Dude, I'm a genius. Could you imagine Kyubey's face? Just "...excuse the fuck outta me." All their powers are related to their wishes too, right, so like...
(Dirk hums.)
I bet I'd just look like a bondage stripper. It would be so cool.
Thanks. (A beat.) I don't really live in a convenient situation. Actually getting laid isn't an option.
(Might as well admit it. It's a reasonable question though.)
I was scared the first time I fingered myself. (Dirk hesitates, adjusting his glasses, not that Kyle could see.) First time I used an actual dildo I was paranoid it was going to get stuck. But you get to know your body and can make reasonable adjustments and estimations. After that, it's all logic.
Oh no? That happens, it has nothing to do with your game. What's so inconvenient about it? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true. [People can't sense blushing, can they? No, of course not.] I think maybe I just get kind of freaked out easy over body stuff.
(Dirk sighs quietly.) It's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just that no one really believes it when I tell them, so I just don't really bother anymore.
[Kyle hums thoughtfully.] Y-eeeeees... Is this about the job market?
It sucks. I still get sick more than I should, probably, even though I use hand sanitizer all the fucking time... Anyway. If you have a cold or something you feel tired and your body aches and you're all snotty.
When I was little I got real sick and almost died once. That was just like having no energy at all. Like sitting up was hard, and I'd sweat and my heart felt irregular and I couldn't see very well sometimes. So. Yeah.
Not that that has anything to do with dicks, that's I guess from other stuff.
That sounds vile. (And totally lame. Especially the dying part.)
No, it makes sense though. You were forced to be made aware of how vulnerable your body was at an impressionable age. I remember the first time I bled I was just confused by what I was looking at. I literally figured I was a robot so I was like, what the fuck kind of oil is this?
(Which probably sounded completely insane but kids were idiots.)
[And a normal person might know that! But Kyle is no stranger to fun with weapons.]
Yeah, I got cured. But moreso, like... I was infected deliberately by someone without my knowledge. And I once had two people sewn to me. And my body was taken over by sentient microorganisms. And... well. Anyway. I get a little nervous about body stuff, is what I'm saying.
This conversation really went off the rails, I'm sorry.
(That is a lot. That's enough that after a few minutes of silence, Dirk decides it actually might be worth telling Kyle the truth.)
I was put on this plant on December 3rd, 2409. I'm talking to you from the future after the world was taken over by aliens. The job market doesn't really exist because humans don't exist anymore and I'm the only human male left.
(There we go. Ice breaker. He clears his throat.)
So, clearly, we both have had some weird experiences. I'm uh. Glad you don't have two people sewn to you anymore.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Dirk, you dirty bastard. Good one.
no subject
(Dirk hums.)
I bet I'd just look like a bondage stripper. It would be so cool.
no subject
You probably would!
no subject
(He literally sighs dreamily.)
no subject
[He's so red. Thank god it's not video.]
no subject
What do you think the answer is?
no subject
Which is fine! I am NOT sex shaming you, I am super positive!
no subject
(This dude was so cute it was unreal. What the hell.)
But I have used two dildos at once which was pretty fun.
no subject
no subject
(He smirks.) Yes, really. I like to see what my body can handle and not just when it comes to fighting.
no subject
Don't you get scared? [Oh wow, what a pussy thing to say.] I mean not of dongs, of like... getting hurt, I guess.
no subject
(Might as well admit it. It's a reasonable question though.)
I was scared the first time I fingered myself. (Dirk hesitates, adjusting his glasses, not that Kyle could see.) First time I used an actual dildo I was paranoid it was going to get stuck. But you get to know your body and can make reasonable adjustments and estimations. After that, it's all logic.
no subject
Yeah. Yeah, that's true. [People can't sense blushing, can they? No, of course not.] I think maybe I just get kind of freaked out easy over body stuff.
no subject
(No, definitely not. Of course not.)
In general or sexually?
no subject
In general. I had a lot of weird stuff happen to me as a kid. I was sick a lot.
no subject
Do you believe in things like time travel?
Yeah? I've never really been sick. (Which happens in total isolation, but you know.) What's it like being sick?
no subject
It sucks. I still get sick more than I should, probably, even though I use hand sanitizer all the fucking time... Anyway. If you have a cold or something you feel tired and your body aches and you're all snotty.
When I was little I got real sick and almost died once. That was just like having no energy at all. Like sitting up was hard, and I'd sweat and my heart felt irregular and I couldn't see very well sometimes. So. Yeah.
Not that that has anything to do with dicks, that's I guess from other stuff.
no subject
(Kyle, what even was that conclusion.)
That sounds vile. (And totally lame. Especially the dying part.)
No, it makes sense though. You were forced to be made aware of how vulnerable your body was at an impressionable age. I remember the first time I bled I was just confused by what I was looking at. I literally figured I was a robot so I was like, what the fuck kind of oil is this?
(Which probably sounded completely insane but kids were idiots.)
Bodily autonomy is weird.
no subject
[Kyle seems so NORMAL until he busts out shit like that.]
Did you really? And were you hurt very badly?
Uhm. So. I had HIV.
no subject
(He's kind of laughing because that is without a doubt the wildest theory he's ever had tossed at him the moment he has mentioned time traveling.)
Yeah. And no, it was just a normal injury from a sword. (Which isn't normal, to begin with but whatever!)
Okay.
(It takes Dirk a second to process that. And then. Oh.)
Oh. (Okay. Yeah. He knows what this is.) Are you okay?
no subject
[And a normal person might know that! But Kyle is no stranger to fun with weapons.]
Yeah, I got cured. But moreso, like... I was infected deliberately by someone without my knowledge. And I once had two people sewn to me. And my body was taken over by sentient microorganisms. And... well. Anyway. I get a little nervous about body stuff, is what I'm saying.
This conversation really went off the rails, I'm sorry.
no subject
I was put on this plant on December 3rd, 2409. I'm talking to you from the future after the world was taken over by aliens. The job market doesn't really exist because humans don't exist anymore and I'm the only human male left.
(There we go. Ice breaker. He clears his throat.)
So, clearly, we both have had some weird experiences. I'm uh. Glad you don't have two people sewn to you anymore.
It's fine. It's important stuff to know.
no subject
[Kyle sounds a little skeptical, but not nearly as much as you'd expect. Mostly he sounds curious.]
Wait, so if you're the only human male left are you a virgin? [Yeah Kyle, THAT'S the important thing?!]
Thanks. ...it was a human centipede thing. I, uh. Was the middle piece.
no subject
(Dirk has no real idea how to prove it beyond sending Kyle pictures but those could be easily altered.
Dirk is dead quiet when Kyle asks that question. For the first time in his life, he feels a sense of embarrassment about his own sexuality.)
Virginity is a derogatory construct. (Yes. Provide a pretentious, philosophical answer instead. Good approach.)
Oh my fucking God. So you have eaten human feces before? (They are both out here asking the important questions.)
no subject
I'm glad anime from like the 2010s survived I guess?
[You can hear the smile in his voice when Kyle speaks again.] Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is. It's cool, though.
[SIGH. His oen fault, but he wanted to reveal something embarrassing so Dirk wouldn't feel bad.]
Against my will, but yes.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)