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inbox | timaeusTestified (deer country)
Dirk has set up a new autoresponder option known as Anti-Dirk. Anti-Dirk will speak on Dirk's behalf if Dirk is preoccupied elsewhere. Please clarify in your header if you would like to have Anti-Dirk respond to your character. This will provide a more candid interaction with Dirk. They will automatically get the following response to begin a conversation:
Hello. It seems you are trying to reach Dirk Strider. If you would like to get a quick idea of what he would say, I would be happy to help. I am ANTI-DIRK and will be able to provide answers based on his subconscious patterns of speech and emotions. How can I help you today?
no subject
God. It's the first time a guy has said anything like this to him and taken so much care to be caring with him. It's more startling than any flirtation out there. He's gradually turning red and is all the more grateful that this is happening through a screen.
He needs his own reply to be perfect. Or as close to perfect as possible. More importantly, he realized that he just needed to be straightforward with K. New rules for the game: no bullshitting around.)
I don't think he was wrong. I was jealous. I was jealous of your partner, and I was just jealous of that kind of relationship in general too. I was jealous and it catastrophized in my mind into a bunch of other issues I have that are not your responsibility nor your fault. I wondered maybe if it meant we couldn't have a special connection too, and I wondered why I should bother trying to live up to someone like you already had.
I was jealous because back in my old relationship, I always knew, or figured I guess, that Jake would have preferred to be with women no matter what I did. That's not his fault. However, I think I might have started to draw inevitable conclusions with you as well. And the corruption seemed to have made it way worse.
I thought the addition of sex to our emotional chemistry might make me develop intense feelings towards you. Which, in retrospect, is stupid since that has already happened. I figured I'd keep my cool better if I just tried to be strictly friends from the get-go. Granted, I don't exactly want to be dancing around with my friends the way I did with you, so again, that was stupid.
(It makes him feel slightly better to know that K felt something about the situation with Savage. Was it selfish to feel a flutter of relief there? Not that he wanted to make K jealous, but knowing that possessiveness was there was ...nice. After all, he had meant it when he told K he wouldn't mind being possessed by him.)
I might not belong to you, but I would not want casual sex to possibly damage a unique relationship between us either.
If I'm being totally real with you, I like to swing my metaphorical dick around about sex more than my literal dick. Flirting and acting like I'm down to clown with any dude feels like an ironic reclaim of the shitty stereotypes that used to exist around gay dudes who would admit they want to fuck. Especially kinky gay dudes.
Like, "Yeah, dude, I'm a total sex freak and addict, be terrified by my audacity to want to get railed by hot dudes. Does it fuck with your standards of masculinity that someone like me wants to suck dick? I hope it does. I can bench press your dad and then I'll let him fuck me. What of it?"
Okay. I'm going off the beaten path here. Listen. Let's start this fresh:
Hey, I'm Dirk. I find you outrageously attractive on a physical, mental, and emotional level. I'm jealous, insecure, controlling, and needy as fuck. I'm competitive and want as much of your attention on me that I can get. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing but I'm willing to communicate more effectively since apparently, you're willing to as well.
If we wind up having sex, please be aware that I will develop deeper feelings for you. If we don't have sex and just maintain our current relationship, please be aware that I will develop deeper feelings for you. If you're cool with that gamble, then I'm cool with that gamble.
I would prefer to keep you in my life if you're willing. I can handle it.
no subject
I think I understand what you mean about those old stereotypes and reclaiming. Or understand it as much as I'm able to. I was not socialised as a man, because the society I'm from doesn't view my kind as people. I was frequently referred to as "it" and treated accordingly. It was only later in Deerington and elsewhere that I've been able to explore what a masculine identity means to me.
To be clear. My possessiveness isn't the kind where the thought of you sleeping with other people is fuel for fantasies that'll make me want to fuck you harder to prove you're "mine", it's more of a turn off. Unfortunately. [ Not exactly the sexy and fun kind of possessiveness, womp womp. But Dirk should know what he's signing up for before things get more serious, if they do. ] If it feels like I'm expected to compete for someone's time or affection, I'd be more likely to look elsewhere for companionship. You haven't made me feel that way, before you wonder. You've made me feel... worthwhile.
How do you feel about monogamy? Physical, emotional. Do you feel you need to have multiple partners to meet your emotional and sexual needs (whether through polyamory or an open relationship), or would you be happy with one partner? How would you feel about me having multiple partners? It's okay if you don't know all the answers yet. I think these are important considerations if we're going to explore our feelings for each other.
I'll be honest, I'm not sure whether I could maintain a non-monogamous romantic relationship. Commitment is important to me. And I think my partner dating and sleeping with others, or having poor boundaries in general with them, would feed directly into some of my insecurities. About not being enough... not good enough, because I'm not a "real" person. Just artificial. With artificial feelings that don't merit the same consideration or respect as a real person's. That's what I was programmed to believe. It can still be hard sometimes not thinking that way.
There's also Savage's feelings to consider. I know you said you two don't have that kind of relationship, but is he aware of that? Or is he going to feel as though you're being unfaithful to him if you simultaneously pursue something deeper with me?
[ The much harder question that K will have to figure out for himself is whether he can be happy pursuing romance and a deeper connection while forgoing commitment. Who knows, maybe they won't develop a proper relationship, maybe it'll stay as a friendship with undefined romantic benefits. And so far he isn't actually asking for commitment from Dirk, he's just asking how Dirk feels about it. Feeling out the possibilities and their compatibility, along with their shifting boundaries. ]
-> video
I understand. That's about how my possessiveness works too. Granted, the idea of possessive sex like that is kind of hot, but not when actual other possibilities are on the horizon. I'm glad I've made you feel worthwhile. That's been mutual.
(Despite the weight of the questions, they are actually incredibly easy to answer.)
I have no interest in polyamory or an open relationship. I couldn't handle it, and I wouldn't ask you to handle it either just so I can get my dick wet. I do like sex, but I don't like sex more than I like the idea of creating a special relationship with someone. You. I would hate for you to have multiple partners outside of me.
If we're keeping to honesty here, I have no idea how to feel about your past relationship. I'm happy for you that you had it. Selfishly though it makes me wonder if I could live up to that. You still carry around his ring, so part of me feels like I'm encroaching on another dude's husband or something. So. I get the insecurity thing.
I understand.
(More than that, he didn't want K to ever feel that way. Even if they never got together, even if K decided he didn't want to get involved with Dirk. There's a delay where it seems like Dirk might be done with the conversation. But then there's a video transmission. He's in a loose tanktop, his hair completely unstyled and soft around his head. More importantly, he isn't wearing his sunglasses. There's something undeniably vulnerable about the expression on his face and the fact that he can't really seem to bring himself to look at the actual camera.
Baby steps though. He felt like he had to prove something to K, and this was his approach. He had fucked up, and he wanted to...Be better about this than he had ever been with Jake. He always thought about how if he had just chilled out and tried to have a real talk...
But this isn't Jake. It's K. He doesn't really want to keep drawing comparisons in his mind. It wasn't fair to either man. He doesn't look at the camera as he talks, but every now and then his decidedly unusual, orange eyes flicker back and forth. This was making his skin crawl. You got this, Strider.)
I will never see you as an object. I want to make that completely clear. I do see you as an android. (A beat, his voice trailing off, but then, softer:) I have no interest in erasing that reality from you or discrediting it. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like you're a human, because you aren't. I wouldn't change that. I value your personhood and sense of self. The way your mind works was created not that dissimilarly to the way mine was.
(Dirk actually manages to lift his eyes for a beat, frowning at the camera.)
It's okay if you fall back on thinking that way. I'll just guide you away from it. We stumble sometimes. (He shrugs, and looks back down.) God knows I have my fucking issues with a sense of self. I'm not even the real me anymore. Whatever the fuck 'real' even means.
(He shuts his eyes. He's tapped out. He puts his shades back on and immediately relaxes. Okay, the important part was done. He slides a hand through his hair and slumps forward, assuming a more casual position.)
Bro, Savage was just amused that I was flirting with other dudes. I will discuss it bluntly with him if it makes you feel more comfortable about the situation though. I can do that.
(No real problem there either. He knew this wasn't a formal commitment. He was okay with that too. He wanted to feel more steady on his feet with K before delving into something established. But at least with this, they knew going in what was going on. It was better than trying to pretend like he didn't have a desperate crush on the guy.)
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The only illumination is coming from the Omni itself while everything around him is in shadow, which as he leans back helps to hide how generally unwell he currently looks. #justcorruptionthings. It's probably just as well that Dirk doesn't look at the screen, though K notes his unusual behaviour and the very uncharacteristic lack of glasses β and finally has his first glimpse of Dirk's eyes. He can sense there's a heavy significance behind the gesture and remains quiet, watching him, until he finishes. And then the glasses return. ]
I appreciate that. All of it. My identity as an android is important to me. [ More than he can really say. But he will get more into it over time, he's sure. ] I wouldn't want to be treated like a human. [ Just a person. An android. They're not mutually exclusive. And he knows Dirk knows that; it's why he's genuinely touched by everything Dirk said. He already seems to understand some of K's most innate wants and needs pertaining to his identity, without even being told.
K's quiet for a moment, still thinking on what Dirk said about not being the real him. His voice softens as he offers: ] You're real to me.
Every relationship is going to be unique to the individuals involved. And should be. I think the only thing you need to "live up" to is whatever we decide works for us.
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Dirk wants to hold him. His arms ache with the unfamiliar instinct. To combat it, he merely crosses his arms over his desk. He nods to K. It would make sense that it was important to K, and it was important to Dirk. The validation of his own identity draws a small smile from Dirk. It's rather self-deprecating in nature.) Thank you. You spoke to Ult. Dirk though, right? There's the complexity of which one of the two of us is more the 'real' Dirk.
(They were all real. It was just a reality Dirk didn't know how to cope with yet. That would first mean having to directly address all those different parts of his own personality. But he doesn't want to talk about himself. Not right now.
He chews at the inside of his cheek. He knew rationally K was correct. No two relationships were the same and that was fine.)
Yeah. (He doesn't sound especially hopeful, but that was a confidence thing that they would have to work on. They didn't even know what worked for them yet, what their relationship was yet. Everything was unknown and Dirk hated that feeling.)
I'm nervous I won't be able to get past it. (He might as well admit since they're taking the complete honesty approach.) But I also realize I'm coming from a relationship where I never felt enough even at the beginning. We will likely have...an adjustment period.
(He rubs a hand through his hair, feeling a bit too exposed now, but he pushed through.)
Okay. So, what are the rules for this then? Because if this is going to be a thing. (He gestures between them.) I'm going to be a lot more direct in my flirting with you. I might try and seduce you from time to time. If you say no, I won't take it personally and I'll back off. It's fine if we don't dive into an actual relationship off the bat. I'd prefer it if we didn't. I want you to be sure this is something you would even want. I want us both to be sure.
In the meantime, I'll keep my bullshit to a minimum on the side. I won't go around trying to sleep with any interested dude or whatever.
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You want to be β friends with benefits? [ Oh. ] I mean I know I'll be... [ He hesitates. ] Sharing you. Until you decide whether this is something you want. Until we decide. Like you said.
[ He understands why Dirk would prefer it that way, and it is better to make sure for both their sakes, but the irrational part of his mind that's amplified by blood corruption is wondering if that makes him the fallback option, not the priority. And what if they sleep together and Dirk decides he doesn't want anything more? ...Is he obligated to sleep with Dirk so he can make a more informed decision about a potential relationship?
At least Dirk isn't wanting to take advantage of being uncommitted by actively looking to sleep with more people. That knowledge offers some measure of comfort.
Prior to the first time he and TB had been intimate, he said he wanted a relationship, TB happily agreed, and that was that. No uncertainty or trial period, no lingering hookups to worry about... He'd gotten very lucky with how smooth and easy that went, he's realising. But he's doing his best to carefully navigate the present unfamiliar territory. ]
no subject
That sounds...platonic and like I'm looking to scratch an itch.
(He presses his lips together, thinking how to word this.)
I know I want this. What I would like to do is take you on a few dates. (He can feel some heat prickling across his cheeks. He stares off-screen for a moment, frowning.) I would like to get to know you better. I would like for you to know me better.
(Hm. He looks back to the camera, his mouth relaxing.)
K, what rules would you prefer for this? What do you actually want with me currently?
(Man, Dirk sucked at this. He knows it's far from an ideal start to any relationship. But he was kind of a hot mess and that, more than anything else, is what he wanted K to understand. His own insecurities rested entirely inward. He knew this wasn't something that may be thrilling to K, and that makes him feel a press of guilt.)
Sorry. I know I'm overcomplicating this.
no subject
Friends who occasionally go on dates, to get to know each other better, then. Sure. We can do that.
[ Is it really that different from being friends with benefits? From what Dirk already gets to have with Savage? He wonders.
Keep things relatively casual and take it slow, then. He's hesitant to ask more of Dirk with how cautious he's being about everything. It makes K more cautious, too. Probably not a bad thing. Even if the lack of any form of commitment is... He lets out a breath as he reaches up to rub his face. It's just not what he's used to. It's fine. It has to be fine, if the only other option is probably not having anything with Dirk.
There's a muted sort of sadness in his expression as he looks down, quietly pressing piano keys to keep his hands occupied while he thinks. ]
I don't have any experience with... something like this. Did you make rules with Savage?
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(A soft admittance. He realizes he was at fault for that look on K's face right about now and he wants to shake himself. Instead, he rests his elbow on his desk. There is plenty more he wants to explain. That bubbling need to overshare and needle this situation to death was rising rapidly in his chest. But that's the kind of shit he did with Jake too. That insistent urge to just flatly understand every single thought and concept going through that head.
Dirk was analytical. He liked to break things apart and see how they worked. He taps his foot, fidgeting. There were things he didn't understand because he wasn't in a position to understand. He didn't really understand why K was looking twice at him when he already had such a satisfying relationship that he still carried around on his neck. He didn't really understand why K wanted to give him any chance at all considering the bullshit he pulled at the Red.
K owed him nothing at all, but here he was, trying to have this conversation with him anyway. It wasn't the wall of orange text that Dirk had gotten used to when he had tried to open up and examine his old relationship. He wasn't being ignored. So, for K's trouble, he does his best to let go of the insistent urge to keep pushing.)
No, not really. (Bedroom rules, but that was different. How would he feel if K had a similar relationship going on here in Trench?
Ha. Dirk smiles to himself without meaning to.)
You're being more elegant about Savage than I would be. (Might as well admit it.)
Listen. I'll call it off with Savage, okay? It's cool. (He...really wanted to get that sad look off of K's face. He pulls up some program on the Omni, fiddling around. A second later, there's a small melodic blip of a violin. Yes, he's mixing in response to K pressing keys.)
no subject
If you're only doing it for me, that isn't fair to you. Or probably him. Then I'm just depriving you of something you enjoy, that was established before we even met. [ He really doesn't want to be a cockblock on top of being a sadsack and jealous bastard, okay. There's only so much guilt he can live with. ] Not that I don't appreciate the gesture. But I remember what you said about finally being able to touch men... and I'd hate for you to ever resent me.
[ He knows neither of them want an open relationship. When and if they reach that point, a decision will have to be made regardless. Though the thought of Savage remaining in the picture during their "trial period" is already causing a gnawing uncertainty about whether a relationship could really work. Maybe they're jumping the gun.
Basically there's no good or easy choice here.
After a long pause, he admits: ] Especially when I'm not sure I'm ready for casual sex. [ Part of the uncertainty likely stems from not being keen on the idea of sleeping with someone who's actively sleeping with other people, but that's definitely not the whole of it. He's been meaning to elaborate on the finer details, since it's also a bit more complicated than just having preferences. ] There are certain things about it that I should probably also explain. So put a pin in that, I guess. [ Unless he loses the nerve to talk about it. ]
I don't know... How would you feel if I had a friend like that too?
[ Except he's actually thinking more for companionship. Possibly with some affectionate physical contact if they're both comfortable with it. But mainly the companionship. Specifically... maybe a Night Walker, since they're supposed to specialise in helping ease blood corruption. Two birds with one stone. Try to address his loneliness and corruption at the same time. ]
no subject
I'm not just doing it for your sake. (A bit blunt, maybe.) I think you're overestimating my selflessness. I want to make you happy, yeah. But if I really didn't want to do that, I wouldn't. I wouldn't offer and I'd tell you straight up it's not on the table.
(The same way he rejected Roxy no matter how many times it hurt to do. No matter how much he hated himself for it.)
I lived my life having accepted my options would always be minimal. I was fine with it. It's cool to have options, but I sure as fuck don't need them. Sex ain't that great to piss and moan about if I can't be passed around like a party favor. I'm a goddamn pro at masturbation and am still my own best lay. I've been takin' care of myself for years.
(Dirk, please. Except his slightly aggressive tone makes it clear he's being completely earnest here.)
So, there wouldn't be any resentment. Sex isn't worth resenting anyone over.
(And he believed that entirely. Not just for K either.)
You want exclusive and I'll give you exclusive. Your choice, man. (Dirk tips his head, nudging his glasses up.)
I'm gonna hit on you, but I don't need you to be ready for sex. I'm not a total dog. (Don't make a petplay joke, don't make a petplay joke. This was a serious conversation. Don't do it.) Unless you want me to be.
(Damn it, he tried so hard. He leans back in his chair.)
Okay. Go at your pace. No rush.
(He was immortal. He had all the time in the world.
What he doesn't expect is the question. He stops moving and stares at K for a long time.)
Wait, you for real? I thought you had a problem with me having a friend like that. (His frown deepens more into a scowl.) But you want one?
(Help him understand, K.)
no subject
I'm asking how you would feel about it. [ And Dirk may have already answered in a roundabout way. ] And thinking it sounds like you might prefer something a little more exclusive, too. [ Since he did just emphasise how much sex with other people isn't a need for him, and K was already aware of Dirk's own jealousy issues. Plus that scowl just says it all, doesn't it... it isn't difficult putting two and two together. ]
For what it's worth, I wasn't thinking of a hypothetical hookup. More of a hypothetical platonic... emotional... equivalent to that. [ A beat. ] Which is probably just a friend. [ Sort of. With a Night Walker, at least, there would presumably be an additional layer of separation because it's their profession. Not necessarily comparable to a friend with benefits arrangement for most people, but still something that K, personally, wouldn't be as inclined to engage in while in a relationship. It just comes down to boundaries.
And it sure does sound extra pathetic actually saying it out loud like that. He inwardly sighs. ]
That's the second time you've mentioned wanting to be collared. I'm beginning to think you might be serious.
[ It's an attempt at levity. ]
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Yeah, dude, I think that's just a friend. (A gentle tone.) I don't want you to be isolated or lonely. I'm not going to keep you from having friends whether we're together or not.
(Though now that he's thinking about it, there's another rush of guilt.)
I mean. (A small breath.) I can always be that for you too. (Another beat because, admittedly...) Though I'm aware I'm not exactly what most would call emotionally warm or available.
(But he was willing to try.
Dirk full-on grins.)
Sweetheart, you have no idea how serious I am about that. I'd goddamn swoon.
no subject
That's part of the plan, isn't it? [ He glances up at the screen. ] To know each other better?
[ A certain degree of emotional vulnerability is implied in that. Though, for his part, he hopes not to repeat his mistake of oversharing. Their first ever evening together had ended in absolute disaster because of it and he's still feeling the sting from being ghosted for days. It makes him wary of causing a repeat. Even if he isn't holding it against Dirk, his emotional investment still allows Dirk the ability to more easily hurt him. And while a probably not insignificant amount of corruption may have influenced events, he knows it wasn't solely to blame. It's his own fault. ]
Why do you think you're not emotionally warm or available?
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Yes. (A soft response. Dirk still felt bad about the Red as well, but it was a mistake and he hoped to prove himself to K as time went on. He begins to mix a bit of a beat to K's piano playing, going with some sax and an 8-Bit underscore.
He's glad to have the distraction when K asks. He shrugs, focusing on the music rather than looking at K.)
Do I strike you as either of those things?
(A question with a question. But he was curious to hear what K thought first on the subject. Mostly because he had tried to be more emotionally available for this conversation, and he idly wondered if he had succeeded.)
no subject
[ It's why K has felt comfortable opening up to him even without the Paleblood influence compelling him.
How Dirk had originally treated Kyle is another matter entirely, though Kyle insisted they'd worked it out and things were fine now. Fine enough for him to commission sex toys from Dirk, anyway. It may not be the right time to bring that up β the treatment of Kyle, not the sex toys β but K does think about it.
A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he watches Dirk work now. ] Or are you going to claim you were only hoping to sleep with me at first? Or maybe hoped to get inside me in another way, and play roboticist. [ He's pretty sure they both felt some kind of connection from the beginning. A kinship. Mutual curiosity. ] Back to your question: I also recognise the effort you're making right now.
[ Being willing to communicate and actually listening, talking about his feelings, expressing remorse for the incident at the Red. Even the effort Dirk's making with the music shows he's present and engaged, not just going through the motions to humour him. ]
no subject
The question gets a snort from Dirk, and he winds up grinning, shaking his head.)
The first conversation intrigued me. I'll admit the second conversation made me think you're pretty sexy. Then we met in person and it was game over. I was like, oh, fuck, I need this dude to dom me now. (He folds his hands together and rests his chin on top, letting the beat he created play on its own.)
Surprisingly, I haven't fantasized too much about working with your insides. I figure if you want to share that with me, you will when you're ready. (He peers over the edge of his glasses, and this time, he manages to maintain some eye contact, his orange eyes unblinking and steady for a moment.)
I am curious about you in that regard. But the more I talk to you, the more I believe I'm answering my own questions. (He lifts his head up, breaking any eye contact. There's some slight burn of embarrassment at his effort being recognized. He's not used to positive reinforcement about things like this. He mulls it over and puts his hands back down to fiddle with his Omni and start mixing a new beat.)
Okay. Then to answers yours...I prefer problem-solving over sentimentality most days. People want to talk about their problems and feel listened to, but I typically want to try and fix their problems. I understand most people need the former. (He fidgets. When he's done mixing with the music, he absently picks up a nearby robotic part, some hunk of metal, and begins fidgeting with that instead, twisting screws and tugging it apart before putting it back together in a new shape.)
I don't believe it's an inaccurate assessment of my personality to say that I'm a bit frigid. You know how I grew up. It wasn't until I began to regularly talk to my friends online that I started to fully comprehend the severity of words. I bury most things I'm thinking or feeling in layers of ironic metaphors or hypersexualized bravado. I can be a massive asshole and I like to play mind games and make it difficult for people to get to know me. I practically get off on that shit.
(A beat. He looks up at K.) Usually.
(Because he hasn't really done that with K.)
no subject
What Dirk says makes him wonder... but it'd be entirely too much to ask of him right now. Especially when K worries being a science project to Dirk might ultimately convince him that he's better off pursing something with another human, or at least a real person, rather than investing any emotion in something artificial like K. Problem-solving over sentimentality. What if Dirk reaches that conclusion regardless?...
The surprising sight of Dirk without his glasses before and how extremely uncomfortable he had seemed has spurred K's curiosity, and it makes the eye contact now feel more significant somehow, as brief as it is. It's something he wants to ask about but isn't sure whether it'd be appropriate right now; he's trying to tread carefully.
But watching him fidget makes K wish he could reach out and take Dirk's hands in his. Offer some kind of comfort. Physical connection. Something. ]
I may have noticed what you're describing in your interactions with other people. [ He acknowledges with a gentle note of humour in his tone. The underlying question being, what makes him different, or more deserving of better treatment? ] Ult Dirk showed me one of your memories with Dave. A transcript? About a "lightning round". I hope you don't mind that I read it. A lot of the context was lost on me, but I thought it was a good memory.
[ Getting to see that side of Dirk. Knowing that there's more to him than what he presents to most people. ]
no subject
Dirk would likely wind up just becoming more enamored with K. Though he would understand the anxiety. If their positions were swapped and he had to have K crack open his body or his mind, he'd feel similarly nervous about K deciding this wasn't what he wanted.
Falling for someone had its risks.
It would have been nice to feel those hands. Soothe some nervous energy.
He laughs without humor, feeling only a prickle of embarrassment.)
Yet you still tolerate me. (He teases back, vibing with K's own sense of humor. The humor flickers quickly away when he hears that Ult Dirk had shown one of his memories. His nose crinkles up and he feels a hot flash of panic and anger. Not at K, but himself. Of course he fucking would. That asshole. But he forces himself to relax, not wanting K to think he was upset with him.)
I don't mind that you read it. I'm kind of pissed at myself, but that's not fuckin' new. I always pull this shit with myself. (He's so exasperated. He sighs, knowing what K was talking about, and after a moment, he softens. Might not be a smile, but the defensive feeling is gone.)
Yeah. It was my first time ever talking to my bro. His first time getting to talk to a less shitty version of me. (His voice is quiet, distantly fond. He missed Dave.)
It was a good memory. (He fidgets more with his robotic part.) I was nervous. I thought I'd be a huge letdown. But all he did was hug me and ask for advice. I never thought I'd get to have that with my brother.
(There's an actual wobble of ...emotion in his voice? His shoulders shrug up towards his ears and he looks meek? Maybe?)
We come from a weird fuckin' world, so yeah, a lot of the context probably was bizarre. The lightning round was a good conversation. It worked well for us. To the point. I think he really needed it. (Dirk felt he had needed it too.)
We could... Always try that sometime if you wanted.
no subject
As Dirk goes into more detail about the encounter, K's playing gradually trails off until he finally just leans forward over the keyboard and crosses his arms on top of the piano, then rests his chin on them. He watches Dirk on the Omni, happy to listen. ]
I'm glad you got to have that moment with him. [ And he's thinking Ult Dirk must have known what he was doing in choosing that exact memory to share with him.
Perhaps if you manipulate a conversation to imply it is for your own growth, he may more easily open up.
Only no manipulation had been required. Honesty did the trick, this time. The offer is met with a smile. ] I'd be game. It seems like an interesting concept.
[ He watches Dirk for several more moments in silence, thinking. Maybe it is a good time to ask. Not as part of a lightning round, but just because he'd like to know. ]
Can I ask about the significance of your glasses? I thought they were just your... thing, something you like to wear all the time. [ Until today, when Dirk took them off for him and he'd realised: ] They're more than that.
no subject
K was good at listening. Dirk had noticed before, but he was picking up on it more than ever. This wasn't really stuff Dirk tended to share, but, well. Apparently, there were more effective methods in achieving that than anticipated.
Dimly, Dirk realizes it might be because no one really ever asked him anything too seriously. It didn't help that Dirk had always been closed off and had spent years deflecting any attempts at getting to know him. He's quiet when K asks, though he doesn't seem surprised by the question. That one he has heard plenty before, so he responds with his usual:)
They're ironic. (Which was so stupid. Such bullshit. He leans back in his chair and adjusts said glasses. But it's clear he's actually working up to a more honest answer.)
A few reasons, I suppose. Practicality for one. It's bright as fuck in the smack dab of the ocean. I've got sensitive eyes. For another, they are cool as shit. Kamina was such a badass to me when I was growing up. I thought his shades were cool as hell. (Another simpler reason.)
Then I got older and I guess I realized how much control they gave me over a social situation. I realized how people depended on reading someone's eyes to know their next move in a fight or in a conversation. It makes it harder for people to keep up with you, to know what you're thinking, what you're feeling.
(So, basically. A security blanket.)
And eventually, they became part of me. Literally. I made a copy of my own brain and uploaded them into my glasses. Which was fuckin' dumb in the long run. Making an AI of yourself is a stupid choice. (But then as he's looking at the camera, the center of his glasses light up with two bright red circles.)
So, naturally, I did it again. Only this time I put a bit more sway over the creation and put my actual soul into it. (Literally. A few moments later, a text appeared on K's screen:)
Hi! I'm ANTI-Dirk!
(Dirk shakes his head and touches the side of his glasses. They go dark again.)
Sometimes I go on autopilot and I need a part of me to be around to make sure I can be contacted when shit hits the fan.
no subject
And he's right.
"Making an AI of yourself is a stupid choice."
Even when you are an AI, yourself? he wants to tease, but he's more interested in hearing the rest of Dirk's explanation. He doesn't interrupt.
The red circles β he realises he'd seen those before, briefly. Surprise registers on his face as his eyes shift from Dirk to the text that pops up on his screen, and then it all clicks. Dirk must have been communicating with his AI self, Anti-Dirk, before. ]
Clever. [ He's smiling as he opts to reply to the text, sending back: It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm K. Because of course he's going to be polite with Anti-Dirk. AI solidarity and all. ]
I noticed the lights, back at the Red. I wondered what that was about. You were communicating with him? Can he operate completely independently of you?
[ Maintaining control of a situation... He can't help being reminded of how concealing one's eyes relates to himself and his own kind. Eyes that can easily be scanned to confirm their identities, and bring up their entire recorded histories and service records. It's resulted in countless death sentences for his kind. Some of which he'd been ordered to carry out himself, something he isn't proud of. ]
When my kind are retired β the human-coined term for killing us β our eyes are usually what's provided as proof of retirement. [ It's a quiet, solemn explanation. ] It's where our external serial numbers are. [ And before Dirk might think to try and look for K's, he adds: ] On the underside.
no subject
The greeting to his AI makes Dirk grin. He knows Anti-Dirk is grinning too because they were one and the same, and there's a comfortable overlap of both sides of the souls feeling equally flattered by K. Dirk says 'thank you' almost the exact same time as Anti-Dirk sends over several smiley emotes.)
He functions through my subconscious, so, yes. He was designed with the purpose of replicating certain thoughts and feelings I typically have and processing them to create an organic conversational experience. (Dirk, holy shit, cool it with talking like the world's biggest nerd.)
He's both designed as an AI as much as he is a vessel for part of my soul. The end result is satisfying, I think. My dream self floats around here all the time, so I'm trying to maintain both halves of myself and figured Anti-Dirk would help with some of the delays. I'm kinda notorious for uh...What did my friends call it...
(It had been a while.)
I "zombie the fuck out" or whatever where I just kind of leave my mind and go to another, so the one me is just sort of staring off into space and not really with it. (Which he has done a few times around K now.) I've been trying to get better at it, but operating multiple bodies is a bitch.
(Oh. Dirk leans forward, as if he would really be able to see anything about K's eyes. It's grim, but he can understand the functionality.)
Why would your kind be retired? (...Wait.) That was insensitive of me to ask. Sorry. You don't have to answer. It just seems like...
(He stares at K, frowning.)
A waste.