I asked for the first one. I'm just trying to get a feel for the situation here. I've suggested sending you sexual content of myself a few times and you've pretty expertly deflected every offer.
you're like the closest friend i have right now. i don't want to fuck it up.
you sound happy when i flirt with you, and i want you to be happy, and it's fun. but i shouldn't do it because i know i'll take it too far and then you'll be like wow kyle calm down and you'll stop talking to me.
because if we get like actually sexy i'll get all gooshy about you and you'll be like oh ew kyle i thought you could handle casual sex and i'll be like well i guess not and you'll vanish into the night and i'll be left to cry into a bucket of dairy free ice cream
(Man, this conversation was slamming him over. He felt like he was sixteen all over again. It's getting progressively longer between his replies. He finds himself just wanting to go to sleep.)
[Kyle sincerely considers drowning himself in his sink, just to end the torment. The long gaps between replies have him convinced he's fucked everything up irreversibly.
oh. i just thought you flirted with most guys because it's funny to you. and then i thought ok no maybe he really does like my ass but it's just a sex thing, like you're the sort who really could nail a friend and have it be totally casual. and i can't do that so i got worried.
So. I'm going to be really explicit here both because I respect you as a friend, but also for my own sake.
I do flirt with most people. It is funny to me. It is also an easy way to show friendliness which I struggle showing if it's not flirtation. That sounds like a bullshit excuse, but I don't really know how to exude things typically associated with friendship.
However, I do not typically flirt extensively with people while simultaneously listening to them about their problems or explaining to them about my personal life.
I used to have a best friend named Jake. He was the first actual boy I ever spoke to period. It was inevitable I'd catch feelings like a fucking moron. We were best friends at thirteen and my crush got a lot worse over the years. He's why I can teleport physical objects to the past. He was way further in the past than you are.
Anyway. This situation happened almost identically but in reverse concern. He wanted to make me happy, and because I liked him, he decided to try dating me, but exclusively to make me happy. Not because he necessarily liked me back. He wanted to try to develop romantic feelings for me because, to him, he thought I was the ideal partner for him...If I was a girl.
Which became the eventual issue when things leaned more on the sexual side. He started to act weird and avoidant. And I got obsessive and psychotic. It's not a shocker that our relationship ended with a bang. I haven't spoken to him since. I think his life probably got much better after I left it. He wasn't exactly happy with me at that point and I doubt he cared about my happiness anymore either.
I'm just saying I'm fully aware of the circumstances and risks are taken when moving from a friendship to a relationship.
I like to think I would be good at a casual sex thing, but despite what you may think, it is hard to make connections in my situation regardless of my looks or charm. I'm bad at forming bonds.
I have no idea if I'd ever be able to do casual sex either. Mostly because I do not know how I could maintain a friendship and not become obsessed with them. If I did casual sex, it would have to be cold and distant. One night stand stuff only. Okay, now I'm just self-serving my own pity party so I'm gonna knock it the fuck off.
In conclusion here, what I'm trying to get at is that I'm not that different from you. I hold all the same concerns you hold and am probably even more paranoid about them since the only intimate and romantic relationship I've ever had ended fucking terribly and permanently.
I don't want a repeat of that and especially not with you.
So, yes. It is mutual. I have feelings for you sexually and romantically. But I also don't want to make you hate me and frankly, I make it very easy to hate me. You'll argue this but I'm a class-A manipulator and asshole and I'm narcissistic and obsessive and controlling.
You act like me spending money on you is some generous charity thing but in reality, it's probably just me wanting to get my puppet strings around you and start in on feeling like you'll owe me down the road when I want you to. Because that's how I operate and there's no point in acting like it's not.
(He has zero faith in his ability to self-reflect, like he was obviously doing, or feeling like he could improve on the shittier parts of himself. He doesn't even know how to tell when he's being a good person or not. He just assumes all of his own actions are self-motivated. This idiot gaslights himself.)
That was a lot. Sorry. I really am kind of that psycho girlfriend type they make all those memes about.
that doesn't sound like a bullshit excuse. i mean, you're bound to be socially awkward in some form, you love in near total isolation. it's a miracle you know how to make conversation period.
oh my god that's horrible. the whole just trying to force feelings thing, i mean, that's such a terrible idea. the catching feelings thing isn't stupid, dirk, not at that age. i did it, too. i'm seriously not going to hold that against younger us.
obsessive and psychotic, huh? like 'murder anyone who talks to my partner' psychotic? have you ever fed a human being another human being?
that's a serious question btw.
i still like you, you know. and i don't believe you're entirely as selfish as you think you are.
(Now he just felt weirdly twitchy and exposed right at the nerves. Like he overshared. There was absolutely nothing cool about anything about this.)
Yeah, I guess you have a point.
It was. In retrospect, I should have told him no but I was lonely and desperate. I think some part of me didn't even care because I just wanted to be with him so badly? It was the first time I thought a guy might be into me and even if it wasn't really that way, I think I was willing to pretend it was.
No, I haven't, but I feel I can't have a fair comparison given the circumstances. Who knows what I would be like in regular society.
See. I don't know if I would do those things or not. My instinct isn't even to say no right away but to say "it would depend."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I asked for the first one. I'm just trying to get a feel for the situation here. I've suggested sending you sexual content of myself a few times and you've pretty expertly deflected every offer.
I'm just curious. It's not weird.
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you sound happy when i flirt with you, and i want you to be happy, and it's fun. but i shouldn't do it because i know i'll take it too far and then you'll be like wow kyle calm down and you'll stop talking to me.
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Please do not feel obligated to flirt with me. We'll drop it here.
I wouldn't stop talking to you though for the record.
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i like YOU.
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I like you too. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what we have.
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Do you currently hold those feelings for me or is this more of a preemptive concern?
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it's at a manageable level. hence the concern about escalation. right now i'm sitting at about midnight daydream level.
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I see. You're not statistically wrong.
The feelings are mutual.
I guess it would be wise to ease up.
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But.]
wait mutual really?
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Sorry.
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but you have romantic feelings for me?
okay ig you get a fucking novel tonight
So. I'm going to be really explicit here both because I respect you as a friend, but also for my own sake.
I do flirt with most people. It is funny to me. It is also an easy way to show friendliness which I struggle showing if it's not flirtation. That sounds like a bullshit excuse, but I don't really know how to exude things typically associated with friendship.
However, I do not typically flirt extensively with people while simultaneously listening to them about their problems or explaining to them about my personal life.
I used to have a best friend named Jake. He was the first actual boy I ever spoke to period. It was inevitable I'd catch feelings like a fucking moron. We were best friends at thirteen and my crush got a lot worse over the years. He's why I can teleport physical objects to the past. He was way further in the past than you are.
Anyway. This situation happened almost identically but in reverse concern. He wanted to make me happy, and because I liked him, he decided to try dating me, but exclusively to make me happy. Not because he necessarily liked me back. He wanted to try to develop romantic feelings for me because, to him, he thought I was the ideal partner for him...If I was a girl.
Which became the eventual issue when things leaned more on the sexual side. He started to act weird and avoidant. And I got obsessive and psychotic. It's not a shocker that our relationship ended with a bang. I haven't spoken to him since. I think his life probably got much better after I left it. He wasn't exactly happy with me at that point and I doubt he cared about my happiness anymore either.
I'm just saying I'm fully aware of the circumstances and risks are taken when moving from a friendship to a relationship.
I like to think I would be good at a casual sex thing, but despite what you may think, it is hard to make connections in my situation regardless of my looks or charm. I'm bad at forming bonds.
I have no idea if I'd ever be able to do casual sex either. Mostly because I do not know how I could maintain a friendship and not become obsessed with them. If I did casual sex, it would have to be cold and distant. One night stand stuff only. Okay, now I'm just self-serving my own pity party so I'm gonna knock it the fuck off.
In conclusion here, what I'm trying to get at is that I'm not that different from you. I hold all the same concerns you hold and am probably even more paranoid about them since the only intimate and romantic relationship I've ever had ended fucking terribly and permanently.
I don't want a repeat of that and especially not with you.
So, yes. It is mutual. I have feelings for you sexually and romantically. But I also don't want to make you hate me and frankly, I make it very easy to hate me. You'll argue this but I'm a class-A manipulator and asshole and I'm narcissistic and obsessive and controlling.
You act like me spending money on you is some generous charity thing but in reality, it's probably just me wanting to get my puppet strings around you and start in on feeling like you'll owe me down the road when I want you to. Because that's how I operate and there's no point in acting like it's not.
(He has zero faith in his ability to self-reflect, like he was obviously doing, or feeling like he could improve on the shittier parts of himself. He doesn't even know how to tell when he's being a good person or not. He just assumes all of his own actions are self-motivated. This idiot gaslights himself.)
That was a lot. Sorry. I really am kind of that psycho girlfriend type they make all those memes about.
like that's a bad thing?
oh my god that's horrible. the whole just trying to force feelings thing, i mean, that's such a terrible idea. the catching feelings thing isn't stupid, dirk, not at that age. i did it, too. i'm seriously not going to hold that against younger us.
obsessive and psychotic, huh? like 'murder anyone who talks to my partner' psychotic? have you ever fed a human being another human being?
that's a serious question btw.
i still like you, you know. and i don't believe you're entirely as selfish as you think you are.
eheh you right
Yeah, I guess you have a point.
It was. In retrospect, I should have told him no but I was lonely and desperate. I think some part of me didn't even care because I just wanted to be with him so badly? It was the first time I thought a guy might be into me and even if it wasn't really that way, I think I was willing to pretend it was.
No, I haven't, but I feel I can't have a fair comparison given the circumstances. Who knows what I would be like in regular society.
See. I don't know if I would do those things or not. My instinct isn't even to say no right away but to say "it would depend."
Maybe. But you're sweet.
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i get that. loneliness makes us do some desperate shit. it's just this deep urge to be loved, dude.
oh yeah that's true. but i don't THINK you would force people into cannibalism.
maybe i am. so what? my feelings are what they are.
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Your faith in me remains astonishing.
Okay, so now that I've fully exposed my guts here. Setting parameters would probably be a good idea. I would rather not shackle you to anything.
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not even the bed? :P
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Maybe to the bed.
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but ok ok parameters.
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Yes. So. What exactly do you want? This isn't exactly a traditional situation.
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