[ He huffs darkly. It never felt temporary when he was assured more the next day just by existing.
But theyāre not here. The three idiots arenāt here. Ito isnāt here.
Mahito isnāt here. ]
Do you have any suggestions? Or are you just talking about the power of positive thinking? I would say time can probably help ... but how much time? At least back home there was some predictability of where danger would come from ...
[ Well, until the end. But even that he should have seen coming. ]
... so I have no idea how quickly Iāll need to change. If I can change.
I do not believe in positive thinking. I'm a realist bordering on straight-up fuckin' nihilism. (He comes to a stop and reaches out to grab Junpei's wrist to bring him to a stop as well. They can get drinks in a second.)
It's about taking charge of your own mental fortitude.
(He steps in front of Junpei and holds out both of his own palms.)
You can break one of my fingers if you want. Go ahead. (He curls his left hand into a fist except for his pinky.)
I have a limited relationship to my body. It's disposable. It's my soul that I care about and that's fractured beyond repair. This shit's just a fuckin' vessel. Go ahead. Break my finger and I won't do shit.
(He's just trying to prove a point here. Granted, in a very barbaric sort of way, but whatever.)
[ While he is incredibly cynical towards humanity, as Junpei has said to Dirk already - heās not outright cruel. It had taken an extremely traumatic experience to inspire enough raw hatred in him to kill another human being, and while Dirk has gotten under his skin enough times he doesnāt hold that much ire towards him.
He gives a horrified look to the other, shaking his head a little. ]
Hey, stop ... I donāt want to! I don't know what youāre trying to prove, but ... there has to be some other way to do it.
(That's an interesting reaction. He stops and drops his hand completely, contemplating Junpei. This guy who wanted to come across tougher than he obviously was, a dude who flinched away from violence but willingly wanted to learn more about it, but a guy who couldn't even begin to try and inflict any real pain on someone else.
At least not like this. He sighs finally, and starts to walk again.)
All right. Unclench your ass. I won't make you do it.
[ Maybe if Dirk had run into him at the height of his attack on the school, when all empathy was shoved in a closet and hogtied to allow his hatred to have control.
Even then heād only put the rest of his peers to sleep - he hadnāt been lying to his teacher when heād said theyād be okay. Only Ito was intended to die that day, but in the end Junpei was the only casualty.
When Dirk starts walking again he feels relief the matter wasnāt pressed, but also lingering uneasiness that the situation came up at all. He thought heād gotten a bead on the type of eccentric Dirk was, but clearly there were multiple layers at play here.
Heās really glad he insisted they meet in public.
When asked his age thereās hesitation in his response. He feels like heās more mature than his age indicates - but then donāt all teenagers? ]
So, you're still young. (Dirk wasn't that much older. But he was 21 and that was something. He doesn't think much about Junpei's age at all. Why would he? He grew up without society, without any real comprehension of ages being all that worthwhile when it came to the late teens and early twenties.
He's in his own head, mulling over Junpei as much as Junpei was mulling over him. Junpei was right to be wary. Even with good intentions, Dirk tended to be a nefarious sort. There was a reason he had manifested in this world as a myth.)
You still operate primarily by your amygdala rather than your frontal cortex. And you seem to be quite sensitive to negative stimuli physically and mentally...
[ This is just getting weirder by the second. What was he even supposed to say to that? Was this really the same guy whoād made a saucy joke about stepping on him?
He gives the back of Dirkās head an unimpressed look. ]
Youāre really, really confusing.
[ Before the other takes that to mean he doesnāt understand the words being said to him, the teen elaborates : ]
One minute youāre just some thirsty creep and the next youāre a college professor.
(Poor Junpei. Dirk was a fucking weirdo by a landslide and there was no chance of him ever making sense, probably. Everything was a game to this dude. He glances over at Junpei and winds up raising a brow.)
Can man not both be thirsty and intelligent? The duality of humanity should not be understated, bunny. I have a cock and I have a brain. I like to use both to think. It's twice as effective and three times as fun.
Whatās fun for you is exhausting for other people.
[ Or at least it is for him. Heād told Dirk trust was based on predictability, and right now navigating this guy was like a carnival funhouse. ]
I prefer my brain, thank you. It runs on logic.
[ The other head wasnāt totally silent - he was a teenage boy after all. But between watching his idiotic schoolmates let girls lead them around by their dicks and being afraid the bullying would worsen if it was ever discovered what his preferences were ... heād done his best to ignore his libido. Nothing good could possibly come from following it. ]
(For him. He knew he was exhausting to literally everyone he met and knew, but he liked to think he just kept everyone on their toes.
Being predictable may as well be a federal offense in his books. He knew that predictability was dangerous. He knew he had raised his brother in some other timeline to never know what to expect and, well, most certainly it had led to his brother being rather mentally fucked up. Apparently tormenting an actual child with swords and puppets wasn't the best way to raise one.
Which kind of sucked, Dirk supposed, but he also saw where Beta!Dirk was coming from too. Keep 'em on their toes. Survival of the fittest, the most clever, the most agile.)
Logic can get you killed sometimes too. Sometimes a combination of logic and instinct is what sets someone apart from the others.
(They reach a little smoothie shack. It sounded nice in the desert heat so he orders himself an orange smoothie and sits aside while Junpei picks something out for himself.)
Plus. Neglect the other head for too long and it'll bite ya in the ass one day.
[ Junpei opts for a strawberry banana concoction, quietly thanking Dirk afterwards. He can be a little sassy, but he still has some basic societal politeness ingrained into him.
Heās careful to take his time drinking it, eager for the relief from the heat but not wanting to invite brain freeze. ]
Maybe in some people it might, but I donāt think thatās true for everyone. Sex is over glorified in society.
[ Sex was a frequent enough theme even in horror movies. It was easy to think of a dozen off the top of his head where some young girl was shown barely dressed for no reason other than to titillate. It always made him roll his eyes. ]
Youāre made to think youāre a loser if youāre my age and not having it.
(Dirk didn't get to enjoy this kind of treat back in his world. He's slow with it himself, wanting to relish it rather than just suck it down. It tasted like fresh citrus.)
Is it over-glorified or simply mishandled in terms of conversations surrounding it? I wouldn't know, honestly. I wasn't raised in society, but from my studies, it seems like sex is a constant weapon that people use to shame one another with one way or another. If you're having too much sex or not enough sex or sex with the wrong people or at the wrong time...
(It's fascinating to him. He sucks down some more of his drink.)
Seems like ya'll suffer one hell of a conflict with one of nature's most basic instincts.
[ He says in that dry disenfranchised teenager way between slurps of his smoothie. It is surprisingly good, tasting like actual fresh berries and not something artificial. At the very least itās distracting him from being entirely cynical. ]
Thankfully I learned not to care what āsocietyā thought. Even if that had to happen in the most brutish way possible. I spent my last year of life doing what I wanted to do. Who knows if I ever would have survived adult life anyway ... I donāt believe in fate, but itās hard to picture myself as an adult.
[ Oh, that first comment hits a mark. Heās instantly ready to be defensive, opening his mouth to argue - but then the second observation stops his protest in his throat.
Initially, heād assumed everyone here was dead. That it was some kind of afterlife for better or for worse. Not quite punishment but not quite a reward, but more colorful and interesting than a purgatory.
But a conversation over the network quickly made him realize that wasnāt the case. Now he wondered what awaited him if he reached that full potential like he was supposed to - what could he do with it with no life to return to?
He nods in response after a minute, looking down at his lap. ]
(Dirk watches Junpei carefully. People had unique relationships with death for all kinds of reasons. What led them to death, what death was in their world, what they lost because of death, or sometimes what they gained.)
That is complicated.
(It's probably the first time since these two have spoken that Dirk drops his bravado entirely. He sounds more his age, more human, and somewhat soft. He touches the edge of the scar around his neck.)
I've died a few times. I'm technically immortal both because of the level in my powers I reached and due to the nature of my abilities. But who knows? Maybe I finally stayed permanently dead and just don't know it.
[ It hadnāt registered with Junpei what that strange neck scar implied. He dismisses the most dramatic conclusion rather quickly - that was impossible to survive, and there were non-fatal reasons one could have a neck scar like that. Maybe an especially tight device around oneās neck, for example. But when Dirk claims to have died multiple times ... ]
Another guy I spoke to said he doesnāt think heās dead. He was alive when he saw a copy of himself made like I did ... but ... if Iām dead, whatās the point of reaching my full potential now? Itās too late, isnāt it? After this place ...
[ His voice grows scared and small as he curls in on himself a little. ]
(It's reasonable of Junpei to question the scar. After all, no one could survive that. Yet Dirk was here. And since arriving, he had been decapitated once again and brought back.
He watches Junpei and maybe the guy didn't like him much but...Dirk lightly lowers his arm around Junpei's shoulders as a silent gesture of potential comfort.)
There is whatever is in this world. You aren't dead here. Mortality is not a fixed state, Junpei. Time isn't either. It won't do you any good to act like there is no hope left just because your typical life is left behind.
(He sighs, setting his drink between his legs.)
You'll move on. Figure a new life. It's not too late at all. Just sounds like you got a second chance, man.
[ Itās true heās uneasy about Dirk, but in this moment he needs the comfort. Thereās the fresh memory of how alone and scared he felt when heād found his motherās body, how suddenly he wasnāt the independent and super mature seventeen year old he fancied himself to be. He was a child who only had his mother, his only true friend in all the world. His rock. Heād clung to Mahito, desperate for comfort. Totally unaware that same person he sought solace from would be the one to end his life.
But still he doesnāt shake Dirk off remembering that. Instead he lets the arm stay while he absorbs his words. Kaneki suggesting he would make friends here resurfaces. Heād dismissed the idea. But ... was it really possible? Could he be happy here? ]
I just ... donāt know how to trust ... who to trust ... I thought I did back home and I was wrong.
[ Oh no, he feels tears welling up. He raises a hand to try and dry them before they fall. He did NOT want to cry in front of Dirk. ]
I - I should go ...
[ He gets up suddenly, feeling much too raw and exposed. ]
[ He really, really shouldnāt lower his walls for Dirk. Shouldnāt let it be like Mahito where a few simple kindnesses convinced him the other was on his side. That it was okay to be vulnerable around him, to let his weak points show.
But, he wonāt resist or try to pull away. He turns to face Dirk, brow furrowed in confusion. ]
Iām not really the athletic type ... so I havenāt given it much thought. I guess doing some things repeatedly is going to make those areas stronger?
(At least Dirk wasn't pretending to be kind. An act of kindness, he felt, did not define his character. He would never refer to himself as kind and he didn't think this was kindness.
It was honesty. When Junpei doesn't pull away, he leans forward and rests his other hand over Junpei's wrist and slides a finger up over the edge of his arm.)
Every time you work out, you get these micro-tears in your muscles. You literally pull your body apart. It's why it's so important to rest properly and not work out extensively every day. It's why you're sore after an intense workout and why athletes are so prone to injury.
(He curls his fingers around Junpei's arm.)
But then when you're less sore, you work out again, and those places heal stronger than they were before. You keep doing this again and again and that's what gives you muscle mass. A lot of pain, a lot of calculated damage that you know you can withstand.
(He lets go of Junpei.)
Life here or life back in your world will hurt. It's your choice if you want to see what you can do with that pain or if you'd rather give up before you really see what can happen.
[ That sliding finger causes a little shiver to run up his spine. He doesnāt know why, and doesnāt get to dwell on it long before heās drawn into Dirkās explanation. Mostly he pays close attention, but there are a few times he catches himself observing Dirk more than what heās saying.
Heās attractive. It only really occurs to him now, now that heās not being infuriating via egotism or lewdness or ... any number of creative ways he could be annoying.
But still an oddball, and definitely likes to hear himself talk, Junpei quietly reminds himself as he refocuses on listening to what the other is actually saying. ]
... I have a lot of things to unlearn. I know that. But ... I wonāt lie to you and pretend I can just throw myself at life here and not overthink. Iāll consider what youāve said. I just ... need some time.
(It's one of those times too where Dirk isn't paying too much attention to how someone might be looking at him. Times where he is lost in things that aren't part of some overcompensating mind game where infuriation is the end goal every time for everyone.)
I understand. It would be unnatural if you could. (Dirk only could because Dirk was always an exception to the rule. He lived a strange life and this Folkmore nonsense was just an extenuating part of it all.)
Take all the time you need. Not like we're going anywhere anytime soon. (Probably.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ He huffs darkly. It never felt temporary when he was assured more the next day just by existing.
But theyāre not here. The three idiots arenāt here. Ito isnāt here.
Mahito isnāt here. ]
Do you have any suggestions? Or are you just talking about the power of positive thinking? I would say time can probably help ... but how much time? At least back home there was some predictability of where danger would come from ...
[ Well, until the end. But even that he should have seen coming. ]
... so I have no idea how quickly Iāll need to change. If I can change.
no subject
It's about taking charge of your own mental fortitude.
(He steps in front of Junpei and holds out both of his own palms.)
You can break one of my fingers if you want. Go ahead. (He curls his left hand into a fist except for his pinky.)
I have a limited relationship to my body. It's disposable. It's my soul that I care about and that's fractured beyond repair. This shit's just a fuckin' vessel. Go ahead. Break my finger and I won't do shit.
(He's just trying to prove a point here. Granted, in a very barbaric sort of way, but whatever.)
no subject
He gives a horrified look to the other, shaking his head a little. ]
Hey, stop ... I donāt want to! I don't know what youāre trying to prove, but ... there has to be some other way to do it.
no subject
At least not like this. He sighs finally, and starts to walk again.)
All right. Unclench your ass. I won't make you do it.
(For now anyway.)
How old are you exactly?
no subject
Even then heād only put the rest of his peers to sleep - he hadnāt been lying to his teacher when heād said theyād be okay. Only Ito was intended to die that day, but in the end Junpei was the only casualty.
When Dirk starts walking again he feels relief the matter wasnāt pressed, but also lingering uneasiness that the situation came up at all. He thought heād gotten a bead on the type of eccentric Dirk was, but clearly there were multiple layers at play here.
Heās really glad he insisted they meet in public.
When asked his age thereās hesitation in his response. He feels like heās more mature than his age indicates - but then donāt all teenagers? ]
Seventeen.
no subject
He's in his own head, mulling over Junpei as much as Junpei was mulling over him. Junpei was right to be wary. Even with good intentions, Dirk tended to be a nefarious sort. There was a reason he had manifested in this world as a myth.)
You still operate primarily by your amygdala rather than your frontal cortex. And you seem to be quite sensitive to negative stimuli physically and mentally...
(Dirk, maybe stop psychoanalyzing the poor kid?)
no subject
He gives the back of Dirkās head an unimpressed look. ]
Youāre really, really confusing.
[ Before the other takes that to mean he doesnāt understand the words being said to him, the teen elaborates : ]
One minute youāre just some thirsty creep and the next youāre a college professor.
[ Blunt as ever. ]
no subject
(Poor Junpei. Dirk was a fucking weirdo by a landslide and there was no chance of him ever making sense, probably. Everything was a game to this dude. He glances over at Junpei and winds up raising a brow.)
Can man not both be thirsty and intelligent? The duality of humanity should not be understated, bunny. I have a cock and I have a brain. I like to use both to think. It's twice as effective and three times as fun.
(He's insufferable, in other words.)
no subject
[ Or at least it is for him. Heād told Dirk trust was based on predictability, and right now navigating this guy was like a carnival funhouse. ]
I prefer my brain, thank you. It runs on logic.
[ The other head wasnāt totally silent - he was a teenage boy after all. But between watching his idiotic schoolmates let girls lead them around by their dicks and being afraid the bullying would worsen if it was ever discovered what his preferences were ... heād done his best to ignore his libido. Nothing good could possibly come from following it. ]
cw: child abuse
(For him. He knew he was exhausting to literally everyone he met and knew, but he liked to think he just kept everyone on their toes.
Being predictable may as well be a federal offense in his books. He knew that predictability was dangerous. He knew he had raised his brother in some other timeline to never know what to expect and, well, most certainly it had led to his brother being rather mentally fucked up. Apparently tormenting an actual child with swords and puppets wasn't the best way to raise one.
Which kind of sucked, Dirk supposed, but he also saw where Beta!Dirk was coming from too. Keep 'em on their toes. Survival of the fittest, the most clever, the most agile.)
Logic can get you killed sometimes too. Sometimes a combination of logic and instinct is what sets someone apart from the others.
(They reach a little smoothie shack. It sounded nice in the desert heat so he orders himself an orange smoothie and sits aside while Junpei picks something out for himself.)
Plus. Neglect the other head for too long and it'll bite ya in the ass one day.
Re: cw: child abuse
Heās careful to take his time drinking it, eager for the relief from the heat but not wanting to invite brain freeze. ]
Maybe in some people it might, but I donāt think thatās true for everyone. Sex is over glorified in society.
[ Sex was a frequent enough theme even in horror movies. It was easy to think of a dozen off the top of his head where some young girl was shown barely dressed for no reason other than to titillate. It always made him roll his eyes. ]
Youāre made to think youāre a loser if youāre my age and not having it.
Re: cw: child abuse
Is it over-glorified or simply mishandled in terms of conversations surrounding it? I wouldn't know, honestly. I wasn't raised in society, but from my studies, it seems like sex is a constant weapon that people use to shame one another with one way or another. If you're having too much sex or not enough sex or sex with the wrong people or at the wrong time...
(It's fascinating to him. He sucks down some more of his drink.)
Seems like ya'll suffer one hell of a conflict with one of nature's most basic instincts.
no subject
[ He says in that dry disenfranchised teenager way between slurps of his smoothie. It is surprisingly good, tasting like actual fresh berries and not something artificial. At the very least itās distracting him from being entirely cynical. ]
Thankfully I learned not to care what āsocietyā thought. Even if that had to happen in the most brutish way possible. I spent my last year of life doing what I wanted to do. Who knows if I ever would have survived adult life anyway ... I donāt believe in fate, but itās hard to picture myself as an adult.
no subject
(He leans back onto the bench, resting his arm across the back. He considers what Junpei says and pieces together a relatively basic fact.)
So, you're technically dead. (Not a question. He looks at Junpei with renewed interest.)
no subject
Initially, heād assumed everyone here was dead. That it was some kind of afterlife for better or for worse. Not quite punishment but not quite a reward, but more colorful and interesting than a purgatory.
But a conversation over the network quickly made him realize that wasnāt the case. Now he wondered what awaited him if he reached that full potential like he was supposed to - what could he do with it with no life to return to?
He nods in response after a minute, looking down at his lap. ]
Yeah. I am. I guess youāre not, then.
no subject
That is complicated.
(It's probably the first time since these two have spoken that Dirk drops his bravado entirely. He sounds more his age, more human, and somewhat soft. He touches the edge of the scar around his neck.)
I've died a few times. I'm technically immortal both because of the level in my powers I reached and due to the nature of my abilities. But who knows? Maybe I finally stayed permanently dead and just don't know it.
no subject
Another guy I spoke to said he doesnāt think heās dead. He was alive when he saw a copy of himself made like I did ... but ... if Iām dead, whatās the point of reaching my full potential now? Itās too late, isnāt it? After this place ...
[ His voice grows scared and small as he curls in on himself a little. ]
... what is there left for me?
cw: decapitation
He watches Junpei and maybe the guy didn't like him much but...Dirk lightly lowers his arm around Junpei's shoulders as a silent gesture of potential comfort.)
There is whatever is in this world. You aren't dead here. Mortality is not a fixed state, Junpei. Time isn't either. It won't do you any good to act like there is no hope left just because your typical life is left behind.
(He sighs, setting his drink between his legs.)
You'll move on. Figure a new life. It's not too late at all. Just sounds like you got a second chance, man.
no subject
But still he doesnāt shake Dirk off remembering that. Instead he lets the arm stay while he absorbs his words. Kaneki suggesting he would make friends here resurfaces. Heād dismissed the idea. But ... was it really possible? Could he be happy here? ]
I just ... donāt know how to trust ... who to trust ... I thought I did back home and I was wrong.
[ Oh no, he feels tears welling up. He raises a hand to try and dry them before they fall. He did NOT want to cry in front of Dirk. ]
I - I should go ...
[ He gets up suddenly, feeling much too raw and exposed. ]
no subject
(He sees those tears but doesn't call them out.)
We are all wrong sometimes. We make bad choices because of poor decisions. You can't beat yourself up forever over it or else...
(Ah...He reaches out a quick hand and grabs Junpei's wrist, but his grip is gentle. Firm, but gentle.)
Junpei, do you know how people gain muscles? The science behind it? Humor me for a second before you leave.
no subject
But, he wonāt resist or try to pull away. He turns to face Dirk, brow furrowed in confusion. ]
Iām not really the athletic type ... so I havenāt given it much thought. I guess doing some things repeatedly is going to make those areas stronger?
no subject
It was honesty. When Junpei doesn't pull away, he leans forward and rests his other hand over Junpei's wrist and slides a finger up over the edge of his arm.)
Every time you work out, you get these micro-tears in your muscles. You literally pull your body apart. It's why it's so important to rest properly and not work out extensively every day. It's why you're sore after an intense workout and why athletes are so prone to injury.
(He curls his fingers around Junpei's arm.)
But then when you're less sore, you work out again, and those places heal stronger than they were before. You keep doing this again and again and that's what gives you muscle mass. A lot of pain, a lot of calculated damage that you know you can withstand.
(He lets go of Junpei.)
Life here or life back in your world will hurt. It's your choice if you want to see what you can do with that pain or if you'd rather give up before you really see what can happen.
no subject
Heās attractive. It only really occurs to him now, now that heās not being infuriating via egotism or lewdness or ... any number of creative ways he could be annoying.
But still an oddball, and definitely likes to hear himself talk, Junpei quietly reminds himself as he refocuses on listening to what the other is actually saying. ]
... I have a lot of things to unlearn. I know that. But ... I wonāt lie to you and pretend I can just throw myself at life here and not overthink. Iāll consider what youāve said. I just ... need some time.
no subject
I understand. It would be unnatural if you could. (Dirk only could because Dirk was always an exception to the rule. He lived a strange life and this Folkmore nonsense was just an extenuating part of it all.)
Take all the time you need. Not like we're going anywhere anytime soon. (Probably.)