same sitting? Okay, no. Focus, Dirk. Focus. Be respectful.)
I'm sorry. (Because he finds the sight of Ken so freed from his own hunger and covered in blood kind of hot. It's the carnal part of Dirk who was a fighter at his core and loved the idea of fucking after something violent. That good old barbarian tradition of celebration or something. He swallows again.)
Damn, fuck. I'm sorry, Ken. (He doesn't mean to be fetishizing this situation but that wave of pleasure kind of is knocking him over...?!)
[ kaneki leans further against Dirk, their bodies now pressing together without any shame. He can still feel his heartbeat and Kaneki is sure he can hear Dirk's breathing, his pulse, his muscles moving... he can smell him too; among all the blood and flesh and how sweet and delicious they smell, kaneki can also tell his boyfriend's smell apart. He can feel his heat and how it seems to be rising.
Being hungry does not allow Kaneki to make full use of his ghoul senses, but when well fed? It's a whole new world, if kaneki just focus. And he is focused on Dirk for sure.
His eyes set on his face and kaneki breathes in, wanting to feel the smell of arousal invading his nostrils, rather than the smell of dead bodies. Dirk is inciting, very much so, and Kaneki's heighten senses let him explore that even more. Slowly he licks his boyfriend's cheek, cleaning away the trail of blood Kaneki's fingers left, and while Dirk apologizes for feeling horny from this, Kaneki just makes everything more intense by flooding their link with a type of excitement that is hard to place when someone is a human. ]
I don't know. I never did it like this -
[ He doesn't know if it's normal to feel sexual arousal. In truth, Kaneki never really felt it when eating. But it's different if Dirk is there and it's different when he is already equating this pleasure with it; it only entices Kaneki to translate his own pleasure into horniness and given his own state, he can't stop.
Kaneki crawls up to Dirk, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and moving his legs to do the same around his waist. He expects Dirk to pick him up, yes ]
Take me to bed, Dirk. [ they surely could have sex in the cellar, but Kaneki still has a preference for bed. It will be a lot less messy and there will be a lot less eaten body parts around. ]
(Never before had he had someone so intensely focused on him the way he was on them. Never before had he been so thoroughly seen, and perceived. Being licked goes straight to his cock and he actually winds up shivering. Just a little one. It's not just the slide of Kaneki's tongue, but knowing what he was cleaning up.
He's practically bowled over by that rush of excitement from Ken. His own pulse of desire grows far more pronounced. He moves automatically, before Kaneki even asks, wrapping his arms tightly around Kaneki. He could clean this up later, but for now, he just wanted to show Ken how much he wanted him, even covered in blood and after a binge.
He's picking him up naturally. Kaneki practically has him conditioned to do that whenever he wrapped around him like this. He's on his feet and moving out of the cellar. He would take Ken wherever he wanted. He floats back up into the main section of the ranch and slides through the halls and back into their bedroom.
He settles Ken into the middle of the bed, coming to settle his weight fully against Kaneki. Then he's kissing him, sliding their mouths together and chasing that curious taste of human blood in Kaneki's mouth. He's tasted his own dozens of times, but it's different knowing that this blood is from...Someone. Someone else, someone neither of them knows, and he's not bothered.
If anything, it's easy to mix up the emotions flowing back and forth between their link. He can't tell which is his pleasure, which is Kaneki's, what's the pleasure of the ghoul, and what's the pleasure of the body. It didn't matter, did it? All he did know was that it was more addictive than usual kissing Kaneki, and unexpectedly, he actually moans into the kiss, a pathetic sound he normally didn't make til he was buried deep in Ken or vice versa.)
Could never be disgusted by you. God. Fuck, you're so fucking- (Hot and perfect. So goddamn perfect for Dirk. So perfect in general.)
[ there is a bit of shame in doing this after he raided the freezer, with his face covered in blood, stomach full of flesh and guts, and Dirk tainted by the leftovers of it all. But honestly, it's hard to focus on it when kaneki feels his body burning with all the energy and pleasure, and now excitement. It's hard to focus when Dirk is aroused and he can't help but to become aroused too. It's so so hard to focus when he is drowning himself with Dirk smell, heat, touches, kisses, heart beat, and everything - everything - that Kaneki seems to now be feeling more than ever.
Dirk's lack of disgust and how he accepts Kaneki to this point makes it so hard for Ken to properly focus on the shame and instead there he is, pressed against Dirk, arms and legs wrapped around him, bodies so close, and about to drown in each other and forget everything else.
Laid on the bed, they kiss and Kaneki's hands keep Dirk in place on top of him. He kisses his boyfriend hard, tongues pressing together and the sweet taste in Kaneki's mouth is quickly replaced with Dirk's own sweet and completely addictive taste, and Ken's hands drag through the skin of the blonde's back, touching it with desire and leaving coloured blue marks as if Dirk had been clawed.
Kaneki's leg rests against the side of Dirk's body, keeping him close, keeping him on top of Ken's smaller frame, and when that kiss breaks, Kaneki gasps and drops his head back. His ghoul eye was already reacting before, but now large red veins cross Kaneki's cheek as his excitement grows and something at his lower back itches to escape. ]
Dirk- I want you, I want you- [ so badly, Kaneki almost can't stand it. His hand move to Dirk's cheek and he kisses his boyfriend again possessively, legs attempt to trap Dirk there too, but that itching sensation from Kaneki's lower back finally goes further - and three large red scaled tentacles burst out of it, violently making their way under kaneki to spread out. One stabs the bed unharmoniously right above kaneki's head, but the other two immediately wrap around Dirk, demanding he doesn't try to move away and keeping the blond in place even more possessively than Kaneki has been so far.
At least Kaneki does take a moment to pause when they come out, blinking because he just stabbed the bed ]
C-crap! Are you hurt? [ Kaneki proceeds to try and shove the tentacle close to his face. Which is a bit ridiculous because he is the one who controls them, after all - instinctively, though. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Cw: cannibalism, blood, possible violence,tentacles and eventually sex
Hunger.
Kaneki is hungry.
He has been much better about food lately. Dirk has suggested he has a little bit of food here and there while they watch a movie or are distracted with something else, as if it's just a natural thing. That has helped Kaneki a lot indeed. But he still starves himself and still waits until he feels that blinding pain to know he can't hold back anymore and must eat.
Kaneki crawls out of his and Dirk's bed, not even thinking about if Dirk is besides him or not and, forgetting to turn off the psychic link between the two, he heads immediately towards the cellar where he keeps the freezer full of food. Food that he got from spoons, food thay would look like normal meat to the untrained eye, but ultimately food that only ghouls can eat. Kaneki is very aware of what it is, but tonight he forgets it all while the pain takes over.
And he devours everything inside the freezer. As if he hasn't eaten in ages, Kaneki eats away and eats without stopping. A ghoul needs one body a month to survive but Kaneki is what most would call "Binge eater" : he can eat and will eat a lot more than he actually needs because he always starves himself until the last moment.
And when he eats that pain is quickly replaced with intense pleasure, the kind that could easily explain why ghouls get addicted to eating and why ghouls often don't stop themselves when they start. It's a pleasure humans can't feel or compare; it's not sexual pleasure, but it matches the intensity and the endorphins released, if not even more than sex.
Soon Kaneki is moaning while he stuffs his mouth, even eating the meat frozen, drinking the blood bags he got from spoons, and making an overall huge mess. He loses himself to that pleasure and just munches away, now following instinct alone and not thinking of anything else but that pleasure and how the pain is now long gone thanks to it.]
no subject
Murder wasn't a deal breaker either. People died one way or another and the only time he would ever think twice about that shit would be if he knew someone. He didn't have a gentle nature - regardless of how sweet he was with Kaneki. It was the closest to kind Dirk Strider knew how to be. So no, he never thought badly of Ken needing to eat people to survive. Truthfully, he wish he ate more, knew how it was unhealthy for his boyfriend to not eat regularly.
But they were making progress. He never looked twice at Ken when he ate, never gave anything away. But in their link? Ken could feel how unbothered Dirk was. How Dirk sincerely didn't find it disgusting or evil or anything. He just wanted Ken to be healthy. To be okay.
So when he wakes up in the dead of night, his body overwhelmed with a pleasure unlike anything he's ever felt before, he just kind of knows. He had felt it in trickles before when Ken had eaten, but never like this. It wasn't like sex at all, no. It was deeper than that somehow. It made his entire mouth grow wet and he slid his thighs together, his hands sliding up over his face so he could cover his mouth.
It was like having an awful craving then getting that thing exactly right in the best way possible. Like hitting the right spot but infinitely more satisfying. Like a deep tissue massage that relaxed you on impact. Like fingers running through your hair and sending a melting shiver down your spine. Like the soft, tight heat of Ken's body whenever Dirk pumped in and out of him.
It was so fucking good. He can feel that release of pain too, the relief of filling a naggingly empty stomach, and he floats out of bed and goes to Ken. There's a thin line red gleaming in the dark that he doesn't even notice right away, too consumed by the pleasure, and soon he's standing just outside of the fridge and peers in. He doesn't have his glasses on. He had just left the bed as is, thin t-shirt, boxer briefs, and his hair rumpled in a way he'd never be caught dead in public, but he allowed Ken to see...Sometimes.
Right now, none of that matters. Right now, all he can do is watch his boyfriend feast on flesh and he feels a pang of...Not pity, exactly, but something like it, a hurt that his boyfriend neglected himself so thoroughly of this pleasure - and for what? His gaze softens and he rests his hand on the inside of the fridge, not sure if he should stop him, not sure if he wants to. Not only for Ken's sake to feed...But for his own. Dirk was a goddamn glutton.
His whipped tail unfurls and his horns seem to grow. The whites of his eyes turn black, and soon, all that remains is a sharp, vivid orange glow.)
...I like feeling you like this. (Softly. To break up the noise of flesh being consumed.)
no subject
Another moan leaves his throat when Kaneki drinks a whole bag of blood, ignoring the waste that drops down his chin and neck and covers his clothes in red. The half-ghoul feels electricity down his spine and with a sharp jerk of his body, he drops the bag to grab another piece of meat-
And then he hears Dirk.
While lost in pleasure and hunger, the intoxicating smell filling his nostrils, Kaneki didn't even realize his boyfriend was there, staring at him.
And he doesn't even realize who it is, at first. His hands instinctively bring the flesh closer to himself, as if he doesn't wish to share, and a low growl escapes him until he finally meets Dirk's orange eyes. When their eyes meet, Kaneki realizes who it is, and his senses return. He stares back at Dirk speechless and unsure what to do, but when his eyes look down at his own hands, the whole situation sinks in and Kaneki realizes how it all looks.
With a gasp, he releases his meal and moves away from it, quickly looking up back at Dirk. He still doesn't know what to say, but he remembers to close their link, realizing he had forgotten about it.]
D-dirk... [ what does he say? What can you say when you are covered in blood and were found eating human flesh like a pig?]
I'm sorry, I forgot- [ about the link] I didn't want you to- [ to see it. To feel it.
Ken tries to clean away his mouth but ends up only smearing more blood since his hands are covered in it. ]
[ he knows his boyfriend doesn't feel disgusted. He knows his boyfriend isn't afraid. He knows he doesn't mind. He knows he doesn't hate Kaneki and what he is doing. But Kaneki's self-hatred for all of it doesn't go away so easily. So Ken lowers his head a little, staring at his own hands; he could have avoided this if he just ate when needed instead of starving himself. If only he just stopped being so unsure of everything]
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(Being abruptly closed out of their link sucked, but Dirk doesn't take it personally like he might have at the beginning of everything. He realizes why he's being closed out. Even without the link, he would have realized why Kaneki was panicking over being caught indulging in a late-night binge.
For once, Dirk is not entirely sure if his touch would be welcome. This was uncharted territory, but Dirk had never been wary about the great unknowns in life. He planned to become an expert in Kaneki Ken and that meant understanding how to deal with situations like this. It probably wasn't going to be the last time this happened.
He squats down and rests his elbows on his knees. Puts himself at Ken's level, but not encroaching on him. Maybe it's wrong to treat his own boyfriend like an animal, but it felt like a safe natural choice. Make himself smaller, less threatening, and relaxed in his stance.)
You don't need to apologize to me about anything. Least of all this, Ken.
(He gazes at his boyfriend and then he moves. He shifts to kneel in front of Kaneki and peels his own t-shirt off. He reaches out and gently rubs the shirt over Kaneki's hands. Not that a shirt would do much shit with blood, but it was the gesture that counted, he figured.)
It really does feel good, doesn't it? I ain't never felt something like that before.
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But Dirk is not afraid of him in any form. He accepts Kaneki completely, but to be accepted to this extent is not something Kaneki planned for, even if he constantly hears it and feels it from his boyfriend and their link to one another.
He doesn't move when Dirk comes closer, but Kaneki glances down at his shirt covering his bloodied hands, and after a pause, kaneki finally looks back at the other ]
... what a terrible thing it is. To feel pleasure from something like that. Sometimes I wonder, how all ghouls in my world have not gone mad. [ how do ghouls such a Touka-chan or Hinami-chan live with this feeling all their lives and don't give into it.
He brings Dirk's shirt closer to nuzzle it. It will leave blood stains, but Kaneki takes a deep breath as he finally allows the link to open again. The feeling of pleasure is still there, that sweetness still fills Kaneki's mouth and stomach, and it's like he has been wrapped in all of it ]
I do this to myself. I know I can't eat anything else, and yet I still... refuse. Pretending I have another option, when I don't. [ kaneki is a coward. He knows that. He is so afraid of the pleasure that he'd rather starve himself, which can't happen or he might end up hurting people he loves, like he did before. There is only one thing that Kaneki has to do. He can't fight it and he knows, he knows, he knows, he knows. ]
I'm pathetic. I cry about it and then raid the whole freezer like a hungry animal. Like her. [ Like Rize-san. The true binge eater, the one Kaneki still sees in the shadows when he goes hungry, and the one who lives inside of him. Kaneki prefers to believe Rize is his ghoul part, but he is aware that is just escapism. In the end, he is himself, and no one else is to blame but himself.
A pause follows and it goes longer than what Kaneki expected, until he finally says it: ]
I will start eating with you. [ regular meals, from now on. No more raiding the freezer. ]
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He would let Ken open it back up when he was ready.)
Mm. (He had his own ideas about pleasure, ideas he knew Kaneki knew. Dirk believed in gluttony - though within control. To be unhinged like this because of neglect...That wasn't good for anyone.)
There is this odd thing about the human mind where the more we deny ourselves the things we truly desire, the more that desire has control over us than we have control over it.
(He knew Kaneki was a ghoul, sure, but he still had the mind of a human.)
Everything boils down to control. Every time.
(When that link opens, Dirk doesn't rush him. Instead, he opens his own link up like the breadth of arms. He doesn't try to influence that pleasure he feels. Instead, he lays himself around in, wrapping Kaneki up through their link in that easy, effortless love between them. No fear. No judgment. Crisp, open sincere acceptance of what their shared reality was. It was no good to Dirk. Nor was it evil. It simply was a facet.)
Shh. (He can feel that self-hatred. Shit, even without the link, he would have understood.)
You are not like her. You're not like anyone in the universe except for you.
(He moves closer finally, shifting to cradle his arm around Kaneki and pull him towards his chest. He reaches his other hand up to tuck Kaneki's head right against him if he allowed it. After figuring out about Kaneki's fondness for his chest, it had become a bit of a habit for Dirk to cradle him there. In their better moods, to tease Kaneki. But in moments like this? It's just simple comfort. Somewhere close to his heart.)
Darlin'...You are hungry. You have been hungry since we arrived in Folkmore. You've been hungry since you became a ghoul. (He presses his face against the top of Kaneki's head, closing his eyes.)
We're all animals. Even those of us who wish we were above our basic biology.
(He's quiet after Kaneki promises to eat with him. He's glad for it, and he has been hoping for it for a while now, but there's more...He softly clears his throat and moves again. This time, it's to sit down properly so he could hold Kaneki against him.)
Dunno if I ever told you this, but I used to think I was an android. When I was a child. It was...difficult growing up how I did. Media only went so far. I thought I was a little mechanical boy with synthetic skin that my brother made and plopped in the middle of the ocean as a way to safeguard some sort of legacy for himself.
(It was the reality Dirk had stitched into his own mind forever.)
Didn't help that...I don't exactly process things in a standard way. Then one day I cut myself open real bad on some metal and there was all this...red dripping out of me. I was so fuckin' confused cause I knew the color of oil. Then came the pain. Real pain. Not stub-your-toe kinda pain. It's the scar down on my ankle. It was a bad cut.
(He sighs.) Reoriented my whole fuckin' world. I remember feeling so confused for so long because of that shit, and then as I got to know people, I knew I was still different.
Thing is though none of that shit mattered. Fuck, okay. I'm...goin' on and on, I know. It's just...I spent the first few years of my cognitive life actively denying what I was. Even if it was just sheer ignorance, I didn't have any real reason to think I was a fuckin' android. I got hungry like a normal kid. I just would pretend my food was fuel or whatever. Lived off the bare minimum too.
(He rolls a small shrug.) At the end of the day though? Turns out I was an animal too. Wasn't my brother's influence. It was just the fuckin' truth.
You're an animal. I'm an animal. She was an animal. The difference between all of us is what we do with those instincts. She decided to lose control and become a fuckin' menace to society. (He slides his hand into Kaneki's hair.) So far? You've chosen to try to do everything but that. I don't want you to keep starving yourself. I believe in you, Ken. I know you can take control of this. If it takes some time and some bad binges like this, then fine, that's what it takes. But you're not doin' it alone and I'll be there right by your side, okay? I want you to be healthy. And I want you to feel in control of yourself.
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What a surprise Dirk was. What a surprise.
With Dirk pouring his feelings into their link, Kaneki sighs and somehow his numb mind starts working again, if only to be filled with love. He accepts the loving gestures as well, resting against Dirk's chest to hear his heartbeat and be closer to him while he hears his words. Somehow, he knows what to say and Kaneki listens, paying attention to every single word because he'd rather listen to Dirk forever than to think about his own horrors.
He is right.
Kaneki has been... so hungry. All the time. Never once he got rid of that nagging sensation inside him, that sensation that told him he needed more than the bare minimum. Kaneki believed he was more human by holding back for as long as he could, but how silly is that? Dirk is right, no matter how much Kaneki denies it and pretends to be only human, he is in fact, a ghoul. Even if just half-ghoul, he still needs to accept that he has a ghoul part - and that his ghoul part can not be rejected or denied the way Ken constantly does. ]
Back home, there were other ghouls and I-- I relied on them. It was a bit unfair of me, to always expect to be saved by them. [ there is a reason why Touka-chan always acted like Kaneki was a bit of a nuisance. Because, in the end, he really was relying on her to feel good about himself, to have a ghoul taking care of Kaneki's ghoul-part and this way Kaneki could still act fully human. ]
I don't want you to go that far, I have to be able to do that much on my own. I need to do that much on my own.
But I just... [ kaneki lifts his head, looking back at his boyfriend while his hands finally reach for him, shy fingers attempt to touch Dirk's cheek even if they leave a trail of blood ] I just want you to look at me. Even when I do this. [ even when kaneki goes on a binge, he wants Dirk to still look at him like he is doing now. All kaneki wants is for Dirk not to look away in disgust because that is the one thing Kaneki could never bear. ]
Even when I feel like this. [ Intoxicated by the pleasure, elated at the feelings that rushes through his body. And when Kaneki mentions it, it becomes louder - it floods their link and the pleasure is back and Kaneki's body feels like it's on fire. Not the painful kind, but the kind that makes someone want to melt into it and drown in a indescribable pleasure.
kaneki isn't eating, no, but his body will continue to feel like this for a bit longer. It will also feel rejuvenated, as if he slept so well, and he has all the energy in the world pumping through his veins ]
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You were new though, weren't you? Everyone's got their training wheels. So, you've got those training wheels wrenched off here. (He tips his head to look at Kaneki, brows raised. It was hard to promise that he wouldn't do what he could. It was his role as a guardian, as an aggressive class. He didn't really know how to step back and let someone flourish on their own even on a platonic level. There was a reason he came in so hard at people. Even here. He was a pusher.
Dirk doesn't mind the blood in the slightest. He gazes back at Kaneki and his face softens.)
Ken, there's literally nothin' in the fuckin' known cosmos you could do that would make me look at you any other way. (Disgust wasn't really an emotion that occupied the home of his heart.)
Especially not for just doing what comes naturally to you.
(Even if Ken hated it. Dirk could never.
That pleasure melts into Dirk and he feels a swoop through his gut. There's the guilty leak of erotic arousal that slithers through him and he has to bite down an apology. Dirk was always running on high and feeling that same thrumming energy pulsing through his boyfriend made him feel like he was vibrating at a higher frequency even more than usual.)
...Is it normal to feel...
(A beat. Is it just because it's him? Is it his attraction to Ken? Is there something about Kaneki's pleasure that's affecting him or is Ken feeling that animal drive to feed and fuck in the same sitting? Okay, no. Focus, Dirk. Focus. Be respectful.)
I'm sorry. (Because he finds the sight of Ken so freed from his own hunger and covered in blood kind of hot. It's the carnal part of Dirk who was a fighter at his core and loved the idea of fucking after something violent. That good old barbarian tradition of celebration or something. He swallows again.)
Damn, fuck. I'm sorry, Ken. (He doesn't mean to be fetishizing this situation but that wave of pleasure kind of is knocking him over...?!)
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Being hungry does not allow Kaneki to make full use of his ghoul senses, but when well fed? It's a whole new world, if kaneki just focus. And he is focused on Dirk for sure.
His eyes set on his face and kaneki breathes in, wanting to feel the smell of arousal invading his nostrils, rather than the smell of dead bodies. Dirk is inciting, very much so, and Kaneki's heighten senses let him explore that even more. Slowly he licks his boyfriend's cheek, cleaning away the trail of blood Kaneki's fingers left, and while Dirk apologizes for feeling horny from this, Kaneki just makes everything more intense by flooding their link with a type of excitement that is hard to place when someone is a human. ]
I don't know. I never did it like this -
[ He doesn't know if it's normal to feel sexual arousal. In truth, Kaneki never really felt it when eating. But it's different if Dirk is there and it's different when he is already equating this pleasure with it; it only entices Kaneki to translate his own pleasure into horniness and given his own state, he can't stop.
Kaneki crawls up to Dirk, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and moving his legs to do the same around his waist. He expects Dirk to pick him up, yes ]
Take me to bed, Dirk. [ they surely could have sex in the cellar, but Kaneki still has a preference for bed. It will be a lot less messy and there will be a lot less eaten body parts around. ]
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He's practically bowled over by that rush of excitement from Ken. His own pulse of desire grows far more pronounced. He moves automatically, before Kaneki even asks, wrapping his arms tightly around Kaneki. He could clean this up later, but for now, he just wanted to show Ken how much he wanted him, even covered in blood and after a binge.
He's picking him up naturally. Kaneki practically has him conditioned to do that whenever he wrapped around him like this. He's on his feet and moving out of the cellar. He would take Ken wherever he wanted. He floats back up into the main section of the ranch and slides through the halls and back into their bedroom.
He settles Ken into the middle of the bed, coming to settle his weight fully against Kaneki. Then he's kissing him, sliding their mouths together and chasing that curious taste of human blood in Kaneki's mouth. He's tasted his own dozens of times, but it's different knowing that this blood is from...Someone. Someone else, someone neither of them knows, and he's not bothered.
If anything, it's easy to mix up the emotions flowing back and forth between their link. He can't tell which is his pleasure, which is Kaneki's, what's the pleasure of the ghoul, and what's the pleasure of the body. It didn't matter, did it? All he did know was that it was more addictive than usual kissing Kaneki, and unexpectedly, he actually moans into the kiss, a pathetic sound he normally didn't make til he was buried deep in Ken or vice versa.)
Could never be disgusted by you. God. Fuck, you're so fucking- (Hot and perfect. So goddamn perfect for Dirk. So perfect in general.)
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Dirk's lack of disgust and how he accepts Kaneki to this point makes it so hard for Ken to properly focus on the shame and instead there he is, pressed against Dirk, arms and legs wrapped around him, bodies so close, and about to drown in each other and forget everything else.
Laid on the bed, they kiss and Kaneki's hands keep Dirk in place on top of him. He kisses his boyfriend hard, tongues pressing together and the sweet taste in Kaneki's mouth is quickly replaced with Dirk's own sweet and completely addictive taste, and Ken's hands drag through the skin of the blonde's back, touching it with desire and leaving coloured blue marks as if Dirk had been clawed.
Kaneki's leg rests against the side of Dirk's body, keeping him close, keeping him on top of Ken's smaller frame, and when that kiss breaks, Kaneki gasps and drops his head back. His ghoul eye was already reacting before, but now large red veins cross Kaneki's cheek as his excitement grows and something at his lower back itches to escape. ]
Dirk- I want you, I want you- [ so badly, Kaneki almost can't stand it. His hand move to Dirk's cheek and he kisses his boyfriend again possessively, legs attempt to trap Dirk there too, but that itching sensation from Kaneki's lower back finally goes further - and three large red scaled tentacles burst out of it, violently making their way under kaneki to spread out. One stabs the bed unharmoniously right above kaneki's head, but the other two immediately wrap around Dirk, demanding he doesn't try to move away and keeping the blond in place even more possessively than Kaneki has been so far.
At least Kaneki does take a moment to pause when they come out, blinking because he just stabbed the bed ]
C-crap! Are you hurt? [ Kaneki proceeds to try and shove the tentacle close to his face. Which is a bit ridiculous because he is the one who controls them, after all - instinctively, though. ]