[ he is in for a surprise when he finds out Ghoul hybrids in fact, only live thirty or so years. Kaneki doesn't know this information but he too will not live long.
Oopsie.]
Dirk. [ Kaneki calls out to his boyfriend through their mental link as well. He is soothing as possible, tugging gently at Dirk in hopes to stop him from spiraling, and eventually he calls out again so he can fill their link with care]
There is so much waiting for us in the future. We don't know what will happen. We don't know where we will be.
Familiar and myths and our potential, it could mean so much and give us so much.
(Dirk's just sweating internally. He had spent enough of his life in isolation, but not with the heartbreak of losing his actual soulmate. He tries to pay attention to Ken in their connection, tries to hold onto that feeling.
A bit of despair spills into their link because what am I supposed to do when you're gone? Who would he call out to? He's grown used to the bond now.)
Right. Yeah, no. You're technically correct.
You're right. (He tells himself that too. Firmly. They had already defied so much. What was defying death?)
(Dirk clings to that link and the weight of his own name being called by Kaneki. He knows he's being irrational. Probably. He does the equivalent of holding Kaneki as much as he could.)
Yeah, no. You're right. That is factually true. You're making legitimate points.
Yeah. I know.
I know. I know you're right. Sorry. I guess it just feels like I just realized the catch of how lucky I've felt with you, you know?
Even if you were to leave tomorrow, I'd still be glad I've met you. And I wouldn't want to change a thing. Even if it'd hurt a lot afterwards, I'd still rather feel everything I'm feeling now.
But you wouldn't be the one left behind under these circumstances. After you, what would I even do with myself? Forever is a long time.
I know. I'm glad I have you now too, Ken. This just also coincidentally aligns with what I'd expect, so. Forgive me for struggling to romanticize the possibility.
You don't know what will happen, Dirk. I have died a couple of times here and always returned. I can now turn into a squid, will I have a small lifespan like they do?
You can turn into a squid. You aren't an actual squid. You're still a ghoul, right? You still maintain the same appetite? So as far as we know, it would be assumed that your biology remains the same even despite the adjustments of this world.
[ Kaneki smiles a little at the text. because in the end, that's really it: Dirk doesn't want to lose Kaneki and Kaneki doesn't want to lose Dirk. He doesn't want to leave him either, and he doesn't want to grow old and wrinkly while his boyfriend remains beautiful and might get tired of an old man.
But kaneki doesn't want to think about that, either. Because he is so happy, the happiest he has ever been. ]
(Luckily for Kaneki, Dirk was filthy and was just as horny over old guys as he was young guys. Who didn't want a certified DILF? Who didn't want to rattle an old man's bones? But inevitably, there was something reasonable in that concern all the same that Dirk would be empathetic towards.
Dirk's vulnerable to feelings of hopelessness and extreme pessimism. And, truthfully, he was so painfully used to being so alone in the universe that it just felt like that was inevitable. For him to wind back up alone after finding the best thing that has ever happened to him again.
It's hard not to slip into a depressive funk. Maybe if he hadn't known what it felt like to be in isolation it wouldn't hit so hard.
But before he can really spiral, Kaneki is inviting him to the library.)
Okay. Be there soon.
(He would always meet Kaneki. And despite his gloom, he wanted to see his boyfriend more than anything right now. So he's there in literal seconds, fluttering a few pages as he flash stepped through the door and into the room. He's got one of his more robotic faces on, his body stiff, everything guarded like fucking Fort Knox.)
[ kaneki is in the library, sitting on the floor against a bean bag which he was using as a pillow. There are a couple of books he tried to read before this conversation started, but they were eventually forgotten.
When he sees Dirk, kaneki smiles and his arms stretch out in his direction, inviting the blond to come towards him ]
(Despite his desire to stay stoic, it's impossible to keep up the moment he sees Kaneki. It hits him hard how badly he wanted to keep this in his life. For a second, he does nothing at all, just captures the moment exactly as it is: Ken, in his simple, effortless beauty, sitting among books as though he were born to do it.
It takes Dirk no time at all after he's buried the details in his mind to step forward. He moves down, takes his sunglasses off on the way, and winds up laying against Kaneki's bed. He wraps his arms around Ken's body and buries his face into Kaneki's chest. So much for maintaining that front!
[ kaneki smiles all through this, relief coming over him when Dirk is there, in his arms. he hugs him, brings him closer, and keeps him like that, against his chest, while his fingers stroke the blond strands of hair and he places several kisses on top of Dirk's head ]
I am scared too. [ logic doesn't always work. And sometimes, it's better to admit to it ] Scared to leave you alone, scared you will leave me. I want to spend my waking moments with you, my sleeping moments too, and my eternity.
I wish I could say the right words so your heavy heart would be lighter. But my heart is heavy too. [ a pause as Kaneki nuzzles Dirk ] All we can do is sink together with the weight.
I would never leave you. (Mumbled against Ken's chest. He squeezes him tightly, pinching his eyes shut because he was embarrassed to admit that this might actually make him cry.)
I can't fuckin'...stand the thought of it.
(There was a ball of iron in his throat and he didn't know how to swallow down around it.)
I don't want immortality if it isn't shared with you. I can't do it all again without you.
I don't know how to become immortal. Maybe I already am. [ he died several times now and he is still here. He may be dead back in his world, too., and he is still here. ]
But I don't want... to live thinking about it. Thinking about a time that may happen and I may no longer be with you. Because right now, I am the happiest I have been.
Maybe. (Or maybe it was just one of the perks to being in this place.)
...I am too. (Which is why it scared him. He can't pull away from Ken just yet, trying instead to think of what he wanted to say.)
I don't want to live thinking about it either. It's just hard right now not to think about it. I know you're right. And I'll be fuckin' fine. I'm just having a stupid existential crisis about it.
[ kaneki kisses Dirk's head again, and while two hands are great for hugging - kaneki's two centipede antennae pop out of his head and they too reach for Dirk, to touch and leave small little kisses against his cheek ]
Well. Then I will hug you and hold you until you feel better. I will recite poems until your heart feels calmer.
(He loved those little antennae. He always had, but especially now. He smiles despite the hurt in his chest and finally, he forces himself to pull up from Kaneki's chest. He brings their mouths together in a solid kiss.)
I dunno how you do it. (It's not a judgment. He rocks over so that he could rest his head against Kaneki's shoulder, his eyes sliding shut.)
Stay calm. I think maybe I just keep thinkin' back to what everything was like before.
[ by now, kaneki's eyes had also morphed and the fangs are hidden away inside his mouth - but still there, nonetheless. But that's as far as he will go with the transformation.
he smiles into the kiss and caresses his boyfriend's cheeks with his hand, before he leans back further onto the bean bag while he brings his boyfriend along ]
I don't think I'm calm. I'm scared. I always am.
but being next to you, is all I ever will want. And that helps.
(Dirk reaches his hand up, sliding his palm over the side of Kaneki's face, thumb tracing what he could feel of Kaneki's fangs through his cheeks. His own devil's tail was curling around Kaneki's leg, squeezing.)
Your fear is groundable. (It's something he admires about Kaneki. He shifts a bit so he could lean onto his elbow, gazing down at Kaneki with his eyes exposed, bright and vulnerable in a way he never bothered to be like with anyone else.)
I am always gonna enjoy what we have now while we have it. (And it's true. He was a hedonist and Kaneki was the best thing that had ever happened to him.)
But...Sometimes...It'll catch up to me. At least til we know more. If there is ever more to know.
[ kaneki parts his lips to allow his small pedipalps to come out of his mouth. kaneki moves too, so he can be close to Dirk, watching him while they speak. ]
It's alright if it does. I will do my best to ground you as well. If I can. [ he leans towards Dirk, placing a soft kiss on his lips, and finally his fangs come out of his mouth. The press against Dirk's chin and leave small little pinches along his jaw ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Oopsie.]
Dirk. [ Kaneki calls out to his boyfriend through their mental link as well. He is soothing as possible, tugging gently at Dirk in hopes to stop him from spiraling, and eventually he calls out again so he can fill their link with care]
There is so much waiting for us in the future. We don't know what will happen. We don't know where we will be.
Familiar and myths and our potential, it could mean so much and give us so much.
no subject
A bit of despair spills into their link because what am I supposed to do when you're gone? Who would he call out to? He's grown used to the bond now.)
Right. Yeah, no. You're technically correct.
You're right. (He tells himself that too. Firmly. They had already defied so much. What was defying death?)
Would you want that though? Immortality?
no subject
There are people in this place who were dead in their worlds and are alive here. Death isn't permanent here either.
Perhaps death is entirely different in this place. Perhaps immortality is too.
I don't know what it means to live forever or have thaylt in my grasp.
no subject
Yeah, no. You're right. That is factually true. You're making legitimate points.
Yeah. I know.
I know. I know you're right. Sorry. I guess it just feels like I just realized the catch of how lucky I've felt with you, you know?
no subject
Even if you were to leave tomorrow, I'd still be glad I've met you. And I wouldn't want to change a thing. Even if it'd hurt a lot afterwards, I'd still rather feel everything I'm feeling now.
That's what matters to me.
no subject
There is just a difference between the possibility of universal disruption and then inevitable mortality.
no subject
But the first can come in a flash. And the latter? Well, it will allow me to watch you grow with me.
And maybe it will be scary, maybe it will hurt. But I'm so excited for that, too.
Dirk. we don't know what will happen. Maybe there is no catch, maybe everything is a catch. But I'm still okay with all of it because I have you now.
no subject
But you wouldn't be the one left behind under these circumstances. After you, what would I even do with myself? Forever is a long time.
I know. I'm glad I have you now too, Ken. This just also coincidentally aligns with what I'd expect, so. Forgive me for struggling to romanticize the possibility.
no subject
What I'm trying to say is: we don't know.
And maybe we are forever, now that we are here.
no subject
You can turn into a squid. You aren't an actual squid. You're still a ghoul, right? You still maintain the same appetite? So as far as we know, it would be assumed that your biology remains the same even despite the adjustments of this world.
I really just don't want to lose you.
no subject
But kaneki doesn't want to think about that, either. Because he is so happy, the happiest he has ever been. ]
I'm in the library. Come and meet me?
no subject
Dirk's vulnerable to feelings of hopelessness and extreme pessimism. And, truthfully, he was so painfully used to being so alone in the universe that it just felt like that was inevitable. For him to wind back up alone after finding the best thing that has ever happened to him again.
It's hard not to slip into a depressive funk. Maybe if he hadn't known what it felt like to be in isolation it wouldn't hit so hard.
But before he can really spiral, Kaneki is inviting him to the library.)
Okay. Be there soon.
(He would always meet Kaneki. And despite his gloom, he wanted to see his boyfriend more than anything right now. So he's there in literal seconds, fluttering a few pages as he flash stepped through the door and into the room. He's got one of his more robotic faces on, his body stiff, everything guarded like fucking Fort Knox.)
Hey.
no subject
When he sees Dirk, kaneki smiles and his arms stretch out in his direction, inviting the blond to come towards him ]
Come here, sit with me.
no subject
It takes Dirk no time at all after he's buried the details in his mind to step forward. He moves down, takes his sunglasses off on the way, and winds up laying against Kaneki's bed. He wraps his arms around Ken's body and buries his face into Kaneki's chest. So much for maintaining that front!
Burying his face in Ken was easier anyway.)
no subject
I am scared too. [ logic doesn't always work. And sometimes, it's better to admit to it ] Scared to leave you alone, scared you will leave me. I want to spend my waking moments with you, my sleeping moments too, and my eternity.
I wish I could say the right words so your heavy heart would be lighter. But my heart is heavy too. [ a pause as Kaneki nuzzles Dirk ] All we can do is sink together with the weight.
no subject
I can't fuckin'...stand the thought of it.
(There was a ball of iron in his throat and he didn't know how to swallow down around it.)
I don't want immortality if it isn't shared with you. I can't do it all again without you.
no subject
But I don't want... to live thinking about it. Thinking about a time that may happen and I may no longer be with you. Because right now, I am the happiest I have been.
And that's all i want to think about.
no subject
...I am too. (Which is why it scared him. He can't pull away from Ken just yet, trying instead to think of what he wanted to say.)
I don't want to live thinking about it either. It's just hard right now not to think about it. I know you're right. And I'll be fuckin' fine. I'm just having a stupid existential crisis about it.
no subject
Well. Then I will hug you and hold you until you feel better. I will recite poems until your heart feels calmer.
no subject
I dunno how you do it. (It's not a judgment. He rocks over so that he could rest his head against Kaneki's shoulder, his eyes sliding shut.)
Stay calm. I think maybe I just keep thinkin' back to what everything was like before.
no subject
he smiles into the kiss and caresses his boyfriend's cheeks with his hand, before he leans back further onto the bean bag while he brings his boyfriend along ]
I don't think I'm calm. I'm scared. I always am.
but being next to you, is all I ever will want. And that helps.
no subject
Your fear is groundable. (It's something he admires about Kaneki. He shifts a bit so he could lean onto his elbow, gazing down at Kaneki with his eyes exposed, bright and vulnerable in a way he never bothered to be like with anyone else.)
I am always gonna enjoy what we have now while we have it. (And it's true. He was a hedonist and Kaneki was the best thing that had ever happened to him.)
But...Sometimes...It'll catch up to me. At least til we know more. If there is ever more to know.
no subject
It's alright if it does. I will do my best to ground you as well. If I can. [ he leans towards Dirk, placing a soft kiss on his lips, and finally his fangs come out of his mouth. The press against Dirk's chin and leave small little pinches along his jaw ]