I don't know if it's wrong. What if it is? What if allowing me to feel like this will drive me to do something bad to you?
I want all the strands of your hair, all the freckles of your body and all the shapes of your bones. [ it sounds like poetry but there is a very raw honesty to it. It's not about being romantic, Kaneki feels this in a strange way that doesn't involve blood and guts, but as if he wants all of those things in his hands so he can kiss them.]
When you used your soul powers on me and you made a new splinter from me, all I could think of was that he is completely mine and no one else can see or touch him but me. That I had all of you for myself and no one else.
[ Kaneki is not familiar with wanting someone, not in this kind of way; it's not even jealousy but simply the desire to have Dirk. He wants friends and he wants to be loved, but to want someone to this extent is, sometimes, scary.
He is aware that the Fox absolutely heighten all these feelings and made them much more intense, but they were still there even if not that strongly ]
I know. (Meaning...He knew it went a bit more literally than poetic. He didn't need to read Kaneki's mind to figure as much how deep that feeling went and how it might be tied up with ghoulish tendencies.)
Maybe I'm not the right guy to talk to about all of this, man, because I gotta say, none of it bothers me. It doesn't scare me or worry me or intimidate me. But all I've ever wanted was someone who was as into me as I'm into him and I can't really act like I'm not flattered as fuck to be wanted so thoroughly.
I'm not a good influence, remember? I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that's fucked up or that that makes me uncomfortable. I don't think it's fucked up and it doesn't make me uncomfortable. If I could only exist as a fragment of your imagination and it would make you happy, I would.
(Which was probably verging on his more...suicidal tendencies or a complete lack of concern for his mortal existence.
Was it scary though...? Dirk goes to say 'no' because that's the natural answer, but then he realizes it isn't entirely true.)
The only thing that is scary about it is thinking about what might happen if anything were to happen to us.
he doesn't say it, Kaneki is too ashamed with himself.
Dirk might say he is fine with it, that he is not uncomfortable, and often has implied he'd be fine to die by Kaneki's hands. But Kaneki doesn't want that. He never wanted that and even with Thirteen's powers, he still didn't; but he fears that something inside of him might make him forget it. ]
Is it something that you want from me, as well? To inhabit my bones and my skin and my organs? [ or is it something that only Kaneki feels due to his messed up nature?
Kaneki pauses at that last part ]
Anything were to happen to us?
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
(That's kind of what Dirk figured Kaneki meant. He had read a book once about two serial killers where in the end, one ate the other as a final gesture of love. Some part of Dirk had thought it was romantic. Had been able to see where the gesture came from, even if it was twisted.)
No, not necessarily. But if I could fuse our souls together, I would. If I could pull part of your soul out and slip it inside of my body to keep forever, I would.
Yes. (A pause.)
If I ever lost you in any way. Whether through universal shenanigans or death or anything. If something zapped you of your memories of me and of us. If someone took you from me.
I would break the narrative to get you back.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
[ kaneki doesn't find it so bad, either. The idea of having his soul melted together with Dirk's it's not as bad. And maybe both of them are so intoxicated with each other that they'd accept eating each other and fusing their souls together without a second thought. Is that even a good thing? kaneki doesn't know, and maybe that's why sometimes he wonders and can't sleep.
he smiles at those last words ]
I would hope so. That you'd come to me and ask a mouse priest to marry us again.
I'm afraid of it too. That you will forget me and I will just be a shadow you won't notice he's there. Or that you will be gone because I won't know what I'm meant to do without you. But I'm also afraid there is a chance I will look at you and not remember how much you love me and I you.
I love our love, Dirk. I never want to lose it.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
(Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but Dirk wasn't sure if he gave any sort of fuck. He had never cared too much about whether something fit society's idea of a healthy relationship. Society as it was back when humanity was still relevant had its own stock of issues and even normalized relationships tended to have some of the most toxic shit.
He snorts softly at that.)
It would be kinda fun to get you to marry me again and again in all these wild fairy tale situations.
Granted, we aren't formally married, but it's still a meet-cute idea. That's fanfiction-tier romance.
I love our love too. I guess it's one of those things where you know something is good so you'll do anything to keep from losing it. I just can't afford to lose you.
(There's the catch. He very carefully manages his emotions, steadying their connection.)
I'm biologically immortal. Godtiers can only die through "just" or "heroic" though the parameters there are a bit dicey.
My soul powers further complicate the section. I can see why I divert in the future and go off my fucking rocker on power. What else is a guy supposed to do with all that time in a goddamn abyss of existence?
Fuck.
(Don't have an existensial crisis over your boyfriend's mortality, Dirk.)
[ he is in for a surprise when he finds out Ghoul hybrids in fact, only live thirty or so years. Kaneki doesn't know this information but he too will not live long.
Oopsie.]
Dirk. [ Kaneki calls out to his boyfriend through their mental link as well. He is soothing as possible, tugging gently at Dirk in hopes to stop him from spiraling, and eventually he calls out again so he can fill their link with care]
There is so much waiting for us in the future. We don't know what will happen. We don't know where we will be.
Familiar and myths and our potential, it could mean so much and give us so much.
(Dirk's just sweating internally. He had spent enough of his life in isolation, but not with the heartbreak of losing his actual soulmate. He tries to pay attention to Ken in their connection, tries to hold onto that feeling.
A bit of despair spills into their link because what am I supposed to do when you're gone? Who would he call out to? He's grown used to the bond now.)
Right. Yeah, no. You're technically correct.
You're right. (He tells himself that too. Firmly. They had already defied so much. What was defying death?)
(Dirk clings to that link and the weight of his own name being called by Kaneki. He knows he's being irrational. Probably. He does the equivalent of holding Kaneki as much as he could.)
Yeah, no. You're right. That is factually true. You're making legitimate points.
Yeah. I know.
I know. I know you're right. Sorry. I guess it just feels like I just realized the catch of how lucky I've felt with you, you know?
Even if you were to leave tomorrow, I'd still be glad I've met you. And I wouldn't want to change a thing. Even if it'd hurt a lot afterwards, I'd still rather feel everything I'm feeling now.
But you wouldn't be the one left behind under these circumstances. After you, what would I even do with myself? Forever is a long time.
I know. I'm glad I have you now too, Ken. This just also coincidentally aligns with what I'd expect, so. Forgive me for struggling to romanticize the possibility.
You don't know what will happen, Dirk. I have died a couple of times here and always returned. I can now turn into a squid, will I have a small lifespan like they do?
You can turn into a squid. You aren't an actual squid. You're still a ghoul, right? You still maintain the same appetite? So as far as we know, it would be assumed that your biology remains the same even despite the adjustments of this world.
[ Kaneki smiles a little at the text. because in the end, that's really it: Dirk doesn't want to lose Kaneki and Kaneki doesn't want to lose Dirk. He doesn't want to leave him either, and he doesn't want to grow old and wrinkly while his boyfriend remains beautiful and might get tired of an old man.
But kaneki doesn't want to think about that, either. Because he is so happy, the happiest he has ever been. ]
(Luckily for Kaneki, Dirk was filthy and was just as horny over old guys as he was young guys. Who didn't want a certified DILF? Who didn't want to rattle an old man's bones? But inevitably, there was something reasonable in that concern all the same that Dirk would be empathetic towards.
Dirk's vulnerable to feelings of hopelessness and extreme pessimism. And, truthfully, he was so painfully used to being so alone in the universe that it just felt like that was inevitable. For him to wind back up alone after finding the best thing that has ever happened to him again.
It's hard not to slip into a depressive funk. Maybe if he hadn't known what it felt like to be in isolation it wouldn't hit so hard.
But before he can really spiral, Kaneki is inviting him to the library.)
Okay. Be there soon.
(He would always meet Kaneki. And despite his gloom, he wanted to see his boyfriend more than anything right now. So he's there in literal seconds, fluttering a few pages as he flash stepped through the door and into the room. He's got one of his more robotic faces on, his body stiff, everything guarded like fucking Fort Knox.)
[ kaneki is in the library, sitting on the floor against a bean bag which he was using as a pillow. There are a couple of books he tried to read before this conversation started, but they were eventually forgotten.
When he sees Dirk, kaneki smiles and his arms stretch out in his direction, inviting the blond to come towards him ]
(Despite his desire to stay stoic, it's impossible to keep up the moment he sees Kaneki. It hits him hard how badly he wanted to keep this in his life. For a second, he does nothing at all, just captures the moment exactly as it is: Ken, in his simple, effortless beauty, sitting among books as though he were born to do it.
It takes Dirk no time at all after he's buried the details in his mind to step forward. He moves down, takes his sunglasses off on the way, and winds up laying against Kaneki's bed. He wraps his arms around Ken's body and buries his face into Kaneki's chest. So much for maintaining that front!
[ kaneki smiles all through this, relief coming over him when Dirk is there, in his arms. he hugs him, brings him closer, and keeps him like that, against his chest, while his fingers stroke the blond strands of hair and he places several kisses on top of Dirk's head ]
I am scared too. [ logic doesn't always work. And sometimes, it's better to admit to it ] Scared to leave you alone, scared you will leave me. I want to spend my waking moments with you, my sleeping moments too, and my eternity.
I wish I could say the right words so your heavy heart would be lighter. But my heart is heavy too. [ a pause as Kaneki nuzzles Dirk ] All we can do is sink together with the weight.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
it's fiiiine <3 I always want your tags
I want all the strands of your hair, all the freckles of your body and all the shapes of your bones. [ it sounds like poetry but there is a very raw honesty to it. It's not about being romantic, Kaneki feels this in a strange way that doesn't involve blood and guts, but as if he wants all of those things in his hands so he can kiss them.]
When you used your soul powers on me and you made a new splinter from me, all I could think of was that he is completely mine and no one else can see or touch him but me. That I had all of you for myself and no one else.
[ Kaneki is not familiar with wanting someone, not in this kind of way; it's not even jealousy but simply the desire to have Dirk. He wants friends and he wants to be loved, but to want someone to this extent is, sometimes, scary.
He is aware that the Fox absolutely heighten all these feelings and made them much more intense, but they were still there even if not that strongly ]
Isn't it a bit scary?
g o o d cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs
I know. (Meaning...He knew it went a bit more literally than poetic. He didn't need to read Kaneki's mind to figure as much how deep that feeling went and how it might be tied up with ghoulish tendencies.)
Maybe I'm not the right guy to talk to about all of this, man, because I gotta say, none of it bothers me. It doesn't scare me or worry me or intimidate me. But all I've ever wanted was someone who was as into me as I'm into him and I can't really act like I'm not flattered as fuck to be wanted so thoroughly.
I'm not a good influence, remember? I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that's fucked up or that that makes me uncomfortable. I don't think it's fucked up and it doesn't make me uncomfortable. If I could only exist as a fragment of your imagination and it would make you happy, I would.
(Which was probably verging on his more...suicidal tendencies or a complete lack of concern for his mortal existence.
Was it scary though...? Dirk goes to say 'no' because that's the natural answer, but then he realizes it isn't entirely true.)
The only thing that is scary about it is thinking about what might happen if anything were to happen to us.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still
he doesn't say it, Kaneki is too ashamed with himself.
Dirk might say he is fine with it, that he is not uncomfortable, and often has implied he'd be fine to die by Kaneki's hands. But Kaneki doesn't want that. He never wanted that and even with Thirteen's powers, he still didn't; but he fears that something inside of him might make him forget it. ]
Is it something that you want from me, as well? To inhabit my bones and my skin and my organs? [ or is it something that only Kaneki feels due to his messed up nature?
Kaneki pauses at that last part ]
Anything were to happen to us?
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
No, not necessarily. But if I could fuse our souls together, I would. If I could pull part of your soul out and slip it inside of my body to keep forever, I would.
Yes. (A pause.)
If I ever lost you in any way. Whether through universal shenanigans or death or anything. If something zapped you of your memories of me and of us. If someone took you from me.
I would break the narrative to get you back.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
he smiles at those last words ]
I would hope so. That you'd come to me and ask a mouse priest to marry us again.
I'm afraid of it too. That you will forget me and I will just be a shadow you won't notice he's there. Or that you will be gone because I won't know what I'm meant to do without you. But I'm also afraid there is a chance I will look at you and not remember how much you love me and I you.
I love our love, Dirk. I never want to lose it.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
He snorts softly at that.)
It would be kinda fun to get you to marry me again and again in all these wild fairy tale situations.
Granted, we aren't formally married, but it's still a meet-cute idea. That's fanfiction-tier romance.
I love our love too. I guess it's one of those things where you know something is good so you'll do anything to keep from losing it. I just can't afford to lose you.
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No matter what, Dirk, I want to always find you. I want to always return to you.
I'm yours.
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I'm yours too. We're in this shit together forever as far as I'm concerned.
In speaking of which, I'm not sure if we ever broached the subject. How long exactly do ghouls live?
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The same as humans. Eighty years or so.
Do you live longer? Since you reached God tier.
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I'm biologically immortal. Godtiers can only die through "just" or "heroic" though the parameters there are a bit dicey.
My soul powers further complicate the section. I can see why I divert in the future and go off my fucking rocker on power. What else is a guy supposed to do with all that time in a goddamn abyss of existence?
Fuck.
(Don't have an existensial crisis over your boyfriend's mortality, Dirk.)
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Oopsie.]
Dirk. [ Kaneki calls out to his boyfriend through their mental link as well. He is soothing as possible, tugging gently at Dirk in hopes to stop him from spiraling, and eventually he calls out again so he can fill their link with care]
There is so much waiting for us in the future. We don't know what will happen. We don't know where we will be.
Familiar and myths and our potential, it could mean so much and give us so much.
no subject
A bit of despair spills into their link because what am I supposed to do when you're gone? Who would he call out to? He's grown used to the bond now.)
Right. Yeah, no. You're technically correct.
You're right. (He tells himself that too. Firmly. They had already defied so much. What was defying death?)
Would you want that though? Immortality?
no subject
There are people in this place who were dead in their worlds and are alive here. Death isn't permanent here either.
Perhaps death is entirely different in this place. Perhaps immortality is too.
I don't know what it means to live forever or have thaylt in my grasp.
no subject
Yeah, no. You're right. That is factually true. You're making legitimate points.
Yeah. I know.
I know. I know you're right. Sorry. I guess it just feels like I just realized the catch of how lucky I've felt with you, you know?
no subject
Even if you were to leave tomorrow, I'd still be glad I've met you. And I wouldn't want to change a thing. Even if it'd hurt a lot afterwards, I'd still rather feel everything I'm feeling now.
That's what matters to me.
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There is just a difference between the possibility of universal disruption and then inevitable mortality.
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But the first can come in a flash. And the latter? Well, it will allow me to watch you grow with me.
And maybe it will be scary, maybe it will hurt. But I'm so excited for that, too.
Dirk. we don't know what will happen. Maybe there is no catch, maybe everything is a catch. But I'm still okay with all of it because I have you now.
no subject
But you wouldn't be the one left behind under these circumstances. After you, what would I even do with myself? Forever is a long time.
I know. I'm glad I have you now too, Ken. This just also coincidentally aligns with what I'd expect, so. Forgive me for struggling to romanticize the possibility.
no subject
What I'm trying to say is: we don't know.
And maybe we are forever, now that we are here.
no subject
You can turn into a squid. You aren't an actual squid. You're still a ghoul, right? You still maintain the same appetite? So as far as we know, it would be assumed that your biology remains the same even despite the adjustments of this world.
I really just don't want to lose you.
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But kaneki doesn't want to think about that, either. Because he is so happy, the happiest he has ever been. ]
I'm in the library. Come and meet me?
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Dirk's vulnerable to feelings of hopelessness and extreme pessimism. And, truthfully, he was so painfully used to being so alone in the universe that it just felt like that was inevitable. For him to wind back up alone after finding the best thing that has ever happened to him again.
It's hard not to slip into a depressive funk. Maybe if he hadn't known what it felt like to be in isolation it wouldn't hit so hard.
But before he can really spiral, Kaneki is inviting him to the library.)
Okay. Be there soon.
(He would always meet Kaneki. And despite his gloom, he wanted to see his boyfriend more than anything right now. So he's there in literal seconds, fluttering a few pages as he flash stepped through the door and into the room. He's got one of his more robotic faces on, his body stiff, everything guarded like fucking Fort Knox.)
Hey.
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When he sees Dirk, kaneki smiles and his arms stretch out in his direction, inviting the blond to come towards him ]
Come here, sit with me.
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It takes Dirk no time at all after he's buried the details in his mind to step forward. He moves down, takes his sunglasses off on the way, and winds up laying against Kaneki's bed. He wraps his arms around Ken's body and buries his face into Kaneki's chest. So much for maintaining that front!
Burying his face in Ken was easier anyway.)
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I am scared too. [ logic doesn't always work. And sometimes, it's better to admit to it ] Scared to leave you alone, scared you will leave me. I want to spend my waking moments with you, my sleeping moments too, and my eternity.
I wish I could say the right words so your heavy heart would be lighter. But my heart is heavy too. [ a pause as Kaneki nuzzles Dirk ] All we can do is sink together with the weight.
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