[ He's still sniffling when he picks up, his voice rough. ]
Ah, I ...
[ A hiccup. He had been sobbing so hard he hadn't been taking in air properly. ]
... Dirk. What if the lightning happens again? Or something like it? If I ever cheated on them ... I couldn't live with myself anymore ... ! They're so good. So perfect. And I ...
(He doesn't actually know if it is okay...It just seemed like a good way to start things.
Then he realizes what this is all about and he's moving off into a quiet part of his own home. He closes his link to Ken - not out of fear of him overhearing anything, but out of respect for Junpei more than anything.)
Shhh. Hey, man. I get it. I worry about that shit all the fuckin' time too. If it happens again, contact them immediately. Before you didn't have any boyfriends and you didn't have a crush. You didn't have anyone to hone in on, you know? You won't cheat.
...Holy shit. Did he get killed for it? I bet he got fucking murdered.
(Dirk knew trolls enough to know how well infidelity ended for most of them. At the very least, Kyle probably got maimed over the whole incident...
Shit, none of that matters.)
Okay, listen. I love Kyle, like, seriously. One of the best friends I've ever had. But he's not as mature as he likes people to think. That dude's got fuckin' issues. I'm not gonna sit here and psychologically expose him or whatever. Just...He was just as desperate as you and me but in a completely different way. And I don't think you can necessarily measure yourself up against someone else's mistake. You ain't Kyle.
[ Sniffle. At the very least the talk seems to be bringing him down a little. ]
But it was totally because of whatever was in the food at the ball. I ... I ate a whole tray of lettuce.
[ He had then proceeded only to have a totally innocent dance with Yuji before flirting with ... his own boyfriends. But ... ]
There were so many people there. And ... and I'm ...
[ In a constant state of heat. Not something he brought up since he'd gotten used to it being his every day. But it was always there, tingling and tickling just under the surface. If he was in his right mind he could control it for the most part, only being truly open with Choso and Natsume.
(He wouldn't be surprised if there was a second murder. Especially with the whole duality theme there. He doesn't push the subject beyond that, instead listening to Junpei.
Then...yeah.
He knew what he was like. He knew what kind of toy he had built specifically for Junpei's needs before he got with his boyfriends.)
Yeah. I know. (Soft again, and then he sighs.)
I worry about it too sometimes. Especially with my myth bullshit. (He leans back and rests his head against the wall behind him.)
Maybe we could keep each other on track. Make a promise or some shit. I know that sounds fuckin' lame and like it won't do shit, but...Sometimes having those mantras we repeat to ourselves and having someone who holds us accountable can help.
I get that it's probably what you would want emotionally, but you know that wouldn't be what Nat or Choso would want.
(He exhales slowly and the fucked up thing is he understood why Junpei would want that. It's what Dirk would want for himself if he ever did that kind of thing to Ken.)
Listen, man...At some point, you gotta...(There's some shifting around on his end and then another soft sigh.)
Part of loving someone, genuinely loving them, is actually trusting them with your heart. That means trusting them with all of the most fucked up parts of you. We can hate ourselves as much as we want, but at the end of the day, it's unfair to try and omit that shit from our lovers. You just gotta let them love you despite your fuck-ups and your flaws.
For what it's worth, I don't think Kyle's situation should be used to terrorize all of us for the bad what-ifs. We're all kinda different. It matters what you know you would hate to do if you were in your own right mind, right?
[ A part of Junpei knew Dirk would refuse to kill him. All the same, it was the amount of self-hatred he felt at the thought of ever hurting Natsume or Choso that way.
But he also knows Dirk is right. The both of them would be even more hurt if he were to die.
He listens to what the other has to say, mulling it over in his mind. ]
... I guess I'd just come back anyway. Kyle did. Then I'd have to see them upset that I even went through with it.
[ He sighs, a deep and pained thing. ]
I know you're right. I know it's out of my control, so I shouldn't waste time dwelling on it, but ... I wonder if I do these things because I feel guilty I'm getting comfortable.
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no subject
Ah, I ...
[ A hiccup. He had been sobbing so hard he hadn't been taking in air properly. ]
... Dirk. What if the lightning happens again? Or something like it? If I ever cheated on them ... I couldn't live with myself anymore ... ! They're so good. So perfect. And I ...
[ He's going to make himself sick. ]
no subject
(He doesn't actually know if it is okay...It just seemed like a good way to start things.
Then he realizes what this is all about and he's moving off into a quiet part of his own home. He closes his link to Ken - not out of fear of him overhearing anything, but out of respect for Junpei more than anything.)
Shhh. Hey, man. I get it. I worry about that shit all the fuckin' time too. If it happens again, contact them immediately. Before you didn't have any boyfriends and you didn't have a crush. You didn't have anyone to hone in on, you know? You won't cheat.
no subject
[ Oh, he's conflicted. He shouldn't be spreading Kyle's business. He's one of his best friends here.
Yet the information has been sitting in his gut for a few hours now, stewing, making his insides ache.
He continues in what starts as a whisper but gets shakier as he goes on. ]
... Kyle did it. Kyle cheated. A-and he's really mature. And together. And so much older. And he was really, really into this guy ...
no subject
(Okay, yeah, that's actually kind of shocking.)
...Holy shit. Did he get killed for it? I bet he got fucking murdered.
(Dirk knew trolls enough to know how well infidelity ended for most of them. At the very least, Kyle probably got maimed over the whole incident...
Shit, none of that matters.)
Okay, listen. I love Kyle, like, seriously. One of the best friends I've ever had. But he's not as mature as he likes people to think. That dude's got fuckin' issues. I'm not gonna sit here and psychologically expose him or whatever. Just...He was just as desperate as you and me but in a completely different way. And I don't think you can necessarily measure yourself up against someone else's mistake. You ain't Kyle.
no subject
[ Sniffle. At the very least the talk seems to be bringing him down a little. ]
But it was totally because of whatever was in the food at the ball. I ... I ate a whole tray of lettuce.
[ He had then proceeded only to have a totally innocent dance with Yuji before flirting with ... his own boyfriends. But ... ]
There were so many people there. And ... and I'm ...
[ In a constant state of heat. Not something he brought up since he'd gotten used to it being his every day. But it was always there, tingling and tickling just under the surface. If he was in his right mind he could control it for the most part, only being truly open with Choso and Natsume.
But what if his control switch was turned off? ]
... you know what I am.
no subject
(He wouldn't be surprised if there was a second murder. Especially with the whole duality theme there. He doesn't push the subject beyond that, instead listening to Junpei.
Then...yeah.
He knew what he was like. He knew what kind of toy he had built specifically for Junpei's needs before he got with his boyfriends.)
Yeah. I know. (Soft again, and then he sighs.)
I worry about it too sometimes. Especially with my myth bullshit. (He leans back and rests his head against the wall behind him.)
Maybe we could keep each other on track. Make a promise or some shit. I know that sounds fuckin' lame and like it won't do shit, but...Sometimes having those mantras we repeat to ourselves and having someone who holds us accountable can help.
no subject
[ Oh. His voice takes on a really, really unsettling tone. Junpei is dipping into his darkness again. ]
... if I cheat. You can kill me.
[ Junpei? What the fuck? ]
Natsume wouldn't. Choso wouldn't. They'd just forgive me and suffer in private. They're too good.
no subject
(His tone is soft, frown evident.)
I get that it's probably what you would want emotionally, but you know that wouldn't be what Nat or Choso would want.
(He exhales slowly and the fucked up thing is he understood why Junpei would want that. It's what Dirk would want for himself if he ever did that kind of thing to Ken.)
Listen, man...At some point, you gotta...(There's some shifting around on his end and then another soft sigh.)
Part of loving someone, genuinely loving them, is actually trusting them with your heart. That means trusting them with all of the most fucked up parts of you. We can hate ourselves as much as we want, but at the end of the day, it's unfair to try and omit that shit from our lovers. You just gotta let them love you despite your fuck-ups and your flaws.
For what it's worth, I don't think Kyle's situation should be used to terrorize all of us for the bad what-ifs. We're all kinda different. It matters what you know you would hate to do if you were in your own right mind, right?
no subject
But he also knows Dirk is right. The both of them would be even more hurt if he were to die.
He listens to what the other has to say, mulling it over in his mind. ]
... I guess I'd just come back anyway. Kyle did. Then I'd have to see them upset that I even went through with it.
[ He sighs, a deep and pained thing. ]
I know you're right. I know it's out of my control, so I shouldn't waste time dwelling on it, but ... I wonder if I do these things because I feel guilty I'm getting comfortable.