(It's true enough that Dirk was in the trenches of his lab working on some tech. Though from an outsider perspective, it would likely look as though he were sitting in his chair and staring blankly at a wall. Mostly, he was coding, which was at times monotinous and boring when it got to the redundant easy shit.
So when a notification pops up with Ken's name, he shifts gears effortlessly, grateful for the excuse to stop coding and, as always, eager to talk to his boyfriend for any given reason.)
Nah. I'm just doing some boring ass coding work.
(He can and probably would. He was already shifting to throw the coding onto one of his monitors so that he could keep his chat window with Ken neatly seperated while he worked.)
I pretty much always want to chat with you. What's up, sugar cup?
(It's funny. Years ago and with old relationships, he might have psychoanalyzed the absolute hell out of the desire to chat. He still recognizes that there's probably something specific Ken wants to chat about, but he feels assured that it's at least not...something awful.)
What are you coding? Something for the house? [ Kaneki might not understand it but he is always interested in Dirk's work and hobbies.
But Kaneki lays back against the pillow, looking at the Relic while he types]
I was thinking about last month, the party. [ what they did at the party]
I know you don't mind it a lot but I have been wondering about me and the way I was. With the blood and food and you. You don't think I like your body just because you taste good, right?
[ Kaneki... Has hangup about what he is. He worries he might muddle the waters too much that sometimes it's hard to understand his feelings and desires. And he worries Dirk might realize it too]
For the greenhouse. I was fucking around with seeing what I could throw in there to keep the plants spunky and fresh. Though I am now realizing that it might defeat the purpose of gardening as a hobby in the first place.
(He's rambling a little, but that's what ya get for staring at a screen for hours on end.
What Kaneki brings up is a bit of a surprise - but then, after a second, it's not at all. It's one of those things where Dirk knew he could expand their link and let Kaneki know that Dirk absolutely did not feel that way...But then he realized maybe it was more important that Kaneki trusted himself with this instead of trusting Dirk.)
No, I do not think that at all. I realize there are some perks, like sucking me off, that correlate to your pleasure experienced as a ghoul, but I don't think that's the only reason you enjoy my body.
(He leans back into his chair, abandoning the coding altogether now.)
You weren't always a ghoul, correct? Do you believe you would have been attracted to me the same way prior to turning had we met under those circumstances?
No, certainly. Kaneki knows for sure he would absolutely fall for Dirk and feel like this everytime, regardless of what he is.
But he has a strange relationship with taste.]
I think I would want you regardless. And I'd love your body regardless.
But the way I can taste you is different from what it would before. And sometimes I wonder if it'd be different. If using my mouth on you like that would be still one of- [ of his favorite things to do. It's a bit embarrassing to write that]
If I'd still want to do it all the time like I do now. < small>[ WELLP, writing that is also embarrassing]
The way I was last month was very intense. And I still feel for you the same way! but that desire of just wanting you but to also want to bite you was
(A pause and there is a flicker of hurt that accidentally seeps into their link. He hates himself almost instantly for it and carefully closes the link least he make Kaneki feel guilty for being honest in the first place.)
I can't confirm or deny that suspicion, truthfully. I like to believe that our attraction to one another is genuine rather than amplified by certain circumstances.
Some fucked up part of me kind of wants to agree with you. I suppose sometimes I wonder if we went batshit crazy for each other because of this place, because of our respective backgrounds, because we're both lonely and want to feel like we belong to someone.
I would never mind if you bit me. It would be hot. I understand your reservation though.
What do you think your biggest concern is? That one day you'll be so overwhelmed you will bite me? Or are you concerned with the legitimacy of your attraction?
[oh no. No, no, Kaneki doesn't want Dirk to think Ken isn't attracted to Dirk on its own.
It's just-
Kaneki curses a little at himself for bringing this up now, specially when Dirk closes their link.
He isn't able to explain himself properly.
I am attracted to you. I love your body. I want you. I want you in a way that it's hard to describe.
And everytime I think about how I want you, I also want
[ how does he explain this? He doesn't know, it's so hard]
To have you. To keep you.
Last month I just wanted to consume you. Not in a way to hurt you and to actually eat you, but I was so overwhelmed with the need to have you with me that I'm afraid if sometimes it's me as a ghoul wanting to go too far.
I want you to be possessive of me, Ken. I want you to feel that way about me.
Maybe it's fucked up of me. But some part of me is grateful you're as obsessed with me as I am with you. Maybe it makes us co-dependent. I don't fuckin' know. It doesn't scare me that you want to consume me. I'd let you. In any way you wanted to. I just fuckin' want to make you happy.
And...we've discussed this. You are a ghoul, Ken. Maybe this is how ghouls love. Is that so wrong?
I don't know if it's wrong. What if it is? What if allowing me to feel like this will drive me to do something bad to you?
I want all the strands of your hair, all the freckles of your body and all the shapes of your bones. [ it sounds like poetry but there is a very raw honesty to it. It's not about being romantic, Kaneki feels this in a strange way that doesn't involve blood and guts, but as if he wants all of those things in his hands so he can kiss them.]
When you used your soul powers on me and you made a new splinter from me, all I could think of was that he is completely mine and no one else can see or touch him but me. That I had all of you for myself and no one else.
[ Kaneki is not familiar with wanting someone, not in this kind of way; it's not even jealousy but simply the desire to have Dirk. He wants friends and he wants to be loved, but to want someone to this extent is, sometimes, scary.
He is aware that the Fox absolutely heighten all these feelings and made them much more intense, but they were still there even if not that strongly ]
I know. (Meaning...He knew it went a bit more literally than poetic. He didn't need to read Kaneki's mind to figure as much how deep that feeling went and how it might be tied up with ghoulish tendencies.)
Maybe I'm not the right guy to talk to about all of this, man, because I gotta say, none of it bothers me. It doesn't scare me or worry me or intimidate me. But all I've ever wanted was someone who was as into me as I'm into him and I can't really act like I'm not flattered as fuck to be wanted so thoroughly.
I'm not a good influence, remember? I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that's fucked up or that that makes me uncomfortable. I don't think it's fucked up and it doesn't make me uncomfortable. If I could only exist as a fragment of your imagination and it would make you happy, I would.
(Which was probably verging on his more...suicidal tendencies or a complete lack of concern for his mortal existence.
Was it scary though...? Dirk goes to say 'no' because that's the natural answer, but then he realizes it isn't entirely true.)
The only thing that is scary about it is thinking about what might happen if anything were to happen to us.
he doesn't say it, Kaneki is too ashamed with himself.
Dirk might say he is fine with it, that he is not uncomfortable, and often has implied he'd be fine to die by Kaneki's hands. But Kaneki doesn't want that. He never wanted that and even with Thirteen's powers, he still didn't; but he fears that something inside of him might make him forget it. ]
Is it something that you want from me, as well? To inhabit my bones and my skin and my organs? [ or is it something that only Kaneki feels due to his messed up nature?
Kaneki pauses at that last part ]
Anything were to happen to us?
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
(That's kind of what Dirk figured Kaneki meant. He had read a book once about two serial killers where in the end, one ate the other as a final gesture of love. Some part of Dirk had thought it was romantic. Had been able to see where the gesture came from, even if it was twisted.)
No, not necessarily. But if I could fuse our souls together, I would. If I could pull part of your soul out and slip it inside of my body to keep forever, I would.
Yes. (A pause.)
If I ever lost you in any way. Whether through universal shenanigans or death or anything. If something zapped you of your memories of me and of us. If someone took you from me.
I would break the narrative to get you back.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
[ kaneki doesn't find it so bad, either. The idea of having his soul melted together with Dirk's it's not as bad. And maybe both of them are so intoxicated with each other that they'd accept eating each other and fusing their souls together without a second thought. Is that even a good thing? kaneki doesn't know, and maybe that's why sometimes he wonders and can't sleep.
he smiles at those last words ]
I would hope so. That you'd come to me and ask a mouse priest to marry us again.
I'm afraid of it too. That you will forget me and I will just be a shadow you won't notice he's there. Or that you will be gone because I won't know what I'm meant to do without you. But I'm also afraid there is a chance I will look at you and not remember how much you love me and I you.
I love our love, Dirk. I never want to lose it.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
(Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but Dirk wasn't sure if he gave any sort of fuck. He had never cared too much about whether something fit society's idea of a healthy relationship. Society as it was back when humanity was still relevant had its own stock of issues and even normalized relationships tended to have some of the most toxic shit.
He snorts softly at that.)
It would be kinda fun to get you to marry me again and again in all these wild fairy tale situations.
Granted, we aren't formally married, but it's still a meet-cute idea. That's fanfiction-tier romance.
I love our love too. I guess it's one of those things where you know something is good so you'll do anything to keep from losing it. I just can't afford to lose you.
(There's the catch. He very carefully manages his emotions, steadying their connection.)
I'm biologically immortal. Godtiers can only die through "just" or "heroic" though the parameters there are a bit dicey.
My soul powers further complicate the section. I can see why I divert in the future and go off my fucking rocker on power. What else is a guy supposed to do with all that time in a goddamn abyss of existence?
Fuck.
(Don't have an existensial crisis over your boyfriend's mortality, Dirk.)
[ he is in for a surprise when he finds out Ghoul hybrids in fact, only live thirty or so years. Kaneki doesn't know this information but he too will not live long.
Oopsie.]
Dirk. [ Kaneki calls out to his boyfriend through their mental link as well. He is soothing as possible, tugging gently at Dirk in hopes to stop him from spiraling, and eventually he calls out again so he can fill their link with care]
There is so much waiting for us in the future. We don't know what will happen. We don't know where we will be.
Familiar and myths and our potential, it could mean so much and give us so much.
(Dirk's just sweating internally. He had spent enough of his life in isolation, but not with the heartbreak of losing his actual soulmate. He tries to pay attention to Ken in their connection, tries to hold onto that feeling.
A bit of despair spills into their link because what am I supposed to do when you're gone? Who would he call out to? He's grown used to the bond now.)
Right. Yeah, no. You're technically correct.
You're right. (He tells himself that too. Firmly. They had already defied so much. What was defying death?)
(Dirk clings to that link and the weight of his own name being called by Kaneki. He knows he's being irrational. Probably. He does the equivalent of holding Kaneki as much as he could.)
Yeah, no. You're right. That is factually true. You're making legitimate points.
Yeah. I know.
I know. I know you're right. Sorry. I guess it just feels like I just realized the catch of how lucky I've felt with you, you know?
Even if you were to leave tomorrow, I'd still be glad I've met you. And I wouldn't want to change a thing. Even if it'd hurt a lot afterwards, I'd still rather feel everything I'm feeling now.
But you wouldn't be the one left behind under these circumstances. After you, what would I even do with myself? Forever is a long time.
I know. I'm glad I have you now too, Ken. This just also coincidentally aligns with what I'd expect, so. Forgive me for struggling to romanticize the possibility.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text
So when a notification pops up with Ken's name, he shifts gears effortlessly, grateful for the excuse to stop coding and, as always, eager to talk to his boyfriend for any given reason.)
Nah. I'm just doing some boring ass coding work.
(He can and probably would. He was already shifting to throw the coding onto one of his monitors so that he could keep his chat window with Ken neatly seperated while he worked.)
I pretty much always want to chat with you. What's up, sugar cup?
(It's funny. Years ago and with old relationships, he might have psychoanalyzed the absolute hell out of the desire to chat. He still recognizes that there's probably something specific Ken wants to chat about, but he feels assured that it's at least not...something awful.)
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But Kaneki lays back against the pillow, looking at the Relic while he types]
I was thinking about last month, the party. [ what they did at the party]
I know you don't mind it a lot but I have been wondering about me and the way I was. With the blood and food and you. You don't think I like your body just because you taste good, right?
[ Kaneki... Has hangup about what he is. He worries he might muddle the waters too much that sometimes it's hard to understand his feelings and desires. And he worries Dirk might realize it too]
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(He's rambling a little, but that's what ya get for staring at a screen for hours on end.
What Kaneki brings up is a bit of a surprise - but then, after a second, it's not at all. It's one of those things where Dirk knew he could expand their link and let Kaneki know that Dirk absolutely did not feel that way...But then he realized maybe it was more important that Kaneki trusted himself with this instead of trusting Dirk.)
No, I do not think that at all. I realize there are some perks, like sucking me off, that correlate to your pleasure experienced as a ghoul, but I don't think that's the only reason you enjoy my body.
(He leans back into his chair, abandoning the coding altogether now.)
You weren't always a ghoul, correct? Do you believe you would have been attracted to me the same way prior to turning had we met under those circumstances?
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No, certainly. Kaneki knows for sure he would absolutely fall for Dirk and feel like this everytime, regardless of what he is.
But he has a strange relationship with taste.]
I think I would want you regardless. And I'd love your body regardless.
But the way I can taste you is different from what it would before. And sometimes I wonder if it'd be different. If using my mouth on you like that would be still one of- [ of his favorite things to do. It's a bit embarrassing to write that]
If I'd still want to do it all the time like I do now. < small>[ WELLP, writing that is also embarrassing]
The way I was last month was very intense. And I still feel for you the same way! but that desire of just wanting you but to also want to bite you was
overwhelming
And I almost couldn't control it.
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I can't confirm or deny that suspicion, truthfully. I like to believe that our attraction to one another is genuine rather than amplified by certain circumstances.
Some fucked up part of me kind of wants to agree with you. I suppose sometimes I wonder if we went batshit crazy for each other because of this place, because of our respective backgrounds, because we're both lonely and want to feel like we belong to someone.
I would never mind if you bit me. It would be hot. I understand your reservation though.
What do you think your biggest concern is? That one day you'll be so overwhelmed you will bite me? Or are you concerned with the legitimacy of your attraction?
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It's just-
Kaneki curses a little at himself for bringing this up now, specially when Dirk closes their link.
He isn't able to explain himself properly.
I am attracted to you. I love your body. I want you. I want you in a way that it's hard to describe.
And everytime I think about how I want you, I also want
[ how does he explain this? He doesn't know, it's so hard]
To have you. To keep you.
Last month I just wanted to consume you. Not in a way to hurt you and to actually eat you, but I was so overwhelmed with the need to have you with me that I'm afraid if sometimes it's me as a ghoul wanting to go too far.
sorry for how late this is >:|
Maybe it's fucked up of me. But some part of me is grateful you're as obsessed with me as I am with you. Maybe it makes us co-dependent. I don't fuckin' know. It doesn't scare me that you want to consume me. I'd let you. In any way you wanted to. I just fuckin' want to make you happy.
And...we've discussed this. You are a ghoul, Ken. Maybe this is how ghouls love. Is that so wrong?
it's fiiiine <3 I always want your tags
I want all the strands of your hair, all the freckles of your body and all the shapes of your bones. [ it sounds like poetry but there is a very raw honesty to it. It's not about being romantic, Kaneki feels this in a strange way that doesn't involve blood and guts, but as if he wants all of those things in his hands so he can kiss them.]
When you used your soul powers on me and you made a new splinter from me, all I could think of was that he is completely mine and no one else can see or touch him but me. That I had all of you for myself and no one else.
[ Kaneki is not familiar with wanting someone, not in this kind of way; it's not even jealousy but simply the desire to have Dirk. He wants friends and he wants to be loved, but to want someone to this extent is, sometimes, scary.
He is aware that the Fox absolutely heighten all these feelings and made them much more intense, but they were still there even if not that strongly ]
Isn't it a bit scary?
g o o d cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs
I know. (Meaning...He knew it went a bit more literally than poetic. He didn't need to read Kaneki's mind to figure as much how deep that feeling went and how it might be tied up with ghoulish tendencies.)
Maybe I'm not the right guy to talk to about all of this, man, because I gotta say, none of it bothers me. It doesn't scare me or worry me or intimidate me. But all I've ever wanted was someone who was as into me as I'm into him and I can't really act like I'm not flattered as fuck to be wanted so thoroughly.
I'm not a good influence, remember? I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that's fucked up or that that makes me uncomfortable. I don't think it's fucked up and it doesn't make me uncomfortable. If I could only exist as a fragment of your imagination and it would make you happy, I would.
(Which was probably verging on his more...suicidal tendencies or a complete lack of concern for his mortal existence.
Was it scary though...? Dirk goes to say 'no' because that's the natural answer, but then he realizes it isn't entirely true.)
The only thing that is scary about it is thinking about what might happen if anything were to happen to us.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still
he doesn't say it, Kaneki is too ashamed with himself.
Dirk might say he is fine with it, that he is not uncomfortable, and often has implied he'd be fine to die by Kaneki's hands. But Kaneki doesn't want that. He never wanted that and even with Thirteen's powers, he still didn't; but he fears that something inside of him might make him forget it. ]
Is it something that you want from me, as well? To inhabit my bones and my skin and my organs? [ or is it something that only Kaneki feels due to his messed up nature?
Kaneki pauses at that last part ]
Anything were to happen to us?
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
No, not necessarily. But if I could fuse our souls together, I would. If I could pull part of your soul out and slip it inside of my body to keep forever, I would.
Yes. (A pause.)
If I ever lost you in any way. Whether through universal shenanigans or death or anything. If something zapped you of your memories of me and of us. If someone took you from me.
I would break the narrative to get you back.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
he smiles at those last words ]
I would hope so. That you'd come to me and ask a mouse priest to marry us again.
I'm afraid of it too. That you will forget me and I will just be a shadow you won't notice he's there. Or that you will be gone because I won't know what I'm meant to do without you. But I'm also afraid there is a chance I will look at you and not remember how much you love me and I you.
I love our love, Dirk. I never want to lose it.
cw: suicidal ideations/beliefs still + cannibalism between humans
He snorts softly at that.)
It would be kinda fun to get you to marry me again and again in all these wild fairy tale situations.
Granted, we aren't formally married, but it's still a meet-cute idea. That's fanfiction-tier romance.
I love our love too. I guess it's one of those things where you know something is good so you'll do anything to keep from losing it. I just can't afford to lose you.
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No matter what, Dirk, I want to always find you. I want to always return to you.
I'm yours.
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I'm yours too. We're in this shit together forever as far as I'm concerned.
In speaking of which, I'm not sure if we ever broached the subject. How long exactly do ghouls live?
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The same as humans. Eighty years or so.
Do you live longer? Since you reached God tier.
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I'm biologically immortal. Godtiers can only die through "just" or "heroic" though the parameters there are a bit dicey.
My soul powers further complicate the section. I can see why I divert in the future and go off my fucking rocker on power. What else is a guy supposed to do with all that time in a goddamn abyss of existence?
Fuck.
(Don't have an existensial crisis over your boyfriend's mortality, Dirk.)
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Oopsie.]
Dirk. [ Kaneki calls out to his boyfriend through their mental link as well. He is soothing as possible, tugging gently at Dirk in hopes to stop him from spiraling, and eventually he calls out again so he can fill their link with care]
There is so much waiting for us in the future. We don't know what will happen. We don't know where we will be.
Familiar and myths and our potential, it could mean so much and give us so much.
no subject
A bit of despair spills into their link because what am I supposed to do when you're gone? Who would he call out to? He's grown used to the bond now.)
Right. Yeah, no. You're technically correct.
You're right. (He tells himself that too. Firmly. They had already defied so much. What was defying death?)
Would you want that though? Immortality?
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There are people in this place who were dead in their worlds and are alive here. Death isn't permanent here either.
Perhaps death is entirely different in this place. Perhaps immortality is too.
I don't know what it means to live forever or have thaylt in my grasp.
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Yeah, no. You're right. That is factually true. You're making legitimate points.
Yeah. I know.
I know. I know you're right. Sorry. I guess it just feels like I just realized the catch of how lucky I've felt with you, you know?
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Even if you were to leave tomorrow, I'd still be glad I've met you. And I wouldn't want to change a thing. Even if it'd hurt a lot afterwards, I'd still rather feel everything I'm feeling now.
That's what matters to me.
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There is just a difference between the possibility of universal disruption and then inevitable mortality.
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But the first can come in a flash. And the latter? Well, it will allow me to watch you grow with me.
And maybe it will be scary, maybe it will hurt. But I'm so excited for that, too.
Dirk. we don't know what will happen. Maybe there is no catch, maybe everything is a catch. But I'm still okay with all of it because I have you now.
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But you wouldn't be the one left behind under these circumstances. After you, what would I even do with myself? Forever is a long time.
I know. I'm glad I have you now too, Ken. This just also coincidentally aligns with what I'd expect, so. Forgive me for struggling to romanticize the possibility.
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