(Dirk observes all of this with a completely neutral expression. He has his hands on his hips and stands there, immobile, unwavering. He wasn't familiar with fear in himself, but he could see it plain as day on Junpei.
The hit to his gut is abysmal, he thinks. He just stands there and doesn't so much as flinch. He doesn't even brace himself because he can tell well before it happens that it wasn't going to hurt. What follows after is more telling. The trembling, the flinching.
He's not empathetic enough of a guy to feel bad for Junpei. He doesn't do pity. It didn't help either that Dirk wasn't above slamming into some kid again and again just to make the kid a better version of themselves. Maybe that's why he liked Thirteen so much. He could relate to her desire of improving those around her.)
You're terrified. (He's not asking. He's informing.)
You believe I am going to hurt you. Or, if not me, then someone. (He tips his head at Junpei, examining the look on his face.)
You're used to that. Right now, you're focused on wanting to learn this so you don't get hurt. But you should focus on being able to hurt others first. Self-defense is fine enough, but it won't do shit for making you feel more in control of your own body.
[ Itās embarrassing. Dirk already outsizes him, but as mortified as he feels right now he might as well be a foot tall. Multiple panicked lines of thought are running through his head. Most of them telling him this was foolish and that he has new ways to run now - he should stick to those. Heād never be a fighter. ]
My own body isnāt even my own right now. Not that my old body was any good for fighting ... but I still havenāt adjusted to even running without tripping.
[ He sighs, putting his hand to his forehead. ]
Not everyone can be a fighter, right? Some people are just ... meant to run. The only way I was able to be intimidating to anyone back home was from power that was given to me. Even then it wasnāt enough.
[ Junpei isnāt sure how he feels about this outcome. It feels like a failure. Heād wanted to be cool, to come off as confident and distant and not let some weirdly flirty egotistical dude get the better of him.
Thereās hesitancy to follow because of that, he takes a moment to look behind him at the direction heād come from.
After another beat he sighs and moves to follow Dirk instead. Socializing is not his strong suit, so why is he going along with this? ]
I'm aware. No one can make me do anything I don't want to do.
(Dirk is in control of himself, his decisions, and his life. Even a cute boy couldn't take that from him. Socializing isn't Dirk's strong suit either, but he's tactical and realizes that this isn't the appropriate way to begin strengthening Junpei at all.)
You want to learn, don't you? (He looks over at Junpei and although he's wearing glasses, Dirk's the kind of person who can cut a look through anyone without his eyes being visible.)
Sometimes our approach to learning will simply look different. If I tried to show you anything as you are right now, I will only cause further damage. It won't do shit all for you. We need to work on your fear conditioning.
[ Well, the guy has seemingly been taking things seriously the past however many minutes - maybe he can trust him.
At least for now he follows Dirk, wiping some sweat off of his brow. Whatever kind of rabbit he is, itās not a desert species. A drink does sound pretty good. ]
Do you have any experience with that? Helping someone ... not be so afraid?
(Dirk probably should never be fully trusted by anyone, that's for sure. Even he would agree with that.
Still, he's lost in thought.)
Somewhat. I pushed many of my friends to do their best in defiance of things that unnerved them. I'm not sure how much of their success was based on my guidance and how much of it was based on their innate abilities.
(If he's being honest.)
None of them had your issues. I do not think it would be a fair comparison. What about being hurt scares you?
[ Thereās a look of confusion for that question. ]
The pain? What else would there be?
[ Itād be great if continued daily abuse made him build up a tolerance, if eventually enough of those shoes in his ribs or the fiery butts against his skin rendered him unable to feel the pain.
But no, it still made him flinch, made him scream out in pain. They got what they wanted every time, as hard as he fought to keep his composure. Theyād retrained him. Made him transform from the quiet but friendly kid heād been when he entered high school into someone frightened and bitter.
(Dirk has an incredibly disjointed relationship to pain and his own body. Perhaps it had to do with the scar circled around his neck or the fact that the rest of him was covered in heavy scars from reckless fighting and an unhinged lifestyle.)
Pain only inflicts so much psychological damage. I believe it is more the feeling of helplessness that comes with pain.
(Then again, Dirk has never been bullied. What the hell did he really know?)
Pain is a basic experience. Pleasure is just the same. Stimulate nerves and snap the brain into action. Being afraid of getting hurt won't do you any favors. It will always make you hesitate.
[ He huffs darkly. It never felt temporary when he was assured more the next day just by existing.
But theyāre not here. The three idiots arenāt here. Ito isnāt here.
Mahito isnāt here. ]
Do you have any suggestions? Or are you just talking about the power of positive thinking? I would say time can probably help ... but how much time? At least back home there was some predictability of where danger would come from ...
[ Well, until the end. But even that he should have seen coming. ]
... so I have no idea how quickly Iāll need to change. If I can change.
I do not believe in positive thinking. I'm a realist bordering on straight-up fuckin' nihilism. (He comes to a stop and reaches out to grab Junpei's wrist to bring him to a stop as well. They can get drinks in a second.)
It's about taking charge of your own mental fortitude.
(He steps in front of Junpei and holds out both of his own palms.)
You can break one of my fingers if you want. Go ahead. (He curls his left hand into a fist except for his pinky.)
I have a limited relationship to my body. It's disposable. It's my soul that I care about and that's fractured beyond repair. This shit's just a fuckin' vessel. Go ahead. Break my finger and I won't do shit.
(He's just trying to prove a point here. Granted, in a very barbaric sort of way, but whatever.)
[ While he is incredibly cynical towards humanity, as Junpei has said to Dirk already - heās not outright cruel. It had taken an extremely traumatic experience to inspire enough raw hatred in him to kill another human being, and while Dirk has gotten under his skin enough times he doesnāt hold that much ire towards him.
He gives a horrified look to the other, shaking his head a little. ]
Hey, stop ... I donāt want to! I don't know what youāre trying to prove, but ... there has to be some other way to do it.
(That's an interesting reaction. He stops and drops his hand completely, contemplating Junpei. This guy who wanted to come across tougher than he obviously was, a dude who flinched away from violence but willingly wanted to learn more about it, but a guy who couldn't even begin to try and inflict any real pain on someone else.
At least not like this. He sighs finally, and starts to walk again.)
All right. Unclench your ass. I won't make you do it.
[ Maybe if Dirk had run into him at the height of his attack on the school, when all empathy was shoved in a closet and hogtied to allow his hatred to have control.
Even then heād only put the rest of his peers to sleep - he hadnāt been lying to his teacher when heād said theyād be okay. Only Ito was intended to die that day, but in the end Junpei was the only casualty.
When Dirk starts walking again he feels relief the matter wasnāt pressed, but also lingering uneasiness that the situation came up at all. He thought heād gotten a bead on the type of eccentric Dirk was, but clearly there were multiple layers at play here.
Heās really glad he insisted they meet in public.
When asked his age thereās hesitation in his response. He feels like heās more mature than his age indicates - but then donāt all teenagers? ]
So, you're still young. (Dirk wasn't that much older. But he was 21 and that was something. He doesn't think much about Junpei's age at all. Why would he? He grew up without society, without any real comprehension of ages being all that worthwhile when it came to the late teens and early twenties.
He's in his own head, mulling over Junpei as much as Junpei was mulling over him. Junpei was right to be wary. Even with good intentions, Dirk tended to be a nefarious sort. There was a reason he had manifested in this world as a myth.)
You still operate primarily by your amygdala rather than your frontal cortex. And you seem to be quite sensitive to negative stimuli physically and mentally...
[ This is just getting weirder by the second. What was he even supposed to say to that? Was this really the same guy whoād made a saucy joke about stepping on him?
He gives the back of Dirkās head an unimpressed look. ]
Youāre really, really confusing.
[ Before the other takes that to mean he doesnāt understand the words being said to him, the teen elaborates : ]
One minute youāre just some thirsty creep and the next youāre a college professor.
(Poor Junpei. Dirk was a fucking weirdo by a landslide and there was no chance of him ever making sense, probably. Everything was a game to this dude. He glances over at Junpei and winds up raising a brow.)
Can man not both be thirsty and intelligent? The duality of humanity should not be understated, bunny. I have a cock and I have a brain. I like to use both to think. It's twice as effective and three times as fun.
Whatās fun for you is exhausting for other people.
[ Or at least it is for him. Heād told Dirk trust was based on predictability, and right now navigating this guy was like a carnival funhouse. ]
I prefer my brain, thank you. It runs on logic.
[ The other head wasnāt totally silent - he was a teenage boy after all. But between watching his idiotic schoolmates let girls lead them around by their dicks and being afraid the bullying would worsen if it was ever discovered what his preferences were ... heād done his best to ignore his libido. Nothing good could possibly come from following it. ]
(For him. He knew he was exhausting to literally everyone he met and knew, but he liked to think he just kept everyone on their toes.
Being predictable may as well be a federal offense in his books. He knew that predictability was dangerous. He knew he had raised his brother in some other timeline to never know what to expect and, well, most certainly it had led to his brother being rather mentally fucked up. Apparently tormenting an actual child with swords and puppets wasn't the best way to raise one.
Which kind of sucked, Dirk supposed, but he also saw where Beta!Dirk was coming from too. Keep 'em on their toes. Survival of the fittest, the most clever, the most agile.)
Logic can get you killed sometimes too. Sometimes a combination of logic and instinct is what sets someone apart from the others.
(They reach a little smoothie shack. It sounded nice in the desert heat so he orders himself an orange smoothie and sits aside while Junpei picks something out for himself.)
Plus. Neglect the other head for too long and it'll bite ya in the ass one day.
[ Junpei opts for a strawberry banana concoction, quietly thanking Dirk afterwards. He can be a little sassy, but he still has some basic societal politeness ingrained into him.
Heās careful to take his time drinking it, eager for the relief from the heat but not wanting to invite brain freeze. ]
Maybe in some people it might, but I donāt think thatās true for everyone. Sex is over glorified in society.
[ Sex was a frequent enough theme even in horror movies. It was easy to think of a dozen off the top of his head where some young girl was shown barely dressed for no reason other than to titillate. It always made him roll his eyes. ]
Youāre made to think youāre a loser if youāre my age and not having it.
(Dirk didn't get to enjoy this kind of treat back in his world. He's slow with it himself, wanting to relish it rather than just suck it down. It tasted like fresh citrus.)
Is it over-glorified or simply mishandled in terms of conversations surrounding it? I wouldn't know, honestly. I wasn't raised in society, but from my studies, it seems like sex is a constant weapon that people use to shame one another with one way or another. If you're having too much sex or not enough sex or sex with the wrong people or at the wrong time...
(It's fascinating to him. He sucks down some more of his drink.)
Seems like ya'll suffer one hell of a conflict with one of nature's most basic instincts.
[ He says in that dry disenfranchised teenager way between slurps of his smoothie. It is surprisingly good, tasting like actual fresh berries and not something artificial. At the very least itās distracting him from being entirely cynical. ]
Thankfully I learned not to care what āsocietyā thought. Even if that had to happen in the most brutish way possible. I spent my last year of life doing what I wanted to do. Who knows if I ever would have survived adult life anyway ... I donāt believe in fate, but itās hard to picture myself as an adult.
[ Oh, that first comment hits a mark. Heās instantly ready to be defensive, opening his mouth to argue - but then the second observation stops his protest in his throat.
Initially, heād assumed everyone here was dead. That it was some kind of afterlife for better or for worse. Not quite punishment but not quite a reward, but more colorful and interesting than a purgatory.
But a conversation over the network quickly made him realize that wasnāt the case. Now he wondered what awaited him if he reached that full potential like he was supposed to - what could he do with it with no life to return to?
He nods in response after a minute, looking down at his lap. ]
(Dirk watches Junpei carefully. People had unique relationships with death for all kinds of reasons. What led them to death, what death was in their world, what they lost because of death, or sometimes what they gained.)
That is complicated.
(It's probably the first time since these two have spoken that Dirk drops his bravado entirely. He sounds more his age, more human, and somewhat soft. He touches the edge of the scar around his neck.)
I've died a few times. I'm technically immortal both because of the level in my powers I reached and due to the nature of my abilities. But who knows? Maybe I finally stayed permanently dead and just don't know it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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The hit to his gut is abysmal, he thinks. He just stands there and doesn't so much as flinch. He doesn't even brace himself because he can tell well before it happens that it wasn't going to hurt. What follows after is more telling. The trembling, the flinching.
He's not empathetic enough of a guy to feel bad for Junpei. He doesn't do pity. It didn't help either that Dirk wasn't above slamming into some kid again and again just to make the kid a better version of themselves. Maybe that's why he liked Thirteen so much. He could relate to her desire of improving those around her.)
You're terrified. (He's not asking. He's informing.)
You believe I am going to hurt you. Or, if not me, then someone. (He tips his head at Junpei, examining the look on his face.)
You're used to that. Right now, you're focused on wanting to learn this so you don't get hurt. But you should focus on being able to hurt others first. Self-defense is fine enough, but it won't do shit for making you feel more in control of your own body.
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My own body isnāt even my own right now. Not that my old body was any good for fighting ... but I still havenāt adjusted to even running without tripping.
[ He sighs, putting his hand to his forehead. ]
Not everyone can be a fighter, right? Some people are just ... meant to run. The only way I was able to be intimidating to anyone back home was from power that was given to me. Even then it wasnāt enough.
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There are fighters and there are survivors. Anyone else is dead.
(That's that. That's always been that.)
Listen. C'mon. (He nods his head and begins to walk away from the school and towards the small town that edged around it.)
We ain't fighting today. You're not ready for it. I'm getting you something to drink and we're talking instead.
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Thereās hesitancy to follow because of that, he takes a moment to look behind him at the direction heād come from.
After another beat he sighs and moves to follow Dirk instead. Socializing is not his strong suit, so why is he going along with this? ]
You really donāt have to ...
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(Dirk is in control of himself, his decisions, and his life. Even a cute boy couldn't take that from him. Socializing isn't Dirk's strong suit either, but he's tactical and realizes that this isn't the appropriate way to begin strengthening Junpei at all.)
You want to learn, don't you? (He looks over at Junpei and although he's wearing glasses, Dirk's the kind of person who can cut a look through anyone without his eyes being visible.)
Sometimes our approach to learning will simply look different. If I tried to show you anything as you are right now, I will only cause further damage. It won't do shit all for you. We need to work on your fear conditioning.
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At least for now he follows Dirk, wiping some sweat off of his brow. Whatever kind of rabbit he is, itās not a desert species. A drink does sound pretty good. ]
Do you have any experience with that? Helping someone ... not be so afraid?
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Still, he's lost in thought.)
Somewhat. I pushed many of my friends to do their best in defiance of things that unnerved them. I'm not sure how much of their success was based on my guidance and how much of it was based on their innate abilities.
(If he's being honest.)
None of them had your issues. I do not think it would be a fair comparison. What about being hurt scares you?
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The pain? What else would there be?
[ Itād be great if continued daily abuse made him build up a tolerance, if eventually enough of those shoes in his ribs or the fiery butts against his skin rendered him unable to feel the pain.
But no, it still made him flinch, made him scream out in pain. They got what they wanted every time, as hard as he fought to keep his composure. Theyād retrained him. Made him transform from the quiet but friendly kid heād been when he entered high school into someone frightened and bitter.
Could he really be changed again? ]
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(Dirk has an incredibly disjointed relationship to pain and his own body. Perhaps it had to do with the scar circled around his neck or the fact that the rest of him was covered in heavy scars from reckless fighting and an unhinged lifestyle.)
Pain only inflicts so much psychological damage. I believe it is more the feeling of helplessness that comes with pain.
(Then again, Dirk has never been bullied. What the hell did he really know?)
Pain is a basic experience. Pleasure is just the same. Stimulate nerves and snap the brain into action. Being afraid of getting hurt won't do you any favors. It will always make you hesitate.
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[ He huffs darkly. It never felt temporary when he was assured more the next day just by existing.
But theyāre not here. The three idiots arenāt here. Ito isnāt here.
Mahito isnāt here. ]
Do you have any suggestions? Or are you just talking about the power of positive thinking? I would say time can probably help ... but how much time? At least back home there was some predictability of where danger would come from ...
[ Well, until the end. But even that he should have seen coming. ]
... so I have no idea how quickly Iāll need to change. If I can change.
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It's about taking charge of your own mental fortitude.
(He steps in front of Junpei and holds out both of his own palms.)
You can break one of my fingers if you want. Go ahead. (He curls his left hand into a fist except for his pinky.)
I have a limited relationship to my body. It's disposable. It's my soul that I care about and that's fractured beyond repair. This shit's just a fuckin' vessel. Go ahead. Break my finger and I won't do shit.
(He's just trying to prove a point here. Granted, in a very barbaric sort of way, but whatever.)
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He gives a horrified look to the other, shaking his head a little. ]
Hey, stop ... I donāt want to! I don't know what youāre trying to prove, but ... there has to be some other way to do it.
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At least not like this. He sighs finally, and starts to walk again.)
All right. Unclench your ass. I won't make you do it.
(For now anyway.)
How old are you exactly?
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Even then heād only put the rest of his peers to sleep - he hadnāt been lying to his teacher when heād said theyād be okay. Only Ito was intended to die that day, but in the end Junpei was the only casualty.
When Dirk starts walking again he feels relief the matter wasnāt pressed, but also lingering uneasiness that the situation came up at all. He thought heād gotten a bead on the type of eccentric Dirk was, but clearly there were multiple layers at play here.
Heās really glad he insisted they meet in public.
When asked his age thereās hesitation in his response. He feels like heās more mature than his age indicates - but then donāt all teenagers? ]
Seventeen.
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He's in his own head, mulling over Junpei as much as Junpei was mulling over him. Junpei was right to be wary. Even with good intentions, Dirk tended to be a nefarious sort. There was a reason he had manifested in this world as a myth.)
You still operate primarily by your amygdala rather than your frontal cortex. And you seem to be quite sensitive to negative stimuli physically and mentally...
(Dirk, maybe stop psychoanalyzing the poor kid?)
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He gives the back of Dirkās head an unimpressed look. ]
Youāre really, really confusing.
[ Before the other takes that to mean he doesnāt understand the words being said to him, the teen elaborates : ]
One minute youāre just some thirsty creep and the next youāre a college professor.
[ Blunt as ever. ]
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(Poor Junpei. Dirk was a fucking weirdo by a landslide and there was no chance of him ever making sense, probably. Everything was a game to this dude. He glances over at Junpei and winds up raising a brow.)
Can man not both be thirsty and intelligent? The duality of humanity should not be understated, bunny. I have a cock and I have a brain. I like to use both to think. It's twice as effective and three times as fun.
(He's insufferable, in other words.)
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[ Or at least it is for him. Heād told Dirk trust was based on predictability, and right now navigating this guy was like a carnival funhouse. ]
I prefer my brain, thank you. It runs on logic.
[ The other head wasnāt totally silent - he was a teenage boy after all. But between watching his idiotic schoolmates let girls lead them around by their dicks and being afraid the bullying would worsen if it was ever discovered what his preferences were ... heād done his best to ignore his libido. Nothing good could possibly come from following it. ]
cw: child abuse
(For him. He knew he was exhausting to literally everyone he met and knew, but he liked to think he just kept everyone on their toes.
Being predictable may as well be a federal offense in his books. He knew that predictability was dangerous. He knew he had raised his brother in some other timeline to never know what to expect and, well, most certainly it had led to his brother being rather mentally fucked up. Apparently tormenting an actual child with swords and puppets wasn't the best way to raise one.
Which kind of sucked, Dirk supposed, but he also saw where Beta!Dirk was coming from too. Keep 'em on their toes. Survival of the fittest, the most clever, the most agile.)
Logic can get you killed sometimes too. Sometimes a combination of logic and instinct is what sets someone apart from the others.
(They reach a little smoothie shack. It sounded nice in the desert heat so he orders himself an orange smoothie and sits aside while Junpei picks something out for himself.)
Plus. Neglect the other head for too long and it'll bite ya in the ass one day.
Re: cw: child abuse
Heās careful to take his time drinking it, eager for the relief from the heat but not wanting to invite brain freeze. ]
Maybe in some people it might, but I donāt think thatās true for everyone. Sex is over glorified in society.
[ Sex was a frequent enough theme even in horror movies. It was easy to think of a dozen off the top of his head where some young girl was shown barely dressed for no reason other than to titillate. It always made him roll his eyes. ]
Youāre made to think youāre a loser if youāre my age and not having it.
Re: cw: child abuse
Is it over-glorified or simply mishandled in terms of conversations surrounding it? I wouldn't know, honestly. I wasn't raised in society, but from my studies, it seems like sex is a constant weapon that people use to shame one another with one way or another. If you're having too much sex or not enough sex or sex with the wrong people or at the wrong time...
(It's fascinating to him. He sucks down some more of his drink.)
Seems like ya'll suffer one hell of a conflict with one of nature's most basic instincts.
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[ He says in that dry disenfranchised teenager way between slurps of his smoothie. It is surprisingly good, tasting like actual fresh berries and not something artificial. At the very least itās distracting him from being entirely cynical. ]
Thankfully I learned not to care what āsocietyā thought. Even if that had to happen in the most brutish way possible. I spent my last year of life doing what I wanted to do. Who knows if I ever would have survived adult life anyway ... I donāt believe in fate, but itās hard to picture myself as an adult.
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(He leans back onto the bench, resting his arm across the back. He considers what Junpei says and pieces together a relatively basic fact.)
So, you're technically dead. (Not a question. He looks at Junpei with renewed interest.)
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Initially, heād assumed everyone here was dead. That it was some kind of afterlife for better or for worse. Not quite punishment but not quite a reward, but more colorful and interesting than a purgatory.
But a conversation over the network quickly made him realize that wasnāt the case. Now he wondered what awaited him if he reached that full potential like he was supposed to - what could he do with it with no life to return to?
He nods in response after a minute, looking down at his lap. ]
Yeah. I am. I guess youāre not, then.
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That is complicated.
(It's probably the first time since these two have spoken that Dirk drops his bravado entirely. He sounds more his age, more human, and somewhat soft. He touches the edge of the scar around his neck.)
I've died a few times. I'm technically immortal both because of the level in my powers I reached and due to the nature of my abilities. But who knows? Maybe I finally stayed permanently dead and just don't know it.
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cw: decapitation
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